Sometimes I see the future and
it doesn’t look like what you’d think
There are no light sabers or flying cars.
It is not a post-nuclear wasteland or utopia,
and we have not ventured any further
into the outer reaches of anything.

Instead, the future is sitting right in front of me
At the grocery store sorting through coupons.
And it’s why I’m going to be late for work.
When I see the future I smile sympathetically
But am afraid to look it in the eyes.

- We all want to do something extraordinary and all those dreams seem just on the horizon in high school but somewhere after that they fade and the reality of our ordinariness sets in. Regardless of my feelings I hope that I will simply be in the path of God.

air and light and time and space

"–you know, I've either had a family, a job,
something has always been in the
way
but now
I've sold my house, I've found this
place, a large studio, you should see the space and
the light.
for the first time in my life I'm going to have
a place and the time to
create."

no baby, if you're going to create
you're going to create whether you work
16 hours a day in a coal mine
or
you're going to create in a small room with 3 children
while you're on
welfare,
you're going to create with part of your mind and your body blown
away,
you're going to create blind
crippled
demented,
you're going to create with a cat crawling up your
back while
the whole city trembles in earthquake, bombardment,
flood and fire.

baby, air and light and time and space
have nothing to do with it
and don't create anything
except maybe a longer life to find.
-Charles Bukowski

--- (Thanks for sharing this Chels.) How simple it is to get into a routine. Two months go by without writing, or volunteering, or even quitly listening. And perhaps what is most disturbing is how dead i am before I notice the quiet inside.

Rest of the trip pictures up on the site. check them out

We went to europe see the pictures here

In 1984 George Orwell predicted a world where people were heavily regulated and kept from doing anything out of norm. The world has very much become that which Orwell predicted but in a completely different manner. Instead of watching 24/7 for abnormalities Big Brother just keeps us distracted. He dances and sings, he invented the commercial break to keep us distracted from the truth.

Today I watched a movie where Peter Jennings describes the media's role in Hitler's rise to power. In every step of the way the media was there to support and never questioned him. And I was thinking hmm isn't this a little ironic? Lets consider what happened in Rwanda, western countries had the power to step in but the did not. So thats not quite the same it was already happening and we could have stopped it but it was really far away and all. So what about here at home what has the US directly participated in. Well a few I can think of are: the gross underpayment and unfair labor practices of sweatshop workers worldwide, the unequal trade rate given to third world countries for their goods (in the name of American agriculture and industry), the overthrow of numerous uncooperative leaders: Arbenz- Guatemala, Allende- Chile, overthrow of the Sandanistas in Nicaragua, organization of contras in Nicaragua, coup establishment of Montt in Guatemala-- and that’s just a portion of Latin America.) Sure he can talk about Hitler now, everyone can talk about Hitler but what about what’s going on today.

The only critique of these practices has come from outside the mainstream media. The major media in our country is centered around money. SO the major media outlets are not going to include too much that doesn’t interest readers for fear of losing readership (people = $). And the fact is, the suffering of far away people doesn’t matter to the majority of public as long as it is out of sight (a local example is San Diego’s recent laws passed to keep homeless people out of the nice downtown area- out of sigh out of mind). This, however is a catch 22. How can it ever matter if it is never seen, never talked about?

I suppose the point of this rant is Peter Jennings doesn’t even realize that his own ABC would have been there to back up Hitler in the 1940's, but its not just him. The role of the media and intellectuals should be to uncover injustices and share their concern about them to help us all tune out Big Brother and refocus on the overall situation of the world not just our economically successful bubble. The role of the public then should be to take interest and take action. And I hope that will be more of a reality in the future.

My love v. Christs’

"I wonder at myself. The more I love humanity in general, the less I love man in particular. In my dreams,' he said, 'I have often come to making enthusiastic schemes for the service of humanity, and perhaps I might actually have faced crucifixion if it had been suddenly necessary; and yet I am incapable of living in the same room with anyone for two days together, as I know by experience. As soon as anyone is near me, his personality disturbs my self-complacency and restricts my freedom...

