Estoy en Nicaragua y traigo que apprender espanol. Es muy dificil, pero me encanta.

I took my 3rd glance at the clock in an hour and I forgot what the teacher was asking me about. Something about the subjunctive tense and conjugating a verb that I only marginally understood (from her rudimentary explanation in Spanish) "Como?" I asked and slumped onto the table. "Esperas un momento" she responded and went off in search of a dictionary. I took a deep breath and enjoyed the minute break. As I wiped the sweat from my face (80 degrees and humid  at 9 in the morning) I looked around the room. Both of the students we met yesterday (straight A students, one of them attending Berkeley)  had looks of desperation on their faces. The girl had strings of blonde hair sticking out from between her fingers and seemed to be trying to massage the vocabulary into her mind, and the other student was slumped so far over his books that it looked like he was trying to take a nap (which wasn't a bad idea, I thought, after a week's worth of twisting my brain into a new way of thinking).

Had I been teaching, this the lack of energy would have been discouraging. I would have been disappointed with what I saw (disappointed with students behaving as I was now) but now that the tables have been turned a bit I see that it sucks to learn a new language. I have become just like my worst students, unmotivated, tired and even losing track of and not doing my homework. So as I sat there and tried to re-energize myself I realized that if I have a hard time learning another language but have had the benefit of one on one tutoring, 18 years of formal education, and 4 years studying Spanish, then what the hell is to be expected of  students who have no foundation for their education or of this language.

How to apply this is a different matter, perhaps a lot of encouragement and leniency on my part. But for now, as I go back to studying through my packets of homework (very high school-esque), I suppose I'll take a page out of Nicaraguan history (or even a page out of the lives of some of the people living on the streets of this city) many of whose boundless energy seems to show the capacidad y necesidad para luchar (especially if my struggling is only for 4 hours a day and involves beer and sightseeing)

A woman working to support her family




Mi lucha no esta dificil en este momento!

this guy said he goes into the streets each
night to beg for food to eat.

!Viva Cerntroamerica! 

! Que buena esta viaje! Hemos visto muchas cosas interesantes. En el avión vimos la cuidad de Panama. No se que aquel ciudad tiene edificios grandes cerca del mar. cuando llegamos al aeropuerto vimos médicos ( para la H1N1). Los médicos hicieron muchas preguntas y usaron una camera termal y ellos chequearon si los viajeros tienen fiebre. Mas adelante fuimos a la ciudad Granada, cerca del lago Cocibolca. En este cuidad hemos visto iglesias antiguas, hemos conocido gente interesante, hemos bailado la salsa, y por su puesto hemos tomado cervezas. Hemos muchas cosas y tenemos dos semanas mas. En los semanas siguientes iremos a una ciudad que estaba importante en la guerra contra, y finalmente subiremos un volcán vivo (y va a tomar ron y cervezas también).

Se extrañaron mucho,
hasta la próxima vez,

Mateo

The National Pandemic We Should Care About

In the last week the principal at my high school has been more proactive on the campus than any time in the history of her employment there: making announcements posting bulletins, sending ridiculously long emails, and supplying every classroom with soap water, and paper towels (so that desks may be washed daily). All to address the swine sickness, the improbable infirmity that has inundated news coverage and has even recently caused residents in Spain to barricade themselves inside their homes. And though the news would have us believe swine flu  or ______________ (substitute other illnesses with animals modifiers, i.e.- avian flu, or a mad cow disease) is the next black plague, I am reluctant to hop on the hurtling bandwagon of hypochondriacal hysteria. So, before I scour the depths of of the a surplus shop for hazmat suits and black market retrovirals, I’d like to address another issue of a deeper and more pressing concern - slaktasyck-idleritis, or more commonly referred to as apathy.

This a common disease which spreads more expediently and thoroughly than an even the hysteria surrounding the would-be-epidemic of swine flu, it also seems to be a plague that is resistant to the remedies that have been devised to restrict its spread. Someone you know may have been affected by this disease if they suffer from slouched shoulders or a slow shuffling walk. This malcontented malaise often leads to instances of prolonged sluggishness, evidenced by heavy eyelids or, alternatively, blank stares. Perhaps its most deleterious effect, however, occurs in its later stages (often too late to cure) when the general lethargy gives way to out and out slovenliness. Patients often shirk responsibilities regardless of result, are troubled with a shorter attention span, and fail to wake up until late in the afternoon (those suffering from acute cases are even know to suffer from bouts of narcolepsy, falling asleep even during the most important or interesting occasions). This illness is spreading through high school campuses and suburban neighborhoods everywhere.

