Brooke is back. Hooray. I have spent the lasttwo days with her and have loved it. I forgot how much we mean to each other. the weird thing now is what do we do? We are bot hpraying that God show us where we are being called but, we dont have any real solid answers yet. It's been kind of weird with her being back as well. not much time to wite unfortunately too much time hanging out with brooke. One quick thing that I have realized lately is the simple concept that God has given me all I need to serve him where I am at right now, and he will contine to provide me with what I need. That inspires in me confidence that the strange person that God has made me to be, with the gifts that I have, has a purpose now. I pray I would find my voice as my good friend Jason would say. I also pray I would find the courage to sing in harmony with the God that made me. I pray that my song would seep into peoples hearts and that they would join in God's song. And like actors in musical we can sing out hallelujah and dance doing kartwheels acrass grass fields (okay maybe not that far, but you get the idea. The song "praise chorus" by jimmy eat world sums up how I continue to feel about doing God's will.
Help me find my voice God.

SO its been a month. Im a slacker what can I say. There are however reasons for slackerness. Three weeks ago m hard drive crashed and it took two weeks to get it back up to speed. Every moment I had access to a computer I spent emailing my girlfriend who is en Espana. Thats all there is to that. Alot has happened since I entered last I coul never begin to write it all so I will just start over from today.

I miss Broke incredibly. seh has been gone three weeks now and it just killin me. I so anxiously awit her ariival. Sometimes that's all I think about. How good it will feel to hold her again, to kiss her again, even to hear her again, I have only talked to her twice since she's been gone. We have both been through a lot on our seperate sides of the World and will have alot to catch up on. I look forward to that. On the other hand, sometimes I think I look forwardto Brooke's return way too much. Both of us were pretty lonely before she left to go to Spain, there were few people that we connected with besides each other (thank you Jason and Brooke for being those loving people to us). I wonder what will happen when she returns. Will it go back to us being in our own little world? When she returns we will merely be alone, together? I know I have been very timid since I have moved down here, very self-conscious. I feel I have relied too much on people I am comfortable with and not really stepped out of my comfort zone. This lame quality about myself has casued me to miss several opputunities to build friendships. I tell you what, I hate that quality about myslef. I hate that I cannot make conversation with people and relate eith them. Ah shit I don't know.
Put plainly I feel alone and cowardly. I deeply desire to die for my beliefs and "make the world more like heaven here on Earth" but I am so weak. I fear that I am not really making a difference. at all. Ok enough of the negativity I have to go to work. God simply use this wretched man. Let me see where you can make use of me and let devote myself fully to that. Amen.

Summary of my week

All in all it has been a good week. Me and Brooke have had alot of good time hanging out. Lots of good conversations about our church, friends and the future of our relationship (mostly dreaming of marriage). We went on a double date Friday night with my roomate Rick and a friend from home Erica. They had a great time and it looks like ther might be a couple more dates in the future (so bug rick about that if you see him.) Me and brooke had alot of fun on our date making funny faces at each other and playing around alot. the date was a blast. The next day Brooke, Rick, Rhi, and I went to Disneyland for free and had a blast there as well. Other than that it has been work and relaxation that I have been up to. Wednesday night (tommorow night) I am going to meet with my parents and have the conversation about school which leads me to my next section of this entry.

Thoughts and Concerns

I really don't know what is going to happen with my parents. I am still not so stoked on the idea of going to Cal State San Marcos, a major in psych is not the most exciting thing in the world. My parents are going to want to hear that God has specifically called me to go there and then they are going to want proff of the actual conversation notarized and signed by both me and God. Ok, slight exageration but you get the idea. I am just in a place right now where i feel kind of in the middle. Both me and Brooke were talking about this tonight (by the way Brooke is leaving for Spain soon and I am already starting to miss her) and we feel that this place, north county and mattew's house, is kind a mid point between two points in our life. I have not recieved word from God calling us elsewhere, so I think we are in some kind of a rut. It is hard being in a place where you don't know many people. Where you are far from your family, and your whole basis for social life (church) is completely different. Last nigh I was thinking and asking God "why am I here? What have you done through me so far?" I feel like I have not been used by Go all that much down here. Both me and Brooke were bumming about the very same thing yesterday. (I'm so glad we have each other). But God is faithful and today he showed me that he is still very much at work in my life.
A coworker of mine, Phil who I have talked to only a few times before and only about random things (this is the same guy who's car transmission fell out 2 weeks ago), began to talk about life and believe it or not God. As we got to talking as the day went by, he told me how he became a christian ( a cool story to be sure) a couple of months ago and how he is looking for a church that is pretty much what Matthew's House is. How Freaking rad is God. we have alot more talking to do but I am stoked. I pretty much feel that altough things in Mattews House are not exploding with growth God is still so at work within it. Also I know for a fact that he is growing me more and more each day, and he is teaching me things too. God has shwn himself to be faithful again and my doubting once again seems trivial. Perhaps this migh just be a growing learning time for all of us. Whatever it is God knows and I will be there for what ever he has planned next.
more to come on this soon...

today I had the chance to see friends from home. About all the people I miss from my old church were there (except one very important one). It was a little odd, but still very cool.I also found out that during this last week my Dad found out about the school thing (my mom finally told him). I am looking forward to discussing it with them. Today was all in all an odd day, not much happened until the graduation where I saw my friends. I did get really bored and down on myself probably the moral for todays adventure is that I am too damn selfish. (todays blog is more for my sorting of thoughts more than anything else). I hope that tommorow does not suffer the same fate. that's it.