... By the experience of active love. Strive to love your neighbour actively and indefatigably. In as far as you advance in love you will grow surer of the reality of God and of the immortality of your soul. If you attain to perfect self-forgetfulness in the love of your neighbour, then you will believe without doubt, and no doubt can possibly enter your soul. This has been tried. This is certain."
- Dostoyevsky Brothers Karamazov.

loving in the present
It is strange how there are times in life that you forget how much you have. The future always seems more appealing. Whether it’s the vacation next month or the end of the shift in 15 minutes, it’s almost always better than the here and now. Today was one of those fortunate moments when I realized the beauty of the present. On the way home from her parents house Brooke looked over at me and smiled; she said “I love you Matt sometimes I forget, and I take your presence in my life for granted. So I just wanted you to know I appreciate all the little things you do for me.” In that instant nothing else mattered. It was almost as if God was speaking through Brooke reminding me what a fortunate life I have. (I sometimes feel like some tragic thing will happen in the next moment to take it all away, like the car we’re driving in will crash and like some movie version of Job I’ll be left with nothing. It never happens, perhaps it’s my over-saturation with Hollywood drama.) I suppose the best part about those moments besides the extreme contentment is the way they ground you in the present. Dreams and vision are necessary but it seems like I always live there outside of action. God speaks in the present, he may speak about the past or the future but he always does so in the now. So I guess my point is, if those moments of grounding are so infrequent how often am I planning my own future instead of listening for Gods voice?

Joel you had some some good things to say about peace, in fact you summarized all that I had to say in my mini article. Peace is the outcome but how do we get there, the only answer (and most christian one mind you) is reliance upon Christ because He is the one who knows who this self is you are trying wholly to be. Anyways, another concept that was similarly ellusive is Joy. Even when it seems that life is running perfectly you can be without peace and joy. Conversely when life sucks, when you get suspended from your job, break your windshield, your automatic windows, and then throw up all on the same day you can still find a fragment of peace and joy when someone stands next to you and holds you hand through it. So here is my article on joy.

Joy ('joi)
Noun: the emotion evoked by well-being, success, or good fortune or by the prospect of possessing what one desires; delight

Honestly how often do you hear the word joy in everyday conversation? We hear happy a lot and the above definition seems interchangeable with that of “happiness” but there’s more to “joy” than simply happiness and I believe we can discover what it is when we examine the usage of each word. A movie can make us happy, and we wish people a happy birthday. If we are in a good mood we say we are happy. But joy, our language seems to reserve for more special occasions, for instance: when talking about someone or thing very important we call it our “pride and joy,” when something amazingly good happens we say we are “overjoyed”, etc. Those times of feeling overjoyed or full of joy usually also only occur when we are sublimely content, and more often than not this type of contentment is very elusive. We cheer ourselves up by going to a movie or hanging out with friends but we will not find joy that way. Joy comes to us and how long it stays usually depends on how willing we are to receive it. I suppose the real question then is not what the difference between happiness and joy is but instead where does joy come from, what does it look like when it does, and what desires is it filling that normal happiness does not? So take some time, use the materials provided and share your understanding of word with us.

“Joy is prayer - Joy is strength - Joy is love - Joy is a net of love by which you can catch souls.”.
Mother Teresa (1910 - 1997)

“Things won are done; joy's soul lies in the doing.”
William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616)

Joy Quotes
“Joy is prayer - Joy is strength - Joy is love - Joy is a net of love by which you can catch souls.”.
Mother Teresa (1910 - 1997)


“Things won are done; joy's soul lies in the doing.”
William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616)

For a house church gathering this year we gathered a group of friends together to delve into the true meanings of words that have become rather trite Christmas slogans: peace, hope, love, and joy. These are my reflections. I am going to post a word every day or so for a week.

Peace (pEs)
noun: a state of tranquillity or quiet; freedom from civil disturbance; a state of security or order within a community provided for by law or custom Christmas eve, 1914, thousands of soldiers from both German and British armies came out of their trenches to sing Christmas carols, share cigars and cake, and to celebrate the evening. But as soon as the sun rose the next morning the fighting continued and the war continued on killing a total of over eight million people by the end. In many ways the peace these soldiers experienced in 1914 is very similar to what we think of when we think of peace. In the news we hear of peace treaties, and when we have a bad day we long for peace and quiet. So normally when someone speaks of peace they are referring to an absence of fighting or an absence of chaos. Though this definition is a good place to start especially during Christmas, a season fraught with chaotic family gatherings and mall parking lot traffic, it is not enough. If we rely on this definition of peace we may go for a time and be perfectly alright but this type of peace, like the soldiers who enjoyed a one night truce, is not going to solve the major issue. The Hebrew word for peace shalom goes beyond conventional peace, freely translated it means: fullness; having everything you need to be wholly and happily yourself. Feel free to leave a comment on how this peace is really lived out, and how can it be found in the life of Jesus, or in our own. Merry Christmas everyone!