Case study to follow

I found the answer to my previous blog post:

Mr. T as a role model and teacher. "I pity the fool who gets bad grades" We'll have to get someone else for the resisting materialism, and cosmetology classes, but its a start.

Is this what I want to do for the rest of my life?
This week of blank stares & disaffected teenagers has been  tough one, one that makes me reconsider teaching high school

"There is one thing you need to make sure that you include in your essay: connection to the real world . It's time to go beyond the literature and into the real world, like we did in our discussion last week. You need to take what ruined Macbeth's life, what caused him to kill, and connect that with a troy that you are familiar with." I said to my class two weeks ago, emphasizing its importance and underlining important words on the board. When I had finished my two minute tirade I glanced out hoping to see students taking notes but was instead met with  blank stares (some slackjawed with eyes glazed over - just short of drooling- two minutes was apparently too much direct instruction). I let the silence hang for a minute and whispered "you should probably write this down." One or two students moved which dragged a handful of other students out of their stupor and caused them to ask their neighbors what was going on. As 1/2 the class slowly scribbled down the short notes (the other half not yet aroused from their daydream) I stared into this future pool of humanity and sighed.

Flash forward two weeks into the future. It is essay deadline day, and looking back I feel like I have taught these students, as best I know how, what they need to do to create a strong essay. I repeated instructions and tips for roughly two weeks, at least twice a day. WE brainstormed ideas together and they made connections in their notebooks. I created an online discussion board that students shared ideas on to ensure they were headed in the right direction. I handed out examples of an essay that successfully did what I was asking, and together we broke down the elements of the argument (I wrote the examples myself because I had not taught it before). I organized students into groups to check for this concept in each others papers. I put the students through workshops to make sure that they had honed this concept in their essays.  I gave students several hours to write and work in class. These are all of the most effective techniques that I have learned to create a successful community of writers from some of the best teachers in San Diego County, and yet upon reading these essays (now three weeks in the making) I see that it was not enough. Half of the students never included what we discussed, and to put it bluntly, their papers suck!

Sure you could argue that they have been undereducated for so many years before, and they come from poorer families, which make them much less likely to succeed. They are part of a digital age which makes focusing on an essay much less easy. It could even be argued that because I am a new teacher I am destined to be much less effective at teaching writing to my studetns. I will grant that these reasons contribute to some students poor acheivment (except the last one, my teaching is flawless -ha), but it's an explanation that just feels lacking. It seems the problem goes deeper. This poor acheivement seems to stem from one of our culture's major flaws. It seems that these students, who plan to go to college and become well paid business professionals, are living the new version of the American dream, one that tells Americans something comes from nothing. A dream that allows them to have the world handed to them without having to work for it. There are many contributing factors: doting parents, poor role models (think popular musicians, movies, and even business professionals) lack of consequesnces for bad decisions (invincibilty of being a teen), irrelevant teaching etc. etc. I am not so concerned with searching out the blame, but I am very interested in searching out the cause and combating it using the education system. What are teachers doing to battle apathy? How can these subdivided separately assessed skills be affixed, in a meaningful way, into studetns lives? How can we team up with other organizations to change the culture of the sutdetns who attend our schools?

Big questions without immeadiate answers. But I suppose the fact that I am willing to ask after this week, shows that I stilll care about teaching. We'll see if I feel the same way after reading all of the essays! ARGH!

Hugo Chavez is the Enemy of who exactly?

Many have claimed that Chavez, the leader of Venezuela (who recently helped the country do away with term limits that would enable him to remain president as long as he can be reelected) has been referred to by many as an enemy of the US. George W. Bush  declared the Venezuelan democracy an "unchecked concentration of power in the executive," which, although incredibly ironic (the whole pot & kettle thing), makes a valid point in light of practices such as the term limit removal mentioned earlier. But some take their criticism a little further as good old Pat Robertson does here, "We have the ability to take him out, and I think the time has come that we exercise that ability," and "If he thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it... It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war…and I don't think any oil shipments will stop". (Ah, nothing like well paid vocal Christians preaching self-interest, murder, and war to make the rest of us look good)

Though most aren't as extreme as W or Robertson, much of what I've seen having to do with Chavez is negative. Which begs the question, what is the other side of the story? Well, here it is. The below documentary The Revolution Will not be Televised  set out to make a documentary of Chavez's life and accidentally captures a military coup launched by the several consevative businessmen and military officers (They admit to their involvement on TV!) Even if the politics of Latin America aren't something you're interested in, this is a fascinating look at how easy it is to manipulate the government and the media in a poor country (and may make you ask the same questions about our system here)

Enjoy!!!
 

The Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit, and the Bird Man

I just finished watching Bill Maher’s Religulous, which was, to put it lightly, annoying and tedious. But despite the films flaws it introduced me to something I had never heard before. The connection between the story of Jesus Christ as told in the Gospels and the story of Horus, the falcon headed Egyptian god. I am in no way invested in the idea the scripture is inerrant nor was this the first time I had heard about mythology or pagan religions influencing the bible. My faith wasn’t shattered when in college I read the Epic of Gilgamesh and learned that the story of the flood in Exodus was most likely borrowed from that text. In fact I already assumed that a great many Old Testament stories were mythical and meant to be instructive not historical. But I had never taken that approach or heard similar stories to New Testament until Mr. Maher introduced Jesus’ bird headed distant cousin.

He really has a lot in common with Jesus. Check it out Virgin birth, son of (a) god, performed miracles (including both raising a guy named Lazarus from the dead), said to be the savior, had 12 disciples, crucified on a cross around age 30, rose again 3 days later after defeating death, etc. In case you might have been confused about the timing this legend came about at least 2000 years before Christ was to have lived. That would mean that biblical authors borrowed their ideas from the Egyptians. And unless the savior comes back around every so often (which would stoke fans of the Matrix) this knocks me a little off of my foundation.

Since reading a little bit about this I’ve been trying to determine if it takes away much of my faiths’ validity. However that is a good thing. It has caused me to reevaluate the most important tenants of my faith. For example, it’s really not that important that Jesus was born of a virgin or that he turned water into wine (though I was excited about that one). The crucifixion + resurrection, on the other hand, are kind of key. What does my faith look like without them? If that part of Christianity is negated then things might get a little tricky. Without this tenant of Christianity, essentially the part that says Jesus died to forgive our sins, the backbone is seemingly cut out of out of my understanding of God, my faith becoming a jellyfish beached and waiting to die, or is it?

So some questions remain:

• Am I reading too much into this?
• Am I ok with the normal guy Yeshua? Is the fact that he was a peaceweaving           nonconformist and revolutionary enough to follow him? deify him?
•  What remains of my faith without Jesus?
• Is there still the possibility that the Holy spirit speaks to us?
• Is there still the understanding that there is a God of love and his ideal is what we strive for?

Send answers or thoughts if you have them!!

Starting Lent off with a Bang!
This morning I was greeted by a student who was more awake than usual. She walked into my English class at 7:20 this morning shouting "Mr. Gonzales Mardi Gras is today, Whoo! Yeah! Are you gonna party tonight ?!"  I looked up up, half asleep, and saw her shaking a fist full of  purple and yellow metalic beads awaiting my response.  

"Huh?" was all I could think to say. "To be hoest I had no idea it was Fat Tuesday."

"Well I am!!" she  said and turned to talk to another student quietly, but not quietly enough. "Yeah, I'm totally gonna go out tonight. Check out the beads I got last year. I have another  one at home that says show me your tits!! I was gonna wear it today, but I thought it'd get  taken away."

The other student chimed in "That's awesome!! How'd you get 'em?"

At that point I walked to the other side of the room for fear of what else I might hear, and thanked God that my students keep me informed of the deeper meaning of religious holidays.  

To all the Prop 8 Haters
This new video puts everything in perspective (and even includes a guest appearance by Jesus!!!!)

