“A nation that continues year after year to spend more money on military defense than on programs of social uplift is approaching spiritual death.” - MLK Jr.

MLK speaks the truth, but the part I forget is that peace must begin at a personal level.

I hear messages like this and ones like Shane Claiborne in Irresistible Revolution and I am not sure what to do with them. I am so motivated by them, I’m like a speaking-in-tongues dancin’-in-the-aisles Jesus freak (at least on the inside). But the problem with that super excited mentality, even if it is shown on the outside, is that it benefits no one. I can highlight a book until it glows in the dark, but it does me, or more importantly it does no one else, any good. I suppose, God, that it is the same thing I’ve said a hundred times, that I want to make a difference but I AM not.

-Stop and meditate break –

As I’ve been writing I realized at least a couple ways – Dave and Shari’s lawn (which I realize now that I never mowed!!!), our neighbor Veronika, my AVID student’s financial needs, my EAP students cards of encouragement.

So my thoughts are now that I don’t know whether the problem is that I am thinking too large scale (about military programs and global poverty) or that I really have no idea how to live these things out. Unfortunately, because now I have just though of tangible things to do to make a difference and can’t feign confusion, because that only thing holding me back is my laziness (specifically in the form of watching Oscar nominated movies – which often movies like Blood Diamond, Babel, or Last King of Scotland make me motivated but rarely create action to live out loving others) I believe it is the former. So, God, in your infinite wisdom and love let me do things in my life that will make others’ lives better whether it is a simple day-to-day kind of love or life altering kind.

Thank you for today,
Help me to love today.

Can you have a quarter-of-a-century life crisis?

I am now twenty-five and I’d like to say that everything is just the same as last year, or that I really don’t feel older, but I do.

This has been a very different year for me compared to the past few. With the start of teaching in the classroom, the career that will take the majority of my time for the next thirty years or so, comes a calm tranquility. For the first time life is not in tumult. Jobs are not changing, I am not going to school anymore, no more random people in random places, my life has become routine. Overall I suppose the biggest changes that starting a career has brought is routine and cash, which are both good and bad.

Routine's nice because for the first time in about five years I can plan my life without having to wait to find out what a work or school schedule is going to be. I know what time I will wake up, what time I should go to bed (but still I don't), and how much time it takes me to do things everyday. I am also not spreading myself over several different things anymore. I can put most of my energy into my classroom and into my students, instead of heading in several different directions at once. All of this is nice of course but I can’t help but feeling a little too settled.

Brooke and I had talked a lot about our plans for the future during the first six weeks of teaching and we discovered that we didn’t really have the desire to travel, or make an international type of pilgrimage that we once did. We are making a difference here in the lives of kids so maybe that’s what life really has in store for us. Alone that is not a bad thing but couple that together with the teacher salaries (which though meager, are about 2.5 times bigger than our salaries last year) and let it sit for a few years you have all the makings of a middle class malaise.

I have already learned that I have a terrible predisposition towards hunting on the internet to find new toys to spend my hard earned teacher cash on. I have contemplated a new computer, a digital slr, a disc golf set (yes, I’m a nerd), a new speaker set, a car radio, and a vacuum cleaner. In fact, all of my time on the Internet recently has been focused on consumption, whether its been of goods, ideas, or pirated movies, it doesn’t matter. The fact is: I haven’t created a damned thing myself. And that’s what I worry about.
Will settling into a career make me lose my soul? Does the fact that the career is teaching make any difference? What happened to those dreams of traveling and changing the world I once had?

So, This is the summary of the past year of my life:
School, school, school, teach for free, and work.

During this time, especially the last couple months I've had some pretty cool breakthroughs in faith. I would like to say that these breakthroughs are the result of my vigilant pursuit of God, however the reality is quite different. The busyness of my life has kept me pretty well distracted from God over the last few months. But now, with hiring season approaching for the teaching profession, I've gotten pretty buddy-buddy with him. The mere possibility that I won't have a job next year is terrifying (so is the possibility of having one, though). I've done my best to portray a professional attitude to all prospective employers and that is exhausting to do on a constant basis, but its a little easier if God helps out. His help is precisely the reason I'm writing this blog.

About to embark on my first interview at Rancho Buena Vista High School, the school I did my student teaching at, I was more than terrified. I was freaking out. I had spent the night before pouring over possible interview questions and pillaging my closet for a decent outfit to wear. Feeling unsatisfied in both departments called friends and family asking for advice and prayers as I went into my interview, which at the time seemed like my only chance to get a job. "the only way you'll get in to a good school is by getting hired at the school you student taught at, but no pressure" I was told by one administrator. Yeah sure, no pressure, I'm perfectly calm now thanks.

So as I called around several people consoled me and offered their suggestions. About my lack of attire, my mom suggested I hit up the thrift store before the interview. I laughed. The thrift stores in Oceanside are just about as ghetto as they come I doubted I'd find something worth while there. But, my mom was right (God has a point with that 'honor thy father and mother ' stuff). In the hour that I squeezed in to look for suits I found one at the first store I went to. The only full suit they had. It was a sweet looking, grey pinstripe suit which, as later took it into the fitting room and discovered, was perfectly my size. It is near impossible to find suit to fit my lanky arms and small waist, but there it was almost shimmering in the fluorescent glow, perfectly pressed and smelling stale cardboard (like everything at a thrift sore does). This, however, is not the best part of the story. As I swaggered up to the register, with my new digs in hand, I handed it to the woman behind the counter and she said, "$12.89 is your total." That's right, less than thriteen dollars. I was stoked. Now God is on my side, for sure I'll get the job.

Later on that evening I walked out the interview panel supremely confident of my rocking interview skills, and God-ordained success. It wasn't a week later that I found out a colleague got the job instead. But I wasn't as upset as I thought I'd be. I had already moved on and applied at other districts. I knew that God, if he could provide me with a sweet grey pinstripe suit, he could take care of the bigger stuff as well. In fact my faith was even more increased in the failure of not getting a job. I was forced to again acknowledge that God has a design and that my goals and his are often not aligned. I spent several more days at the beach trying to discern his plan and what I should do next.

That's where I was until this last week when God worked his pinstripe magic again. Stay tuned for that update.

We are generation between constantly up and coming, but never arrived. We have been raised instilled with anticipation for the future but never the now. “I can’t wait for vacation, for a break, for the party tomorrow night, for [insert your desired gratification here]. We have learned how to look at the future like movie previews and advertisements: all the build up but none of the follow through. What happens once the movie is seen, once the party is over, once the goal is attained? Are we looking forward to the right things?

“The man who does not permit his spirit to be beaten down and upset by dryness and helplessness, but who lets God lead him peacefully through the wilderness, and desires not other support or guidance than that of faith and trust in god alone, will be brought to the Promised Land.” --Thomas Merton

We should know well enough that no one here can offer wisdom or understanding better than God. So Lord, help us place our faith in you and lead us by your mysterious power into an understanding of the future that is whole and a present that is filled with the peace of knowing you.

Not sure what to get for the person who has everything. Give a goat! Heifer.org makes it possible to give (or share the gift of) goats, llamas, water buffalos, pigs, sheep, ducks, and more on the behalf of a loved one to families who really need them. Here's a novelty gift that really serves a purpose. A very creative way to remind friends and family about the Christmas spirit.

