A poem (oooooh! how emo)

Flashlight
Foolish light falls from the bed out the window and to the floor
Run fast to barely miss the monkeys humping
The top bunk is not a good place to write articles but it’ll do
Thoughts cloudy and apprehensive am I to write something
What if it sucks or what if I can’t express myself?
Enough ‘what if’ already, its time to put a gift to use,
At the very least I’ll know whether it is one or not.

I have spent little time on my knees lately and lots of time everywhere else. Books have been the fascination of me and my girlfriend lately. Culturally significant ones like Catcher in the Rye, and ones that cry out to the deep desires in our hearts like Sacred Romance. In both books we have been finding immense tidbits of wisdom it’s ridiculous. This is no doubt a time in my life for searching. This is a time in life to decide who I am going to be and what I am going to do with the rest of my moments henceforth (every time is this time) What bothers me is not that I turn to J.D Salingr and Eldredge for my guidance, it’s that I do not turn to the one who made them wise (I don’t know about Salinger’s walk with God but you have to respect his views on the church in Catcher, another topic for debate altogether) Why is this? Why do I (and I am assuming you too) wait until the last resort to turn to God. It’s been done A thousand times over, from the Abraham to someone. Last week was a very depressing week for me I spent an entire day entirely alone and depressed. Its rather overwhelming thinking of all that you could be but are not. Even in that state God was still the last place I would turn to. Franlky turning to God doesn’t really give results. I wanna feel better quick nad God sometime isn’t for that. What even does it mean to listen to God anyway? How long do you wait on your knees on the floor before you get up and move around? Why do I always fall asleep? I wish I knew these things. I don’t know if I could answer them for anyone else or that anyone else could answer them for me. But the simple point of it all is that we all must figure it out. Unfortunatley turning to God is about as easy as turning an oil tanker aroung in the panama canal (especially when we are stubborn). “oh Matt why don’t you just turn to God for wisdom.” If anyone has the step-by-step manual for that I’d like a copy.
What is conclusion? Is there one? The only way that I have found to love God is just by being myself and loving. That alone takes a lot of effort.

As for today one lesson stands out to me that bears significant importance of all things good and evil. The very universe is made up of these and would be nothing without them. Ok, a bit of overdramatization but here goes. In creative writting class we have recently been discussing the importance of simple concrete detail in poetry. It is essential to developing the image that we see when we read the poem. It is essential to any meaning we may read into a poem. An d of course I had to look for the life applications of such a thought, and it works really cool. Life is simply the little details that add up to make the whole story. Every little bit has importance. There is rarely (at least in my experience) a major event or events that our life revolves around. It is constantly changing and so are we, depending on how we react to these simple details. Like C.S. Lewis said we are all constantly making each other more angelic or demonic through every action (very paraphrased). what we do with every oppurtunity we are confrinted with is our choice. Everytime I back down to a fear I become more of a coward and so on. Just a thought. Oh yeah, also I would love to see a book about christian wisdom on how to live written into a fiction book or maybe told though the story of someone's own life. Buechner is the only one I know of who has done it and I really haven't read much of his stuff. Tired and now I will sleep.

Long time no blog. I hope lack of frequent blogging doesn't send people away. Though I don't think anyone really flocked here to begin with. If only I had a blog Like Jason's then I would be popular and cool. I have been writting though it has not been online. In fact quit a bit of change has gone on recently in my life, a change of major and finally attending a REAL college have been pretty cool, though they have not been all happy happy joy joy feelings. My indecision and lack of faith casued a bit of problems as you will read (if so inclined from past journals written just not posted (oldest first):

My life as of 8/30/02 2:17am:

I hate when what I write about myself is negative but the following is just me trying to figure me out. No doubt one of my biggest flaws has always been indecision. I spent countless months mulling over whether or not I should move to SD. I eventually decided but still felt no real confidence in my choice. I have in the past spent countless hour worrying about which girl is the right one to pick (and ironically Brooke just fell into my lap unplanned by me. How long was I worried about a woman, and how awesome is God to put one so awesome in my life so randomly.) Do I have some major lack of faith? In a relationship with God I should be able to hear the things that he is calling me to and just go for them. After these desires I have in my life are at the very core of my being. They are my “song,” who I was made to be. Yet I have the hardest time figuring out what they are. So many questions constantly plague my mind and heart. ‘(one thing I realize right now is that my confusion becomes strongest when I am far from god) If my worry is not ‘what am I going to when I grow up,’ it’s what school am I going to go for that. Finally I’ve figured out the school, so right now my worry is (I just think I’ll feel better getting it out on to page so that maybe it will stop haunting me.) what am I to get my degree in here? Literature and writing? Communication? Psychology? What interests me most and bores me least? I have a huge fear that I will pick the wrong major. I have a huge fear that I will make bad decisions in my life in general. I have a fear of failure. The answers lie in front of me that I know. The answers lie in you, God. Help me to seek you out and hear your still small voice and call for my life right now. Amen,

09/05/02 1:53 am

Well another day in the life of Matt. School was interesting today. It was a long day but not burdensome. I felt alone but like I was on a journey or a conquest. To finish my bachelor’s degree and finish it well. It will no doubt be a challenge this semester in my classes to simply do the work. Especially if I am insane enough to attempt 18 or 21 units. The crazy thing is as of right now, I feel like I could handle them. Though I know I am not at all into the actual coursework yet. Also the feeling of amazement and awe that I am in a real college and that I am finally studying something that has real value to me the difficulty seems to fade, the chore of actually doing the work seems like it won’t be so bad. I actually desire to learn. Who would have thought! I really hope that I get the creative writing course. There is something so interesting about literature. It is an area that I have so minimally applied myself to. I wonder what I will be capable of . I long to drag the cadaver of my imagination out of the closet where it has been locked since childhood and see what kind of life can be revived into it. Even tonight as I told Brooke the story of the lighthouse (which she slept through) I felt a creativity inside that I rarely embrace. It has been put away so long in solitary confinement that it has forgotten the light of day. My muscles of creativity have atrophied. How have I been able to survive this long when something that after only one day of class I feel such desire to continue in. I inly wonder what is to come. Have you gifted me here God? Is this part of the reason why I am here or am delirious form a lack of sleep last night. I also really hope I stay on top of my course work this semester so that I don’t crash and burn. Like I always do
I am also so apprehensive about this house church thing. I feel forced into it almost by Jason and Brooke’s eagerness. I don’t quite feel ready, but then again will I ever be. Maybe this is just the kick in the ass I need. I am a little apprehensive but what an opportunity we have been given. Jason and Brooke have offered to share their lives with us in a very intimate level. A mentor like Jason is something I have always dreamed of. I have no doubt you have a hand in this God. I hope I am stretched. This looks forward to be quite the semester of stretching and growing. For me and for everyone at Matthew’s House. We all have fears and we need you, God to get past them. Let us live with hopeful abandon and give ourselves to your will whatever it may be. God Help us all!!

09/06/02 2:43pm

Just had lunch with my new roommate Seth, he is a pretty cool guy. He likes to talk but that works out good cuz I like to listen. I really don’t do so well yet at interjecting things of importance into conversation. Steering a conversation is something incredibly hard to do especially when you don’t know what direction you should be steering. I have noticed that as a hard thing to do at work as well. Standing up there with my host friends I usually will get by with talking about whatever fills the time up instead of meaningful conversation. We banter back and forth me usually looking for some reason to cut the conversation short. And once the feelings of fearful discomfort overwhelm me so that I can no longer carry on a conversation I walk away. Then as I go about whatever menial task I have found to occupy my time I beat my self up for letting the fear of failure overtake the opportunity for good conversation. Why not just embrace the awkwardness and discuss life with them? The world may never know.