"Prop 8 - The Musical" starring Jack Black, John C. Reilly, and many more... by Jack Black

Improving Teaching Through a Grassroots Reformation: 
Disclaimer: This blog appearrantly struck a chord in me because its a behemoth of ideas all piled together  (feel free to comment on my logic or content- thanks)

An area that I feel compelled to work towards change, as a high school teacher, is the way that our school system deals with English Language Learners (ELLs). To give some concrete understanding to this issue let me reference how my district's has failed in their attempt to reach these students:

1. Lack of a system to address the need - Throw them all at the new inexperienced teachers- I received on my 1st year of teaching, 4 periods of students who, despite progressing through grades k-8, had failed just about every class and still remained functionally illiterate. The only advice I received was to: a. not assign homework (they won't do it) b.  kick out the misbehaving students quickly c. teach them academic vocabulary, with no emphasis on how or what, or mention of the fact that they could barely even read - - Needless to say my first year was rather trying. In fact, throughout the past couple years I've been teaching  these students the majority of teachers teaching this population have given up and moved on to "regular" classes, and, sadly, about half have given up on teaching altogether. At the same time the district and other teachers bemoan falling test scores and a high drop out rate.  
2. Lack of leadership- Though I am often frustrated with my colleagues, I believe the problem does not entirely lie in their hands. No one knows how to deal with these students. Though I do believe that the responsibility should fall on those who are getting paid to figure it out, the district or site level leadership. Our English learner contact person has offered real concrete help in the form of worksheets and get to know you activities (which more often then not came straight out of a book or off the internet- like I can't fucking google shit) For help on my campus I have to seek it out on my own. I have to meet with credible teachers during lunch or pass notes during the useless training sessions. 
   
3. Lack of respect- Teachers who have stepped up to the plate with at desire to make a change (teachers who have been recognized by experts in their fields and have published articles in peer reviewed journals) are often brushed aside by those in power because their ideas may take too much initiative or time to implement. 

Sure, this is just my personal experience, but I hear it echoed by teachers all over the county. I haven't quite worked out the solution, but I know that teachers must  have a larger role in the leadership of any system that will succeed, and I cringe at systems that  place technocratic superintendents in power and allow them to mandate the direction that their districts are heading. In most cases these top down mandates include heavy scrutiny on test scores as a means to gauge the quality of education that students receive. Though these are the most easily  quantifiable measures of teacher performance they do not do a good job of truly grasping how well our students really comprehend material. A student's limited vocabulary or unfamiliarity with certain cultural interactions may make them unable to understand a reading passage or the questions being asked. Also, these types of high stakes tests are one of the worst ways of testing English language learners, impoverished, and special education students due to the fact that they have different methods of organizing information (they often do not arrange things in hierarchical logical patterns- like this blog post for example). A perfect example of this is the fact that the only students who do not pass high school exit exams are ELLs and Sp Ed students. Don't get me wrong, it is undoubtedly the purpose of the school system to introduce students to this type of formalized, logical way of thinking. It's just that I don't see that tests are helping do that, they instead show students that our education system values arbitrariness. The biggest flaw of standardized testing is in the message it sends to our kids. If we value critical inquiry and in depth reading & writing  then why give students tests that have them filling in bubbles. The most formal piece of most students k-12 educations often just become guesswork (a striking percent of students score less than 25% -that means they didn't even guess well), that has little bearing on their lives at all. No wonder students don't buy into the education system, they see no value in it. I believe our efforts to educate must include efforts to help students see the relevance of their education and its implication in the world they live in - Perhaps a school where students confront real life problems and atttempt to make a difference, like the school  Adam Doster suggests in his article "The Conscious Classroom." These kind of ideas could confront the youth culture's uninterest in the education system (a huge factor in student failure that is rarely talked about)

 Another thing that worries me about the education reform movements is the frequency that  finger is pointed at teachers who are substandard and need to be removed them from their positions. Of course these these crappy teachers exist. We all had them in high school and there are many  on my campus that are way overdue for retirement, but these crochety x-mas sweater wearing curmudgeons are only part of the problem. Rarely is there discussion about how to procure money needed to fund programs like NCLB, or create students that are critical thinkers v. those that can take tests. Even if there is discussion of failing teachers there is little discussion seeking to find the reason that teachers do get burnt out: they can no longer see hope in their jobs. The students are less interested, and there are more of them. Their jobs are more focused on stagnating in meetings (which more often then not do little to inform or educate teachers), and there is little chance to make their teaching better (unless teachers are motivated to do it themselves on their own time). So many trudge back to their dilapidated caves armed with a red pen and coffee mug (or if you were my HS math teacher- a flask of tequila) and await retirement.