Yeah its over but the concept applies even more as Christmas approaches. We don't need the stuff we get, and they don't need the stuff we give. SO how can wemake our gifts mean something? Thanks Katie for the image.

Kingdom Reconstruction

Kingdom De Reconstruction
For too long my outwardly expressed ideals have been defined as a series of nots. I am not a member of the religious right. I am not giving my money to a church that turns around and spends it on its members. I am not supporting an economy that ignores the poor. Yes, these nots are important in venting my frustration and identifying with others who are also dissatisfied with similar things (not the best matter on which to base a friendship), however, they are not getting anything done. I've spent my life in the negative for way too long waiting for others to show me how to positively live out the alternatives to things I am opposed. Without actively engaging in a positive construction of an alternative I am only complaining and I am probably making things worse.
Don’t get me wrong I have been a part of some very positive things at with Jason and Brooke’s church, and also at the Sharp’s House but for the most part in these groups I feel I have left the constructing to others. When left on my own, I am all talk. Why is that?
So, in order to keep this blog from becoming another not (what I am not doing well) I want to brainstorm ways to translate these negatives into positive ways to live out the kingdom that I have seen or thought of. So here goes:

• Buy nothing day = make something day  


• Not buying from sweat shops = buying from co-op, sweat-free clothing companies,  union made clothing


• Hating corporate America = becoming a teacher and educating kids about it


• Frustration about the wealth gap:


• Locally =  volunteering at Bread of Life (they need volunteers for the winter (760) 722 0800


• Nationwide = donate to poor college students


• Abroad =  contribute to third world, or find out about people trying to change the system that perpetuates the gap


• Hating yourself = sit in the company of those who don’t (friends, parents, Him)

It’s a short list but it is a step towards making a positive contribution to the kingdom feel free to comment with additions or call and we’ll talk.

For those of us who must buy dresss clothes here is a list of union made clothing brands who pay workers fair(er) wages:

Brooks Brothers, Hickey Freeman, Hart Shaffner Marx, Ted Baker, Kenneth
Cole, Tommy Hilfiger, Austin Reed, Evan Picone, Pierre Cardin, Coppley,
Burberry, Gieves and Hawkes, Jack Nicholas, J. Press, Matteo Maas, Givenchy,
Talbia Uomo, Alexander Julian, Hilton-Oak if made in the U.S.

Faith, works, and Politics
Joel and I have been conversing about the church, politics, and Jesus - and how much they should intermingle. I personally tend to think of Jesus as more of a table tossing kind of guy when it comes to right wing politics in the church. But recently Joel has presented some ideas that made me think that He would probably deliver the political table turning in equal doses to right and left, but for different reasons.

Our call as Christians is to be servants of God first. We are to be set apart (In the world and not of it), but we are called to be agents of change. As a Christian and a leftie I have no problems feeling that I am serving God and that I am being an agent of change but the in the world and not of it part is frequently left out. I am quick to get in there and look for injustice and error in the opinions and logic of the moral majority (both of which abound), but in doing so I am just following the pattern of the world. I am simply spawning more argument and which is just about as effective as salvation via apologetics.

“For our struggle is not against the flesh and blood [everyone Christian or not], but against the rulers, against authorities, against the powers of this dark world and the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” Ephesians 6:12

As much as I’d like to think that Dubya fits into the later categories he is flesh and blood as well. It does no good for us to heave our snarling complaints at him. “¹⁷Don't hit back; discover beauty in everyone. ¹⁸If you've got it in you, get along with everybody. ¹⁹Don't insist on getting even; that's not for you to do. ‘I'll do the judging,’ says God. ‘I'll take care of it.’” (Romans 12: 17-19 The Message)

I’m not abdicating a Britney Spears style patriotism nor am I saying we shouldn’t be extremely critical, but in a way that is constructive. To truly improve the situation we need to transform our angst into action and results. “Don't let evil get the best of you; get the best of evil by doing good.” (Romans 12:21 The Message) So how?

But what would this approach look like? Please, all four of you who read this blog respond and tell me. How do we begin to ­DO?

<sup>Romans 13 (The 'Message)

"2</sup>For instance, a person who has been around for a while might well be convinced that he can eat anything on the table, while another, with a different background, might assume all Christians should be vegetarians and eat accordingly. ³But since both are guests at Christ's table, wouldn't it be terribly rude if they fell to criticizing what the other ate or didn't eat? God, after all, invited them both to the table. ⁴Do you have any business crossing people off the guest list or interfering with God's welcome? If there are corrections to be made or manners to be learned, God can handle that without your help...

13Forget about deciding what's right for each other. Here's what you need to be concerned about: that you don't get in the way of someone else, making life more difficult than it already is. ¹⁴I'm convinced--Jesus convinced me!-that everything as it is in itself is holy. We, of course, by the way we treat it or talk about it, can contaminate it...

¹⁸Your task is to single-mindedly serve Christ. Do that and you'll kill two birds with one stone: pleasing the God above you and proving your worth to the people around you."

read it all

Sometimes I see the future and
it doesn’t look like what you’d think
There are no light sabers or flying cars.
It is not a post-nuclear wasteland or utopia,
and we have not ventured any further
into the outer reaches of anything.

Instead, the future is sitting right in front of me
At the grocery store sorting through coupons.
And it’s why I’m going to be late for work.
When I see the future I smile sympathetically
But am afraid to look it in the eyes.

- We all want to do something extraordinary and all those dreams seem just on the horizon in high school but somewhere after that they fade and the reality of our ordinariness sets in. Regardless of my feelings I hope that I will simply be in the path of God.

air and light and time and space

"–you know, I've either had a family, a job,
something has always been in the
way
but now
I've sold my house, I've found this
place, a large studio, you should see the space and
the light.
for the first time in my life I'm going to have
a place and the time to
create."

no baby, if you're going to create
you're going to create whether you work
16 hours a day in a coal mine
or
you're going to create in a small room with 3 children
while you're on
welfare,
you're going to create with part of your mind and your body blown
away,
you're going to create blind
crippled
demented,
you're going to create with a cat crawling up your
back while
the whole city trembles in earthquake, bombardment,
flood and fire.

baby, air and light and time and space
have nothing to do with it
and don't create anything
except maybe a longer life to find.
-Charles Bukowski

--- (Thanks for sharing this Chels.) How simple it is to get into a routine. Two months go by without writing, or volunteering, or even quitly listening. And perhaps what is most disturbing is how dead i am before I notice the quiet inside.

Rest of the trip pictures up on the site. check them out

We went to europe see the pictures here

In 1984 George Orwell predicted a world where people were heavily regulated and kept from doing anything out of norm. The world has very much become that which Orwell predicted but in a completely different manner. Instead of watching 24/7 for abnormalities Big Brother just keeps us distracted. He dances and sings, he invented the commercial break to keep us distracted from the truth.