"Every day we do things, we are things that have to do with peace. If we are aware of our life..., our way of looking at things, we will know how to make peace right in the moment, we are alive."
Thich Nhat Hanh


"Peace is not an absence of war, it is a virtue, a state of mind, a disposition for benevolence, confidence, justice." Baruch Spinoza (1632 - 1677)

It's funny that we celebrate Jesus, a homeless wanderer who liked to hang out with poor people, by buying our well off friends things they don't need.

Its funny that we celebrate Jesus, the man who threw merchants out of the temple by blowing a month's salary at the shops of our local merchants.

Frosh/Soph Forest Fire

It starts with one kid asking you to use the rest room, then two, then five. The whispers grow into murmurs and then sprout into the saplings of disrespect. This forest of teenage angst is unlike any other forest in the world, it springs up completely arid and thoroughly combustible. The flames are first visible in the back, they always are. A guy in a red sweatshirt gets up and steals the notebook of the kid next to him, someone else starts playing the drums on his desk. Then a paper airplane files across the room and explodes the front rows into a storm of retaliatory paper folding so widespread that I must act for fear of being burned alive myself. Threats of silent reading work as quick as a squadron of tankers carrying chemical retardant.

Multiply this by six and you have the day of a substitute teacher. If you think this sounds like hell then it isn’t for you. Most people would never jump out of an airplane into a firestorm but there are smokejumpers who love their jobs. Most fire fighters love playing with fire, something about the potential it has to burn, but more importantly to renew. I guess its the same with teaching and that makes me a pyro of sorts. Those of you who know me wouldn't disagree.

A Madman’s Proverb

A dapper apple dabbling in debauchery
Drives the drowned clown’s frown down,
Therefore, babbling buddies grabbed drab crabs
For bait straight out of a great crate.
That being said, the brave knave came out of the cave
Only to find his mind in decline for lack of wine.

The glass is half full, the glass is half empty.
Did you know that you could drown in only an inch of water
But can’t live longer than a week without it.


Unless I make a point to keep it from happening most of may days mimic the behavior of a pinball. Bouncing around random sources of light and sound until finally I come to rest in the gutter. Though at the end of the day the house is clean or I’ve successful put another $180 in the bank, my life feels unproductive. To continue with the bad metaphor its like each day is an accumulation of points in a game that will not matter once over. Numerous times in the past three months I’ve sat down and wondered is this all life is going to be. This would be one of those glass is half empty moments. My immediate reaction in most of these instances is to try and find something to cheer myself up, a good book and beer, Brooke, sleep, etc. But the most intriguing thing is that these type of moments resurface again even after a superb evening with Brooke. Like the first six lines of the poem above no matter how colorful, life doesn’t make sense without a something to give it meaning. Thomas Merton wrote in his book A New Man: “The battle that wages inside of us since birth is the battle between spirit and void, between being and nothingness.”
Don’t get me wrong I love my moments with Brooke, I love reading a good book, and Lord knows I love beer. However when I do not have a perspective that allows me to enjoy them properly, i.e. an active ear to hear God (contemplation according to Merton) I may not be refreshed. C.S. Lewis describes a similar phenomenon in his book The Great Divorce. Lewis describes people from hell traveling to heaven to meet people there, and in doing so shows how even the most honorable things on earth are nothing with out God to perfect them. He tells of a mother who on Earth loved her son more than anything else in life but without God to perfect it her love became possessive and selfish. The even better news that Lewis shares in The Great Divorce is that God can see beyond the evil things we do to see that which we were, in our twisted way, desiring and can transform it into something that honors him as well. This must have been what Solomon had in mind when he wrote about taking joy in your toil, because in this light even that which we dread becomes freeing.

Well this is it. Tommorrow I will climb the volcano and sacrifice Brian to the fire gods, and the next day we return home. Our last couple of days have been pretty relaxing. We have explored the ruins of colonial churches in Guatemala's colonial capital and we have done a lot of kicking back. Talking eating good food and contemplating what it will be like to reenter the real world.

Last night there was a carnival in our town for some historically significant event (I'd tell you except for I couldn't understand anyone when they told me) Anyways we had a blast being the only tourists grubbing on cheap tacos and fresh churros made on the spot (trey I now understand why there should be real churro stands in CAlifornia, they are awesome). We also pushed our way through the crowds to ride the bumper cars which looked incredibly unsafe but were fun as heck. It was a great night. To finish the night we foud some friends that had worked with us in Hotel Backpackers and talked with them for a while, it was good times.