That said, there are many teachers who, given the chance to have their voices heard and the responsibility to make their ideas reality, might actually make change. Like the most effective and healthy revolutions, the  change in education structure begins at the grassroots level, not at the top. Instead of being marketed by ACSD or any other education publisher, ideas need to come from teachers that are using them in the classroom. Take for example the National Writing Project a teacher lead professional devolpment group that is revolutionizing the way teachers approach academic writing in their classrooms.

There is a lot of experience and knowledge in our schools waiting for an outlet.  But this power can't be fully tapped until it can find an outlet in the school system itself. A reformation or revolution of the education system can't really take shape until those at the top acknowledge where the power lies.

I have a Rockstar friend

Tim you are so freakin brutal!


Thanks for the fun at the show.
By the way, the kid Tim reaches down to high five is Brad Sonnenburg my housemate. Brad subsequently almost smashes his face on the concrete and gets roughed up by security guards, definietly the highlight of the show.

I've been passionate about teaching lately because I've found a way to revitalize less exciting parts of the English class. With help of several other English teachers I've worked to create a them based course of study including modern films and news stories. The goal of the whole thing was to engage students so that they care and put more effort into their work. Success has been mixed. Sure I gripe a lot, (there have been times I've wanted to drop kick kids in my classes over the goal posts of our CIF winning football team's stadium), but I have had some breakthroughs where students were able to learn a new things about themselves or their world. But the question remains: is this what I really want to spend my time on? I pour 10- 15 hours a week into crafting awesome lessons and pouring over students papers, and usually spend another 30-35 hours discovering the futility of that work as my lesson plans fall apart, and students toss corrected work straight into the trash.

So before I slit my wrists, or elicit a lot of sympathy comments from those few who read this blog, I do have a positive, albeit profoundly obvious reflection that I've gained from this failed teaching effort: I should do something else.

I've always had a predisposition towards the aiding the neglected, but I wasn't sure if it was just a romantic notion of doing the happy- helppy thing, or if it was a true "calling." However, as I sit reflecting over the day, the week, the year, I realize that I'm always drawn to the neglected. The most fulfilling and challenging part of teaching is working with lower level learners, or helping first time high school grads find their way into the right college. Giving a leg up to the kids who the rest of society has put down is incredibly fulfilling, when it happens. That said, it is such a small part of my teaching, why not move on and find somewhere (if only just for a short time) that I can make a difference. Why not live abroad? Why not study the failures of the education system in the poor parts of Mexico or South America and help kids learn before they even get here? Why not investigate the sources of the problems causing such apathy in students, and attempt to reverse them? At the very least I'll appreciate teaching more, or, hopefully, I'll find something I love even more.

So then, it remains a question of when, where, and how to get started. Something I plan on focusing on this year, wish me luck!!

Congo - Seeking $ and Power Through Exploitation and Intimidation (Part 1)

Another African country is in the news!!!

WTF?

Can't they get their sh*t together over there. Those Africans are always killing each other, how do these crazy people gain power?

Oh yeah, I forgot that we (rich Europeans and Americans) are the reason that Africa is so F***ed up. Case and point, the current continually disintegrating situation in the Democratic Republic of Congo. a country whose problems began with one such crazy leader, the greedy and ambitious King Leopold II of Belgium. Leopold Exploited the DRC's resources for his own gain. In order to ensure total access to the resources he severely mistreated the Congolese, forcing people to work in the rubber plantations and mutilating them when they would not do so. An estimated 10 million people died during the reign of Leopold II. With his example, and the most desired cache of natural resources in Africa to fight over, how can we be surprised that today the area is in tumult?

Today's resource of choice however is no longer rubber, we've discovered more practical and cost efficient ways of producing our car tires. Instead the focus has been on the minerals. The coveted minerals of the day are gold, copper, cobalt, uranium, zinc, and tin; many metals that make our daily lives possible (like this mac I'm typing on right now). And because of the draw of these minerals and unrelated problems in other areas of Africa it seems that several psychotic militiamen have descended on the Congo. Enslaving a new crop of natives to harvest minerals, and displacing millions who live near future mines, leaving them without food and water, or a way of making any money to survive. Some of these refugees have been able receive help from NGOs but many have simply been cut off by the constantly moving warring armies and militias. From the constant fighting and forced removal and general abuse of the soldiers it is estimated that 5.8 million people have died. (more people in any armed conflict since WWII)

But perhaps the most gruesome tragedy is the method in which these militias (which includes just about all the fighting groups including the Congolese government) get villagers to do what they want them to, which I will address in my next post.