Today I watched a movie where Peter Jennings describes the media's role in Hitler's rise to power. In every step of the way the media was there to support and never questioned him. And I was thinking hmm isn't this a little ironic? Lets consider what happened in Rwanda, western countries had the power to step in but the did not. So thats not quite the same it was already happening and we could have stopped it but it was really far away and all. So what about here at home what has the US directly participated in. Well a few I can think of are: the gross underpayment and unfair labor practices of sweatshop workers worldwide, the unequal trade rate given to third world countries for their goods (in the name of American agriculture and industry), the overthrow of numerous uncooperative leaders: Arbenz- Guatemala, Allende- Chile, overthrow of the Sandanistas in Nicaragua, organization of contras in Nicaragua, coup establishment of Montt in Guatemala-- and that’s just a portion of Latin America.) Sure he can talk about Hitler now, everyone can talk about Hitler but what about what’s going on today.

The only critique of these practices has come from outside the mainstream media. The major media in our country is centered around money. SO the major media outlets are not going to include too much that doesn’t interest readers for fear of losing readership (people = $). And the fact is, the suffering of far away people doesn’t matter to the majority of public as long as it is out of sight (a local example is San Diego’s recent laws passed to keep homeless people out of the nice downtown area- out of sigh out of mind). This, however is a catch 22. How can it ever matter if it is never seen, never talked about?

I suppose the point of this rant is Peter Jennings doesn’t even realize that his own ABC would have been there to back up Hitler in the 1940's, but its not just him. The role of the media and intellectuals should be to uncover injustices and share their concern about them to help us all tune out Big Brother and refocus on the overall situation of the world not just our economically successful bubble. The role of the public then should be to take interest and take action. And I hope that will be more of a reality in the future.

My love v. Christs’

"I wonder at myself. The more I love humanity in general, the less I love man in particular. In my dreams,' he said, 'I have often come to making enthusiastic schemes for the service of humanity, and perhaps I might actually have faced crucifixion if it had been suddenly necessary; and yet I am incapable of living in the same room with anyone for two days together, as I know by experience. As soon as anyone is near me, his personality disturbs my self-complacency and restricts my freedom...

... By the experience of active love. Strive to love your neighbour actively and indefatigably. In as far as you advance in love you will grow surer of the reality of God and of the immortality of your soul. If you attain to perfect self-forgetfulness in the love of your neighbour, then you will believe without doubt, and no doubt can possibly enter your soul. This has been tried. This is certain."
- Dostoyevsky Brothers Karamazov.

loving in the present
It is strange how there are times in life that you forget how much you have. The future always seems more appealing. Whether it’s the vacation next month or the end of the shift in 15 minutes, it’s almost always better than the here and now. Today was one of those fortunate moments when I realized the beauty of the present. On the way home from her parents house Brooke looked over at me and smiled; she said “I love you Matt sometimes I forget, and I take your presence in my life for granted. So I just wanted you to know I appreciate all the little things you do for me.” In that instant nothing else mattered. It was almost as if God was speaking through Brooke reminding me what a fortunate life I have. (I sometimes feel like some tragic thing will happen in the next moment to take it all away, like the car we’re driving in will crash and like some movie version of Job I’ll be left with nothing. It never happens, perhaps it’s my over-saturation with Hollywood drama.) I suppose the best part about those moments besides the extreme contentment is the way they ground you in the present. Dreams and vision are necessary but it seems like I always live there outside of action. God speaks in the present, he may speak about the past or the future but he always does so in the now. So I guess my point is, if those moments of grounding are so infrequent how often am I planning my own future instead of listening for Gods voice?

Joel you had some some good things to say about peace, in fact you summarized all that I had to say in my mini article. Peace is the outcome but how do we get there, the only answer (and most christian one mind you) is reliance upon Christ because He is the one who knows who this self is you are trying wholly to be. Anyways, another concept that was similarly ellusive is Joy. Even when it seems that life is running perfectly you can be without peace and joy. Conversely when life sucks, when you get suspended from your job, break your windshield, your automatic windows, and then throw up all on the same day you can still find a fragment of peace and joy when someone stands next to you and holds you hand through it. So here is my article on joy.

Joy ('joi)
Noun: the emotion evoked by well-being, success, or good fortune or by the prospect of possessing what one desires; delight

Honestly how often do you hear the word joy in everyday conversation? We hear happy a lot and the above definition seems interchangeable with that of “happiness” but there’s more to “joy” than simply happiness and I believe we can discover what it is when we examine the usage of each word. A movie can make us happy, and we wish people a happy birthday. If we are in a good mood we say we are happy. But joy, our language seems to reserve for more special occasions, for instance: when talking about someone or thing very important we call it our “pride and joy,” when something amazingly good happens we say we are “overjoyed”, etc. Those times of feeling overjoyed or full of joy usually also only occur when we are sublimely content, and more often than not this type of contentment is very elusive. We cheer ourselves up by going to a movie or hanging out with friends but we will not find joy that way. Joy comes to us and how long it stays usually depends on how willing we are to receive it. I suppose the real question then is not what the difference between happiness and joy is but instead where does joy come from, what does it look like when it does, and what desires is it filling that normal happiness does not? So take some time, use the materials provided and share your understanding of word with us.

“Joy is prayer - Joy is strength - Joy is love - Joy is a net of love by which you can catch souls.”.
Mother Teresa (1910 - 1997)

“Things won are done; joy's soul lies in the doing.”
William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616)

Joy Quotes
“Joy is prayer - Joy is strength - Joy is love - Joy is a net of love by which you can catch souls.”.
Mother Teresa (1910 - 1997)


“Things won are done; joy's soul lies in the doing.”
William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616)

For a house church gathering this year we gathered a group of friends together to delve into the true meanings of words that have become rather trite Christmas slogans: peace, hope, love, and joy. These are my reflections. I am going to post a word every day or so for a week.

Peace (pEs)
noun: a state of tranquillity or quiet; freedom from civil disturbance; a state of security or order within a community provided for by law or custom Christmas eve, 1914, thousands of soldiers from both German and British armies came out of their trenches to sing Christmas carols, share cigars and cake, and to celebrate the evening. But as soon as the sun rose the next morning the fighting continued and the war continued on killing a total of over eight million people by the end. In many ways the peace these soldiers experienced in 1914 is very similar to what we think of when we think of peace. In the news we hear of peace treaties, and when we have a bad day we long for peace and quiet. So normally when someone speaks of peace they are referring to an absence of fighting or an absence of chaos. Though this definition is a good place to start especially during Christmas, a season fraught with chaotic family gatherings and mall parking lot traffic, it is not enough. If we rely on this definition of peace we may go for a time and be perfectly alright but this type of peace, like the soldiers who enjoyed a one night truce, is not going to solve the major issue. The Hebrew word for peace shalom goes beyond conventional peace, freely translated it means: fullness; having everything you need to be wholly and happily yourself. Feel free to leave a comment on how this peace is really lived out, and how can it be found in the life of Jesus, or in our own. Merry Christmas everyone!

"Every day we do things, we are things that have to do with peace. If we are aware of our life..., our way of looking at things, we will know how to make peace right in the moment, we are alive."
Thich Nhat Hanh


"Peace is not an absence of war, it is a virtue, a state of mind, a disposition for benevolence, confidence, justice." Baruch Spinoza (1632 - 1677)

It's funny that we celebrate Jesus, a homeless wanderer who liked to hang out with poor people, by buying our well off friends things they don't need.

Its funny that we celebrate Jesus, the man who threw merchants out of the temple by blowing a month's salary at the shops of our local merchants.