truly the wisom of God is what I seek. His power has no comparison. often I rely on my own version of wisdom. and it is always weak compared to what God reveals to me.My goal it to seek out those small pearls of wisdom teaching and leadings that he slips into my daily life. Whenever he prompts me, I want to follow, then and there not weighing the pros and cons not trapped in ( as joel said) "paralysis by analysis," from over thinking my leaps of faith. How much do I trust God if I never act on the small little things he places in my lap. Is not my faith dead without works? Yet I still sit. How long will this go on for? Lord let me step forward and do what it is you have called me to. talking about it can only yake me so far I need to live it. talk is cheap. Thatis all for now just some desires deep within my heart that needed to be said. more to come in a much more coherent version tommorow.

ever have that strong feeling kind of like butterflies but inyour heart when you think about church. when your desire to do god's will is so overwheming that you just have to do something? today i wrote.

Last night Brooke and I started going over this notebook that I have to say I was quite skeptical of at first. But It led us to some very good discussion. For hours we talked about church history and how the church ever ended up in the place it is today. She wanted me to post some of the thoughts we had so that she could "live vicariously through my blog." (forgive me brooke I have added to them a little) The following is my meager attempt to discuss some pretty large topics that Brooke and I disussed last night. If they make sense to you it's a miracle.
It seems like church has been off-track for the last 1700 years. We have forgotten the simple commands of Jesus for so long. All along God has been directing us in our induvidual lives showing us what it is to love and give as he has, but herd us all together and we are pretty dang stupid. Christians as a group forget the almightiness of God and rely simply on our logic. We try so hard to figure out what church is supposed to be like and how we are suppossed to live we miss out on God revealing his way to us. If we rely too much on our logic we lose God completely and we no longer have a church led by listening to the almighty God of the universe. Instead we have a group of people who are nice and very moral led by guys with God degrees (I'm going to school and I know there ain't nothing special about a degree). On the same hand God gave us brains and desires for us to seek out his will with our logic. But never can we forget about him. He will reveal to us how he wants his church to be. In the end he will be the one who has written the best book on ministry strategy. This is a quote from Tom and Felicity Dale from the notebook, "God is progressively revealing (bringing new light from the timeless scriptures) truth so that He will have His way in His church, and on that day His bride will be without spot or blemish." God is in control, and the best thing for me to do is to make sure I am connected with him and acting upon and putting my all into his revelations to me. That is how I can best be the church for now.


-sidenotes: ironic that the US is ahead in everything except in our relationships with God. It seem that our stuff has taken the place of God. Do countries that face more hardships have more faith in God? And did the hardships Christians faced in the first hundred years make them stronger ? Did the widespread acceptance and regulation kill god's work? How can we make sure not to get in the way of God when he acts?

Sunday, three days ago, I had an awesome opportunity to meet with some people that I really love and that have had a real stretching effect on my view of God and church. We had a long discussion about what it is to do church again. We discussed problems that have arisen in house churches and also went over again (a hopefully never ending process) what a healthy community of believers looks like. I am more stoked about what God is doing in my life everytime we meet, and I know that God has spoken to me in a couple specific instances to live out what I have learned (that unfortunately is a new concept for me). At work and in life's rountine I am starting to hear God's call again. Woo hoo! It's been too damn long! Welcome back God!

In a couple hours I'm going whitewater rafting with a roommate of mine and some friends from the church, a much needed break from work. Things are still weird with my parents. I can't keep my mouth shut much longer. They just had their 25th anniversary. Congrats! Me and my lady Brooke are also doing excellent. More of that in the next post.

Where to begin?
Lord thank you for guiding me in life up to this point I can see your faithful hand through every point of the journey so far. You have put wonderful people in my life that encourage and spur me on. thank you for Matthew's House and the ever expanding and ever changing definition of church that you are revealing to me. I am faithful that you will keep revealing things and that on this journey with you I will have never arrived. Thank you for the process.
amen.

As I sit and think I realize that God has everything under control. Though I have "known" it for a long time in my head, I just feel it now more than ever. all things seem to be working towards specific points and I can see god working in them I am way too tired tonight to elaborate but I just had to get it out cuz I've been so stoked about it lately.

This is life now. Anger has been my weakness. It creeps into my attitudes and makes me bitter at everyone and everything. A few minutes ago I threw my iron because my shirt wouldn't iron right. Am I not supposed to be better than such lame childish anger as a christian. I sneeks its way into my heart oh so often. In the car (traffic and dumb drivers) and at things (like irons and loafs of bread that won't cut) is mostly where I have experienced anger before. It doesn't bother me too bad but when the bitterness seeps its way into my relationships and into the way I act towards others that's just not right. Today I took some time to try and refresh, and I feel refreshed, a little. The anger is gone for the most part but I can feel it lurking in my mind waiting for something to lashout upon (like my computer that is freaking out as i write this post).

All in all though life has been swell. My girlfriend of three years, Brooke, and I have been having some good conversations. She has really been pulling the weight of our relationship lately and has been encouraging me alot. She is an awesome woman. I've started to and continue to develop relationships with people at my work and I see some good possibilities there. I am so apprehensive to mention anything about church, I am even fearful to just hang out one on one with anyone, Its a scary thing to do. Roommates are great and i am getting tired as i wrtie so good night.

It seems that I am mostly going to use this for writting my life down and I doubt I'll keep it going enough for anyone to read regularly.

not sure how to work it but we'll see what this litttle e journal type thing does for me. Got the idea from jason evans but he's more computerly inclined than i.

help i don't understand