Well thats it, no more to say for now, I am going to enjoy the rest of my trip now. Thanks for reading these crazy emails and hanks for you love and support. Look forward to contunuing the adventure with all of you and also look forward to sharing the stories and pictures. (there are too many of each)
Love you all,
Matt

Ok, so its been a while, I can´t be blamed however. I have tried. This is actually my thrid attempt at an email. I wrote twice about the events between here and now (long emails at least 2 pages each, but power in most of Guatemala tends to blackout alot. So I will fill in those of you who are interested when I get back.

As for the present I am thorouhly enjoying my last week. For the past three days we hae been staying in different villages around the lago Atitlan. A gigantic lake surrounded by five volcanoes. The water is a surreal deep blue, the sky is the brightest blue ive seen, and the voncanoes and mountains are covered in green crops and rain forrest. Today we decided to ascend the nearest volcano, San Pedro. It took us 4 hours to ascend the 500 feet from the lake to the summit, and 1 and a half to come down. The trail was almost straight up and now we are exhausted. We hiked with an English girl studying literature at oxford and we had good conversations between our gasps for air. We planned to meet up with her tonigh again but due to the unreliability of central American banks we had to return to the main Lake city.

Life around the lake is a bit strange. Tourists spending wads of money on cheesysouvenirs and food and of course alcohol, all sold by local inhabitants that range from tired old women to 5 year old kids. All carry bundles of handicrafts on their heads and do their best to convince tourists to buy. THe lakside life is some of the most beuatiful sceneryi have yet seenm and at the same time less than a block way form this internet cafe more injustice than you´d see in a year in America. Its still really hard to process and I don´t know if I ever will be able to.

as for tommorow on to the old Colonial capital of guatemala, anitgua. And in two days we will climb Central Americas largest climbable active volcano. With luck we will avoi the rivers of molten lava and poisonous sulfer clouds and return safely on wednesday, five days from now.

love you all
Hasta Luego,
Matt

trip mail 10

So today we leave, on to bigger and better. For the last couple of days, in stead of working as we planned in the orphanage or distributing beans to surrounding villages we have been stuck working in the bar at Hotel Backpackers. Granted this is how hotel Backpackers makes the money to keep the orphanage running (with the help of foreign donations as well) I did not travel 3500 miles to serve alcohol to a bunch of rich tourists or drunk Guatemalans. That may sound selfish so let me explain. In Costa Rica the organization we hooked up with, Pura vida, had on its premises a rehab center for alcoholics and former drug addicts. There were a lot of men who found community and a chance to overcome their addictions in the company of fellow believers. The strange thing is that now I am working at a bar that works in direct opposition of such an organization. The paradox is that Hotel Backpackers promotes drunkenness (all the locals are sloshed belligerent and encouraged in being so) and the money they take from them (people who are needy but in a completely separate way) and give it to the kids. In some ways it could be looked at as a Robin Hood type way of running things, rob from rich give to poor, but I see it mostly as creating one problem to fix another. Another disturbing thing we have seen in the bar is kids as young as fifteen drinking (drinks bought by other people) and prostitutes the same age with rich older men. It makes me sick, and though those behaviors aren’t encouraged here they are accepted. Unfortunately there is a need for the children of Casa Guatemala and this is the only way they have found to meet it (donations aren’t close to enough).

I hope it doesn’t sound as if this time here has been a total loss, because it hasn’t. we have met some great fellow travelers. A bunch of travelling French girls who we had to speak to in Spanish because it was our best common language and also a couple of Irish folks we worked with were incredibly nice. They all left on Sunday and now this place is lonely so it is a good thing we are leaving today. By this afternoon, we will be headed up to the ancient Mayan Ruins of Tikal and then on to Belize, so pray for new friends and good weather (right now we seem to be in the middle of a giant storm that dumps rain on us every other day.)

Love you all,
Matt

Trip mail 9

This week I will truly live up to my heritage.

They call us Los Frijoleros, its Spanish for the Beaners. Our job for the next couple of days here is to take all of the beans we moved to the Casa Guatemala earlier this week (in loads of 1500 cans) and distribute them to local people in villages surrounding the Casa. We did it yesterday and it was amazing. An hour with three people crammed into a tiny 2 person truck cab and probably 700 pounds or more of beans in the back, over some of the worst roads I have ever seen before. May time the guy had to get out and move big rocks out of way to keep from scraping (we still bottomed out numerous times though. When we arrived and pulled up to the school the women from the whole village were there in less than 3 minutes. WE handed out 5 cans to each family and then moved to the next town. They were all so incredibly grateful to receive the help from us, apparently Casa Guatemala regularly sends out aid to the people of the area. It was interesting because most of the people of these remote villages don’t even speak Spanish, instead they speak the native Mayan language of Quiche (which involves lots of throat scratching clicking types sounds its rather beautiful to hear)