Frosh/Soph Forest Fire

It starts with one kid asking you to use the rest room, then two, then five. The whispers grow into murmurs and then sprout into the saplings of disrespect. This forest of teenage angst is unlike any other forest in the world, it springs up completely arid and thoroughly combustible. The flames are first visible in the back, they always are. A guy in a red sweatshirt gets up and steals the notebook of the kid next to him, someone else starts playing the drums on his desk. Then a paper airplane files across the room and explodes the front rows into a storm of retaliatory paper folding so widespread that I must act for fear of being burned alive myself. Threats of silent reading work as quick as a squadron of tankers carrying chemical retardant.

Multiply this by six and you have the day of a substitute teacher. If you think this sounds like hell then it isn’t for you. Most people would never jump out of an airplane into a firestorm but there are smokejumpers who love their jobs. Most fire fighters love playing with fire, something about the potential it has to burn, but more importantly to renew. I guess its the same with teaching and that makes me a pyro of sorts. Those of you who know me wouldn't disagree.

A Madman’s Proverb

A dapper apple dabbling in debauchery
Drives the drowned clown’s frown down,
Therefore, babbling buddies grabbed drab crabs
For bait straight out of a great crate.
That being said, the brave knave came out of the cave
Only to find his mind in decline for lack of wine.

The glass is half full, the glass is half empty.
Did you know that you could drown in only an inch of water
But can’t live longer than a week without it.


Unless I make a point to keep it from happening most of may days mimic the behavior of a pinball. Bouncing around random sources of light and sound until finally I come to rest in the gutter. Though at the end of the day the house is clean or I’ve successful put another $180 in the bank, my life feels unproductive. To continue with the bad metaphor its like each day is an accumulation of points in a game that will not matter once over. Numerous times in the past three months I’ve sat down and wondered is this all life is going to be. This would be one of those glass is half empty moments. My immediate reaction in most of these instances is to try and find something to cheer myself up, a good book and beer, Brooke, sleep, etc. But the most intriguing thing is that these type of moments resurface again even after a superb evening with Brooke. Like the first six lines of the poem above no matter how colorful, life doesn’t make sense without a something to give it meaning. Thomas Merton wrote in his book A New Man: “The battle that wages inside of us since birth is the battle between spirit and void, between being and nothingness.”
Don’t get me wrong I love my moments with Brooke, I love reading a good book, and Lord knows I love beer. However when I do not have a perspective that allows me to enjoy them properly, i.e. an active ear to hear God (contemplation according to Merton) I may not be refreshed. C.S. Lewis describes a similar phenomenon in his book The Great Divorce. Lewis describes people from hell traveling to heaven to meet people there, and in doing so shows how even the most honorable things on earth are nothing with out God to perfect them. He tells of a mother who on Earth loved her son more than anything else in life but without God to perfect it her love became possessive and selfish. The even better news that Lewis shares in The Great Divorce is that God can see beyond the evil things we do to see that which we were, in our twisted way, desiring and can transform it into something that honors him as well. This must have been what Solomon had in mind when he wrote about taking joy in your toil, because in this light even that which we dread becomes freeing.

Well this is it. Tommorrow I will climb the volcano and sacrifice Brian to the fire gods, and the next day we return home. Our last couple of days have been pretty relaxing. We have explored the ruins of colonial churches in Guatemala's colonial capital and we have done a lot of kicking back. Talking eating good food and contemplating what it will be like to reenter the real world.

Last night there was a carnival in our town for some historically significant event (I'd tell you except for I couldn't understand anyone when they told me) Anyways we had a blast being the only tourists grubbing on cheap tacos and fresh churros made on the spot (trey I now understand why there should be real churro stands in CAlifornia, they are awesome). We also pushed our way through the crowds to ride the bumper cars which looked incredibly unsafe but were fun as heck. It was a great night. To finish the night we foud some friends that had worked with us in Hotel Backpackers and talked with them for a while, it was good times.

Well thats it, no more to say for now, I am going to enjoy the rest of my trip now. Thanks for reading these crazy emails and hanks for you love and support. Look forward to contunuing the adventure with all of you and also look forward to sharing the stories and pictures. (there are too many of each)
Love you all,
Matt

Ok, so its been a while, I can´t be blamed however. I have tried. This is actually my thrid attempt at an email. I wrote twice about the events between here and now (long emails at least 2 pages each, but power in most of Guatemala tends to blackout alot. So I will fill in those of you who are interested when I get back.

As for the present I am thorouhly enjoying my last week. For the past three days we hae been staying in different villages around the lago Atitlan. A gigantic lake surrounded by five volcanoes. The water is a surreal deep blue, the sky is the brightest blue ive seen, and the voncanoes and mountains are covered in green crops and rain forrest. Today we decided to ascend the nearest volcano, San Pedro. It took us 4 hours to ascend the 500 feet from the lake to the summit, and 1 and a half to come down. The trail was almost straight up and now we are exhausted. We hiked with an English girl studying literature at oxford and we had good conversations between our gasps for air. We planned to meet up with her tonigh again but due to the unreliability of central American banks we had to return to the main Lake city.

Life around the lake is a bit strange. Tourists spending wads of money on cheesysouvenirs and food and of course alcohol, all sold by local inhabitants that range from tired old women to 5 year old kids. All carry bundles of handicrafts on their heads and do their best to convince tourists to buy. THe lakside life is some of the most beuatiful sceneryi have yet seenm and at the same time less than a block way form this internet cafe more injustice than you´d see in a year in America. Its still really hard to process and I don´t know if I ever will be able to.

as for tommorow on to the old Colonial capital of guatemala, anitgua. And in two days we will climb Central Americas largest climbable active volcano. With luck we will avoi the rivers of molten lava and poisonous sulfer clouds and return safely on wednesday, five days from now.

love you all
Hasta Luego,
Matt

trip mail 10

So today we leave, on to bigger and better. For the last couple of days, in stead of working as we planned in the orphanage or distributing beans to surrounding villages we have been stuck working in the bar at Hotel Backpackers. Granted this is how hotel Backpackers makes the money to keep the orphanage running (with the help of foreign donations as well) I did not travel 3500 miles to serve alcohol to a bunch of rich tourists or drunk Guatemalans. That may sound selfish so let me explain. In Costa Rica the organization we hooked up with, Pura vida, had on its premises a rehab center for alcoholics and former drug addicts. There were a lot of men who found community and a chance to overcome their addictions in the company of fellow believers. The strange thing is that now I am working at a bar that works in direct opposition of such an organization. The paradox is that Hotel Backpackers promotes drunkenness (all the locals are sloshed belligerent and encouraged in being so) and the money they take from them (people who are needy but in a completely separate way) and give it to the kids. In some ways it could be looked at as a Robin Hood type way of running things, rob from rich give to poor, but I see it mostly as creating one problem to fix another. Another disturbing thing we have seen in the bar is kids as young as fifteen drinking (drinks bought by other people) and prostitutes the same age with rich older men. It makes me sick, and though those behaviors aren’t encouraged here they are accepted. Unfortunately there is a need for the children of Casa Guatemala and this is the only way they have found to meet it (donations aren’t close to enough).

I hope it doesn’t sound as if this time here has been a total loss, because it hasn’t. we have met some great fellow travelers. A bunch of travelling French girls who we had to speak to in Spanish because it was our best common language and also a couple of Irish folks we worked with were incredibly nice. They all left on Sunday and now this place is lonely so it is a good thing we are leaving today. By this afternoon, we will be headed up to the ancient Mayan Ruins of Tikal and then on to Belize, so pray for new friends and good weather (right now we seem to be in the middle of a giant storm that dumps rain on us every other day.)

Love you all,
Matt

Trip mail 9

This week I will truly live up to my heritage.

They call us Los Frijoleros, its Spanish for the Beaners. Our job for the next couple of days here is to take all of the beans we moved to the Casa Guatemala earlier this week (in loads of 1500 cans) and distribute them to local people in villages surrounding the Casa. We did it yesterday and it was amazing. An hour with three people crammed into a tiny 2 person truck cab and probably 700 pounds or more of beans in the back, over some of the worst roads I have ever seen before. May time the guy had to get out and move big rocks out of way to keep from scraping (we still bottomed out numerous times though. When we arrived and pulled up to the school the women from the whole village were there in less than 3 minutes. WE handed out 5 cans to each family and then moved to the next town. They were all so incredibly grateful to receive the help from us, apparently Casa Guatemala regularly sends out aid to the people of the area. It was interesting because most of the people of these remote villages don’t even speak Spanish, instead they speak the native Mayan language of Quiche (which involves lots of throat scratching clicking types sounds its rather beautiful to hear)

We have also been helping out playing with the kids a lot and that is a new adventure every time.
So the next couple of days we will be the beaners by day and by night we will work in the Restaurant that helps pay Casa Guatemala’s bills. We have been doing about every job that you could think of here, constantly ping-ponging back and forth, I wish we could get a feel for one thing in detail but we can only do what we are told I guess (mostly because its hard to tell them anything-language barrier)

We have a lot of time to relax here as well which has been well needed. And in our relaxation time we have had some pretty cool experiences as well. Two nights ago we were sitting near the end of the dock at some tables with all of our books and such and one of the fellow volunteers noticed Brain’s Bible (the second time on the trip this has happened) he made a comment on it and then later on came by and sat down with us and talked about it. He asked us what out church was like and how we felt about certain things and we asked him about his faith and what he believes. He is studying Buddhism like many other travelers and we were curious so we inquired more. After a while of talking it really seemed like he had a firm grasp on the importance of loving God and loving others and on humility. We had a great time sharing experiences on the trip and in our lives and we made it a point to hang out more once he gets back from the doctor (he has to have a parasitic worm cut out of his shoulder) So I look forward to continuing our conversation with Dominique for the remainder of the time we are here.

So we’ll be here for another week and I will send another update near the time I leave
Love you all

trip mail 8

Buenos Noches Mis Amigos,
Happy belated fourth of July to everyone. I hope yours was fun. I spent it with the five Americans staying in the hotel we were in.

Yesterday we were finally put to work like we wanted to be on this trip. In fact in one day we did as much work as we ever anticipated doing on the whole trip. Ill get to that story in a minute though.

Our first day at Casa Guatemala was Saturday, and we spent the whole day trying to speak to kids (in rusty spanish) and also watching after them, But mostly just playing and letting them use us as jungle gyms. Casa Guatemala is a orphanage for about two hundred kids that have either been abandoned by their parents or pulled out of their homes for their safety. Some kids still have families but the ones that were there on the weekend had no one else but the staff and kids of Casa Guatemala. One particular fourteen year old was taken form her home because her mother was going to sell her into a prostitution ring. Instead the staff at Casa Guatemala is trying to send her to the states to get an education (she happens to be one of the brightest kids in the Casa.)

It was chaotic to hang out with that many kids for that long (14 hours) they can go forever, and they really cling on quick, I already know its going to be difficult to leave. As far as the way that the orphanage is run I would describe it as total chaos. Most of the kids have no idea of team play ) but that is true of most kids their age) and with so many volunteers passing through it constantly there is no way to enforce strict discipline, but the are still very obedient (One kid will do more chores than a whole neighborhood of american kids do). The camp is kept clean by the kids as well as the laundry and various other chores. The rest of the camp is run solely by volunteers who decide that their summer would be best spent working with kids. Most of the volunteers seem to be constantly at the end of their ropes, which is understandable. They only get two nights off a week.

Highlights of today and yesterday included getting covered in chalk dust from a hundred kids playing with sidewalk chalk and tracing my hands feet and entire body. Also I got attacked multiple times in a game of basketball gone out of control. I also got worked in a game of barefoot soccer. All in all they were about the most active two days of my entire life.

As for the work I was talking about earlier, the day that we arrived happened to be the same day that the Casa was getting a shipment of 400,000 pounds of canned black beans. All of which were loaded in burlap sacks weighing each about eighty pounds. Then they were put on boats, about 10 large boatloads, unloaded and thrown (literally) into three separate rooms filling the rooms entirely. The total process took 7 hours and everyone in the whole camp helped out even the chiquitos (3-5 year olds). The incredible quantity of beans and the very unorganized way of transport ended up in about 60% of the cans becoming dented, which may become botulism bombs waiting to explode. I never slept as good as I did that night. We actually missed the boat the next morning we were so tired.

Probably the most inspiring thing is the constant determination of the camp and its volunteers despite the lack of money, terrible living conditions, mosquitos, and miserable humid heat. One such story was when the medical clinic with eight different doctors who were supposed to come and check up the kids and the poor people from the surrounding villages only, ended up consisting of only one optometrist.

So far this experience has been incredibly overwhelming and I have not had much time to think about it. Most my free time is spent gelling journaling and sleeping. Pray that we can do the best we can to bring love and the light of God into this secular orphanage we will be praying like wise

Love you all.
Matt

trip mail 7

Hermanos y Hermanas,
Well our time in San Jose is almost finished. We are off tommorrow to Guatemala and to the Casa Guatemala Orphanage in the city of Rio Dulce. It will be a full day of travelling and depending on the availability and price of emial in Rio dulce my email might be alot less frequent. (i hope not) We are definetly glad to be moving on, San Jose is beginning to wear us down. The noise and crazy drivers, and street merchants selling all kinds of incredibly useless trinkets at every area of human gathering. Perhaps the most difficult are the beggars every fifteen feet with out stetched hands and miserable looking bodies. Every twenty feet or so there they are. Last nigh we were stopped by 7 people who all had stories about why they needed money (they had been robbed or they need money for the bus to go home), One man yesterday told us how he despeately neede three dollars to fix his cars tire so he could deliver his bacteria to his veterinary lab, but the money we saw him spend on vodka at the bar would have easily paid for two or three new tires.

We look forward to the work atRio Dulce. Partly as a break form the insanity of this place and also because it is nice to to some work now and then (wandering around the city can be get old quick) I will probablly write in a few days to tell about how its going after I get a good idea about the place.

Yesterday we also got a tour of the oura vida centers and heard all the stories of success, its encouraging to hear about christians in other parts of the world doing their best to love god. Hopefully we will be able to meet more like minded people in Guatemala.