We have also been helping out playing with the kids a lot and that is a new adventure every time.
So the next couple of days we will be the beaners by day and by night we will work in the Restaurant that helps pay Casa Guatemala’s bills. We have been doing about every job that you could think of here, constantly ping-ponging back and forth, I wish we could get a feel for one thing in detail but we can only do what we are told I guess (mostly because its hard to tell them anything-language barrier)

We have a lot of time to relax here as well which has been well needed. And in our relaxation time we have had some pretty cool experiences as well. Two nights ago we were sitting near the end of the dock at some tables with all of our books and such and one of the fellow volunteers noticed Brain’s Bible (the second time on the trip this has happened) he made a comment on it and then later on came by and sat down with us and talked about it. He asked us what out church was like and how we felt about certain things and we asked him about his faith and what he believes. He is studying Buddhism like many other travelers and we were curious so we inquired more. After a while of talking it really seemed like he had a firm grasp on the importance of loving God and loving others and on humility. We had a great time sharing experiences on the trip and in our lives and we made it a point to hang out more once he gets back from the doctor (he has to have a parasitic worm cut out of his shoulder) So I look forward to continuing our conversation with Dominique for the remainder of the time we are here.

So we’ll be here for another week and I will send another update near the time I leave
Love you all

trip mail 8

Buenos Noches Mis Amigos,
Happy belated fourth of July to everyone. I hope yours was fun. I spent it with the five Americans staying in the hotel we were in.

Yesterday we were finally put to work like we wanted to be on this trip. In fact in one day we did as much work as we ever anticipated doing on the whole trip. Ill get to that story in a minute though.

Our first day at Casa Guatemala was Saturday, and we spent the whole day trying to speak to kids (in rusty spanish) and also watching after them, But mostly just playing and letting them use us as jungle gyms. Casa Guatemala is a orphanage for about two hundred kids that have either been abandoned by their parents or pulled out of their homes for their safety. Some kids still have families but the ones that were there on the weekend had no one else but the staff and kids of Casa Guatemala. One particular fourteen year old was taken form her home because her mother was going to sell her into a prostitution ring. Instead the staff at Casa Guatemala is trying to send her to the states to get an education (she happens to be one of the brightest kids in the Casa.)

It was chaotic to hang out with that many kids for that long (14 hours) they can go forever, and they really cling on quick, I already know its going to be difficult to leave. As far as the way that the orphanage is run I would describe it as total chaos. Most of the kids have no idea of team play ) but that is true of most kids their age) and with so many volunteers passing through it constantly there is no way to enforce strict discipline, but the are still very obedient (One kid will do more chores than a whole neighborhood of american kids do). The camp is kept clean by the kids as well as the laundry and various other chores. The rest of the camp is run solely by volunteers who decide that their summer would be best spent working with kids. Most of the volunteers seem to be constantly at the end of their ropes, which is understandable. They only get two nights off a week.

Highlights of today and yesterday included getting covered in chalk dust from a hundred kids playing with sidewalk chalk and tracing my hands feet and entire body. Also I got attacked multiple times in a game of basketball gone out of control. I also got worked in a game of barefoot soccer. All in all they were about the most active two days of my entire life.

As for the work I was talking about earlier, the day that we arrived happened to be the same day that the Casa was getting a shipment of 400,000 pounds of canned black beans. All of which were loaded in burlap sacks weighing each about eighty pounds. Then they were put on boats, about 10 large boatloads, unloaded and thrown (literally) into three separate rooms filling the rooms entirely. The total process took 7 hours and everyone in the whole camp helped out even the chiquitos (3-5 year olds). The incredible quantity of beans and the very unorganized way of transport ended up in about 60% of the cans becoming dented, which may become botulism bombs waiting to explode. I never slept as good as I did that night. We actually missed the boat the next morning we were so tired.

Probably the most inspiring thing is the constant determination of the camp and its volunteers despite the lack of money, terrible living conditions, mosquitos, and miserable humid heat. One such story was when the medical clinic with eight different doctors who were supposed to come and check up the kids and the poor people from the surrounding villages only, ended up consisting of only one optometrist.

So far this experience has been incredibly overwhelming and I have not had much time to think about it. Most my free time is spent gelling journaling and sleeping. Pray that we can do the best we can to bring love and the light of God into this secular orphanage we will be praying like wise

Love you all.
Matt