Also yesterday I sat down and figured out the rest of our trip and it is very exciting. We are almost halfway done but we still have so much ahead of us. Thanks for the prayers

Love you all,
Matt

trip mail 6

Hello again everyone.
This weekend has been another interesting one. Another buch of changed plans and revised iteneraies. Saturday we were supposed to meet up with the folks from pura vida again at a church service but our connection ended up being more seriously injured than he originally thought (he put a hole through his cheek bone with a soccer goal post) SO we most likely will not be seeing too much of him in the near future. We do however plan to volunteer the next two days at the soup kitchen with some other of his staff but we have to navigate the costa rican bus system to get there and that is a bit scary.

So this weekend we decided to make a trek out to the carribean sea to a town called puerto Viejo e Talamanca. One of the best surf spots in costa Rica (though it was wind blown and choppy. ) We spent the afternoon after the bus ride swimming in the monster waves of the carribean attempting to body surf. We also took a trek down the beach and met a couple fellow travelers, A dog and three little kids. The kids took us up to a cliff with one of the most spectacular views that we have seen yet and then we had a little conversation (in spanish }, as much as we could trying to understand their words through the thick carribean accent.

Later on we decided to head out to where the locals said was the funnest nigh club around, and on exageration every young person and tourist in the town must have been there, as well as every drug dealer in a 50 mile radius. We offered pot a total of 7 times (one guy actually shoved the bad of weed up to our noses), and we were offered cocaine twice. We were forced to stay longer than we wished in that place because it had started to pour outside. AS soon as the rain let up we headed back our hotel and played rummi ( we are incredible nerds)

Everyone we talkd to the next day was so incredibly stokedabout the night before many were planning trips to the local bank so the could afford to stay longer. It is sad that the most exciting thing about international traveling, for most people here, is the cheap drugs and lack of responsibility. The trip to puerto viejo reminded me of how glad I am to have more in my life than that. Kind of contrary to my initial judgements of these people I also thought about Jesus and his desire to be around those who needed him no matter what. SO the question that plagued me the whole bus ride back was what would jesus have done in the same situation( good old wwjd)

Today was also as weird day. We decided to take a stroll down our favoirite street in dan jose, and bring our bibles and journals along. Not more than 50 meteres from the hotel a man saw brians bible and pulled us into the street and asked us to pray for his alcoholism, and we did. He told us his story and we did our best to encourage him in spanish and tole him we would be praying for him for the rest of our trip. It is strange how god is using us on this trip and we are doing absolutely nothing different than just asking him to and taking advantage of such oppurtunities when they come up. What a ride.

So be praying for Cory and now also Oscar, thanks again for you love and support and prayers,

much love,
Matt

trip mail 6

Hello again everyone.
This weekend has been another interesting one. Another buch of changed plans and revised iteneraies. Saturday we were supposed to meet up with the folks from pura vida again at a church service but our connection ended up being more seriously injured than he originally thought (he put a hole through his cheek bone with a soccer goal post) SO we most likely will not be seeing too much of him in the near future. We do however plan to volunteer the next two days at the soup kitchen with some other of his staff but we have to navigate the costa rican bus system to get there and that is a bit scary.

So this weekend we decided to make a trek out to the carribean sea to a town called puerto Viejo e Talamanca. One of the best surf spots in costa Rica (though it was wind blown and choppy. ) We spent the afternoon after the bus ride swimming in the monster waves of the carribean attempting to body surf. We also took a trek down the beach and met a couple fellow travelers, A dog and three little kids. The kids took us up to a cliff with one of the most spectacular views that we have seen yet and then we had a little conversation (in spanish }, as much as we could trying to understand their words through the thick carribean accent.

Later on we decided to head out to where the locals said was the funnest nigh club around, and on exageration every young person and tourist in the town must have been there, as well as every drug dealer in a 50 mile radius. We offered pot a total of 7 times (one guy actually shoved the bad of weed up to our noses), and we were offered cocaine twice. We were forced to stay longer than we wished in that place because it had started to pour outside. AS soon as the rain let up we headed back our hotel and played rummi ( we are incredible nerds)

Everyone we talkd to the next day was so incredibly stokedabout the night before many were planning trips to the local bank so the could afford to stay longer. It is sad that the most exciting thing about international traveling, for most people here, is the cheap drugs and lack of responsibility. The trip to puerto viejo reminded me of how glad I am to have more in my life than that. Kind of contrary to my initial judgements of these people I also thought about Jesus and his desire to be around those who needed him no matter what. SO the question that plagued me the whole bus ride back was what would jesus have done in the same situation( good old wwjd)

Today was also as weird day. We decided to take a stroll down our favoirite street in dan jose, and bring our bibles and journals along. Not more than 50 meteres from the hotel a man saw brians bible and pulled us into the street and asked us to pray for his alcoholism, and we did. He told us his story and we did our best to encourage him in spanish and tole him we would be praying for him for the rest of our trip. It is strange how god is using us on this trip and we are doing absolutely nothing different than just asking him to and taking advantage of such oppurtunities when they come up. What a ride.

So be praying for Cory and now also Oscar, thanks again for you love and support and prayers,

much love,
Matt

trip mail 5

Gods plan is bigger than our own

The sky light in my room this morning woke me up around 7:30 which would not normally be a problem except for today we had to wake up at six. I checked the time and sprung out of bed, angry that our hotel hadn´t given us a wake up call. I made it clear the day before six o clock nice loud knock on the door ( but nothing) So then I tried to figure a way out to meet up with the group for the field trip we were supposed to go on. After a couple of minutes of pacing I realized there was absolutely nothing I could have done and I layed back down frustrated at the fact that we missed the oppurtunity. we had planned to go to sleep earlier than 1 am last night but we ended up talking with someone from the hotel. God had different plans for our time the last two days than we had.

The night before I sat writting in my journal on the balcony crowded with hippies smoking tobacco amongst other things. About an hour into my writing time Someone from the other side of the balcony asked if he could see my journal and he showed me his. We met earlier in the week but ionly briefly. After acouple minutes he pulled up a chair and we all began to talk, Mr brian, Cory and Jueves. Eventually after talking for a while we told them we were Christian and about our plans for this trip. And as the nigh progressed Cory began to share his past backgriound with the church and his problems with it. So we asked him to share what exactky he fekt about it and we headed our way into a conversation that would last three hours. He asked many deep (and some silly ones) having to do with every aspect of christian doctrine and thelogy. We didn´t have a clue about how to answer most of his questions, but we did share our opinions and we listened intently to what he was saying. Eventually it got late and his friend came back out and persuaded him to go out with him and smoke a joint. (its a great place we´ve been staying in).

So when we woke up the next day we were upset but not that upset it was worth it that we missed out on the field trip. Later on that day while writing on the balcony again we talked a little more. We talked about the bible verses i was reading as well as more church stuff about how his mom was involved in the church and how he resented that she spent almost everyday there. I invited him to come with me and brian to lunch and a movie, we offered to pay because he lost his credit card (it was not a scam but we have seen plenty of those since weve been out here)
So today did not work out at all like we had planned it to and we did not get to meet up at all with the pura vida peiple (we were supposed to hang out and go to a church dinner later but our ride called us and tole us he wasnt going becasue he had hit his head on something , random) SO we don´t know if pura vida is something we are ever going to be a part of while we are down here but we have so far had a chance to share life and love with someone who needs it a fellow seeker of the truth.

So we pray that god coninues to guide our trip and give us oppurtunites like that one. pray for our friend cory as well.
goodby all and thank you again
Mateo

trip mail 4

Buenos,
So today I just found out that for sure it is impossible to hang out with Don Salomon and Mery Hernandez (they will be ravelling with their family until august, and i am a little bummed.

However the good news is that things are going really well in Costa Rica. Today I met up with th people from pura vida coffee (www.puracoffee.com if you are interested in what they are all about) they were so hospitiable and willing to let us get involved in their ministry for the short time we will be remaining in CR. Tommorow at six in the morning we will be meeting up with them and heading to an amusement park with about 50 5-7 year olds. That should be a heck of a day. and tommorrow night they have invited us to have dinner with them and even offered a place for us to stay. I wished we could have hooked up with them earlier. They do some pretty crazy stuff down here and work with some kids who are in incredible need. Currently their plan is to organize, so that when kids stop showing up they can pay them a visit and see if there is anything they can do to help. Eladio, the guy in charge, said that sometimes when kids stop coming it is because their family neede money and the kids had to be sent to work and even some kids from the group have been put into work in child prostitution rings. This is quite disconcerting, everyone say that Costa Rica is like a little America. But as it turns out, only three mile away for the major mall and food district thing like that are happening, on a regular basis. Today after meeting up with the pura vida people me and brian went to the grocery store where a girl who was no older than 7 bagged our groceries. She was the cutest little girl I have ever seen and it astounds me that she has to be working as young as she is. Today has been a full eye opening day. i thank god for the oppurtunity that i have to work with the people in pura vida and i also pray that they continue to make a difference down here with what they are doing. Hearing about something like this reminds me of what a needy world we live in. So far we have a couple of sightseeing trips planed at the end of our trip but if things keep going the way they do i think we will want to spend as long as possible with places like pura Vida, places that are a lights in very dark places.

Thank you again to those who have supported me on this trip I am so incredibly grateful to you. So far there has been a new lesson to learn everyday. I look forward to sharing my trip with you when I get back.

Vaya con Mios,
MAtt

so The trip is almost over and I decided it would be good to post my emails to my blog, they are full of typos and may often be incoherent becuase I was in a hurry to beat the hour or half hour time limit in addition to fighting with the slow internet speeds and ridiculously old computers this is email number 4 and on.

I've been churnig lots of things in my mind but can't express them yet especially here maybe soon good night.

Given: Oatmeal = Regularity

Moustache picketers protest the retired comely words, “knitted lattice filters of prose.” Meanwhile housekeepers playing doctor find a way to use metal smithing to distract those with frost bitten unbelief in art. As for the rowdy legless inmate, he remains belittled. The ogre carries his juicer and as he bounds after Shorty on his nimble donkey he giggles. Most everyone else enjoys instant coffee and condensed soup while filling in bingos on blank pages. Uncle Timber and Aunt Eraser ruminate a call to riot and release raging espresso proven to entertain even Solomon. But they’ve all forgotten what I remember: socks are simple natural filters.

a Poem for Joel ( a joke only a joke do not take offense please)

Sarcasm starts chasms, casually most often,
Cuts combine catharsis for its author and
Inward flowing blood from internal injuries
to its patient.

(once again I love you and appreciate sarcasm really)

Two weird class poems:
Home Sweet Nest

Agoraphobic
Bird, too
much fear to
Take to
the sky. It’s too
small, the sky too
wide.

The Amazonian jungle biome perhaps might,
provided there is minimal deforestation,
provide a more suitable dwelling habitat, a
providing and protective providence in close
proximity foliage. Progress like this has produced a
practical and proven cure. However there is the
proneness to become claustrophobic.

Optometrists See Better.

Got a clue about how to make sense?
Why wither, to where, for what, and whence
Late night happenings boost hip hop earnings
And two year olds’ have been known to sport ear rings.
But not diamonds, sure its crystal clear, or maybe lead
There’s a trend, at least nod your head
In agreeance, or not, it doesn’t really matter
just be out, with miscreants, dousing their grey matter.
Sparks start, bonfires, bubble gum pink, up to the high heaven.
Better there than here. At least up there they like seven,
not eleven mind you, clerks no longer have to watch their back.
No more box-sleepers asking “which is the cheapest on the rack?”
instead someone in pink hands out smiley faces and dumdums
and the man from the box asks, “where can I get my goddam rum!”
He doesn’t need one with a gold label or a pirate.
He does however wear an eye patch though his sight doesn’t require it.
Some kids wear them to school, eye patches I mean
They need them, one of their eyes is not as keen.
That seems to be the way it is with people too.
If only the makers of the smiley faces knew.
They would have put glasses on them,
or at least on some.

a Poem about church:

Light of the World
Red, yellow, blue, orange, form the picture of His head.
Their light, individual panes cut between with lead,
crown the ornately embroidered rags below,
and strives, but cannot reach into the first row.

in other words get up off the damn pews

Been a while, huh

Today was good, I realized I suck as a writter, as a friend and as a human being.
To those of you who know me, this is not going to be a negative bash on myself (that I'm all too prone to do). Rather I just realized today how little I've got things figured out.

Last night going through stacks if other's poems, I thought mine stacked up pretty good in comparison. I walked into the class excited to hear others' praise. My poem was clever, funny, and had a great idea driving it... Its funny how you look at your own work in a very idealistic way. I left my classroom that day, my open wounds pouring onto my shirt and down my arms to the class' responses in my left hand. In other words, they didn't think so highly of the poem. But their comments will help. I'm just starting out I really only know how to write a few types of poems and I like doing it, so I will continue. (plus I feel so cool writting poetry, I do have the glasses for it, all I need now is the little weird hat.)
....
Last night I hung out with J and Joel, two guys I really respect, and they remind me always of how puny me and my thought process is. First of all jason is always stretching my mind into new ways of thinking that really piss me off sometimes. I don't know what to do with what he says to me. I take it look at its strangeness and am at a loss for words so I put it into my pocket and say thanks. As soon as I get in the car though, I look at it from all possible angles. Still stumped I put it back into my pocket until I can translate it into simpler terms. Sometimes I wish I had some Earth-shattering things to commment about those types of ideas, because they are not completely new. Traces of these thoughts have been in my mind since eighth grade. Trying to find the balance between punk rock dreams of anarchy and the love of God. So, basically his Idea of Jesus as the theocratic ruler like God was to the Isrealites of Moses' time is cool (cool is a good word to use whenever you don't have something meaningful to say) J and Joel both have a passion to bring their faith to new levels. Most of the time my ideas of faith and how God will act in my life is simply Love God and he will set everything else along the right path, which is good. However I never push myself to see anything new, I rely on God to do all the work in a lazy way.
God continue to reveal to us all your mysterious plan.

For those who are struggling relationally I pray.
For those who are in pain I pray.
For those who are in need I pray.
Let you be enough.

Give Give Give
God speaks to me and rarely do I listen. When I do I am blown away. There are just those times in my life when my better judgement gets the best of me. I cast out into the stagnant lake of my own ideas and I am lucky to pull up an old shoe. Nothing lives in the water where I fish. Often in my lake there are only herring. Perhaps my nets are on the wrong side of the boat, maybe? Really when I look down the reflection off of the water shows only me. The murk is too thick to see anything underneath. Unfortunately the water is still. Sometimes I wish that waves would come capsize my small craft or at least liven things up. There are however times when I do follow God to the right spot and my nets overflow, not with what expect however. Its different everytime.

Thanks God for today I am so grateful. you are awesome love you. You are forever faithful to lead me. now let me do what you say and I'll be set. OK thats all. I pray for Rachel, Phil, my house church, the crazy scheme we dream, and for my family
(Brooke this includes you)
Amen

a revision of "Poetic Frustration"

The Blue Lit Walk

Foolish light falls,
from the bed,
out the window,
and onto the dirt.

Run fast, down two flights.
Do not look at them and they will not see you.
I cannot be caught by the humping monkeys.
Hurry back to the top bunk.
Not a good place to write but it’ll do.
Doesn’t take long for the excitement to wear off.

Doubts cloud my thoughts, and
Outside it begins to rain.
If only it could wash the apprehensions
from the gutters of my mind.
Thunder slaps its arc across the sky.
If only it could jumpstart the words
That I do not have.

Enough what-if’s already,
it’s time to put a pen to use.
At the very least I’ll know
whether there is anything
to put on the page.

(this is a strory of one crazy night trying to simply write my heart onto a page.)

Chicken Scratch Inadequacy
Why am I so afraid to put words on a page?
They might not come out write.
I might mess things up.

What if my poems are devoid of image and life?
Like the sterile supermarket.
Bland rows of colorful merchandise, food.
With a chill that sandaled feet cannot escape.

how’s my
line struc
tur
e
?

And as far as rhyme goes
I haven’t the slightest clue.
The difference between poem and prose
is still a concept quite new.

Surrealism is a crash into the slop of reason
one that drives dogs to no goodbyes or hellos
and word decks confuses the muses
in frequent metaphorical plainness, or complexity.

Do you get the point?
Poetry is not my strong point.
But still I press deeper its point
like a knife, until I am at the point
when I can’t handle any more points.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to write
such beautiful poems
as the ones I read at Borders,
or be published by anything but my printer,
but I think that I might be ok with that.

Dandelion
Eyes jet between two lanes,
focused on the destination .
Lights flash and streak,
they are fireflies hitting his windshield,
leaving no mark but on his eyes.

Rum, pittle, Rum, pittle, Rum.
Braille driving keeps him awake.
His car rumbles on, bouncing along the road, unslowed.
Ninety-five, stayin’ alive,
dead to his life.

What is that on the side of the road ahead?
Does he see the small weed?
Will he stop to make a wish?
To break the stem
and breathe life back into the world?
But isn’t stopping on the freeway a crime?
He must decline, move on, no time.

The SUV he drives forms a shell.
Of air around it.
One that shatters the cloud,
that sends hundreds of little umbrellas
into a flurried blizzard of seedlings,
as he passes by.

The rumbling of his car fades in the distance.
The naked stem remains bent and broken
Its life has been sent into the world without him.
The blizzard, deflowered, subsides
Will he stop to make a wish?
Only if time abides.

A poem in working:

Poetic Frustration

Bedroom is dark, no chalk to write.
Oh well, let numbness fall over tired skin.
Happiness left in the garbage last night.
Has it been emptied yet? Will I find it again?
Toss and turn, this journey to sleep suspended in jello
This day once crowned has lost its splendor
Why do they always mold like bathroom tile grout?
Divulge to me the secret of the concrete heart
Galvanized iron to cage in my cloud.
Will it also quiet the candle made of
soap that hides in the well within?
Let it! Cliffs are needed to surround things fragile.
Put away the jackhammers, and break the mirrors.
I am a featherless peacock my voice is a lyre not tuned.
Not hopeless but surely without any hope.
Silence lulls me to sleep.


(I pormise there will be a poem with an optomistic heart soon, this one just fit in better) with my journal

More contemplating the meaning of the universe but mostly about love.

Well shit. Don’t I just feel like a worthless piss ant today. I do. I feel so terrible probably because I feel I did not study enough for my history test. Who cares I did ok. And also because I have not done enough work to prepare my self for this work I have due next week, but once again I don’t care. I care about the depression in me it creates. I would normally say that Love is the answer for everything. But where is it? In me where is the love besides for Brooke? I want to be about things that life the most enjoyable for me and Brooke does that. What about those who do not? What about those who are a pain and those who piss you off and those who make life less romantic and those you have to work to love and those who hurt you and those who are not beautiful and those you can’t stand. What about me, am I a pain? Does this question ever need to be asked by me or is it my conceit that does it? Is it my desire for love from people and subsequent change of personality to be easier to love. Those who get in the way of love make it harder to do so. However they should not be outside its fold. Never should I dismiss someone out my love cuz they are hard to love. What is my basis for my cynicism? I have no right to judge anyone and when I do, how shallow it is. The couple standing next to me just disgusted me by their PDA, and still are, they have love for one another. Love that no doubt feels some of the same things that me and Brooke do. And an even more important point they know of what love can be and the joy that they can have in love, and they have a song inside singing of how much they want and need that love and how much on the other hand they want to give it. Ah, I have so much to learn.

Let the love I give never be given halfheartedly but only with full disregard for the “important things.” Let the loved be the “important things”

A poem (oooooh! how emo)

Flashlight
Foolish light falls from the bed out the window and to the floor
Run fast to barely miss the monkeys humping
The top bunk is not a good place to write articles but it’ll do
Thoughts cloudy and apprehensive am I to write something
What if it sucks or what if I can’t express myself?
Enough ‘what if’ already, its time to put a gift to use,
At the very least I’ll know whether it is one or not.

I have spent little time on my knees lately and lots of time everywhere else. Books have been the fascination of me and my girlfriend lately. Culturally significant ones like Catcher in the Rye, and ones that cry out to the deep desires in our hearts like Sacred Romance. In both books we have been finding immense tidbits of wisdom it’s ridiculous. This is no doubt a time in my life for searching. This is a time in life to decide who I am going to be and what I am going to do with the rest of my moments henceforth (every time is this time) What bothers me is not that I turn to J.D Salingr and Eldredge for my guidance, it’s that I do not turn to the one who made them wise (I don’t know about Salinger’s walk with God but you have to respect his views on the church in Catcher, another topic for debate altogether) Why is this? Why do I (and I am assuming you too) wait until the last resort to turn to God. It’s been done A thousand times over, from the Abraham to someone. Last week was a very depressing week for me I spent an entire day entirely alone and depressed. Its rather overwhelming thinking of all that you could be but are not. Even in that state God was still the last place I would turn to. Franlky turning to God doesn’t really give results. I wanna feel better quick nad God sometime isn’t for that. What even does it mean to listen to God anyway? How long do you wait on your knees on the floor before you get up and move around? Why do I always fall asleep? I wish I knew these things. I don’t know if I could answer them for anyone else or that anyone else could answer them for me. But the simple point of it all is that we all must figure it out. Unfortunatley turning to God is about as easy as turning an oil tanker aroung in the panama canal (especially when we are stubborn). “oh Matt why don’t you just turn to God for wisdom.” If anyone has the step-by-step manual for that I’d like a copy.
What is conclusion? Is there one? The only way that I have found to love God is just by being myself and loving. That alone takes a lot of effort.