Prop 8 protests at Saddleback (on Colbert Report)

Voting for the "Other"- Embracing the 2nd Commandment at the Polls

In the past few weeks there have been a lot of angry statements flying around about the propositions on tomorrow's ballot. Many churches have also found their way into the argument (so much for separation of church and state). Without going onto all of the vitriol I just wanted to add one thing that I can't stop thinking about: This isn't what Jesus had in mind. Throughout the Bible we see Jesus standing up for those who are oppressed, on the margins of society, and he called us to do the same with our vote. Jesus made the choice to live and die for others he didn't know. We should at least consider them as we step into the polls tomorrow.

There are 2 major propositions on the ballot tomorrow that we need our particular attention.


Prop 8 - eliminates same sex marriage

Jesus lunched with lepers, partied with prostitutes, talked with tax collectors. He accepted them where they were and spoke with them about their lives. He never publicly chastised them or called them unclean, as many of his religious counterparts would have. If you remember the story of the people who were going to stone the adulterer he actually stopped a mob who was going to punish an obviously guilty woman. He knew that he was going to be an outcast soon and he did all he could to protect outcasts who he came in contact with.

It seems a lot of churches have stood up in favor this proposition (and against gay marriage), and I don't believe that was what Jesus intended. Jesus built relationships, he befriended people on the fringes. He did not stand up for abstract principles like "the sanctity of marriage," he stood up for those who no one else would. I can't see any group that is more looked down upon by the church, and our society, than homosexual men and women. So regardless of what your particular views are about same-sex marriage I encourage you to think whether or not a law is the best idea. Instead step out of your comfortable shoes, and view life from the perspective of another person.


Prop 4 - A child getting an abortion must notify parents 48 hours ahead of time

In a recent conversation with a friend she told me that she would be mortified if her daughter had an abortion without telling her, and upon thinking about any future Gonzales babies, I suppose I would feel the same. But I am not the only one who laws effect. I had the privilege to grow up in a loving household where pregnancy, though tough news, would have been handled with care and support by my parents. Many people don't have that luxury. Working at a high school campus I hear and read about an awful lot of kids who are not loved by their parents. If we are to truly love others we must try to understand those who are in the most difficult positions, and give voice to the voiceless.

"The poor and oppressed are sacramental," Tony Campolo began his speech to a crowd of eager students and educators clinking forks on plates in the University of San Diego's conference hall. He went on to explain, eliciting exclamations of "preach it!" and "Amen!" from the mild-mannered crowd, that being involved with the poor should be just as foundational to faith as the act of communion. To illustrate his point he related an experience a few years ago when he became involved mentoring and learning from the students who, with Shane Claiborne, began living in solidarity with the homeless who were in jeopardy of being evicted from a run down cathedral they had been living in (a story that can be found in Claiborne's book The Irresistible Revolution). As the college students lived and took part in communion with the poor, Campolo says, they were changed; they began to understand Christ’s vision of loving the poor. I would argue that this act of getting to know and serving with the poor was probably more of a communion with Jesus than the taking of a piece of bread or sip of grape juice ever could be.

This was not a new story, I had read it in The Irresistible Revolution and it had inspired me then. Today, however, it hit me in a new way. Intermingled in my brain with my recent re-reading of Mortensen's Three Cups of Tea, it formed some kind of healing paste to the rigidity of my thinking, much like Jesus’ healing mud and spit salve was to the blind man. Relationships are the key to really being able to bring about true social change. Relationships with local Pakistanis, for Mortensen in rural and very foreign Pakistan, were the key to rearranging the social structure of the small villages with small schools (they also helped keep the costs the costs down.) Close and honest relationships are also the same thing that makes Shane Claiborne’s simple way so effective and so inspirational. His group lives among the poor and serves them, not from a distance with all the answers to make their lives better, but from within, valuing their ideas and empowering them to begin change on their own.

I was taught in church year after year that it was about relationships, but despite that we continued to create programs to serve our needy students. In my high school everyone knows that relationships are the backbone to teaching, but walk into a classroom and you won’t see most teachers really relating to and conversing honestly with their students. (This year that has been my focus, with good and bad results, but that will be the subject of another post.)

So the question then, is what do we make of Campolo’s and Jesus’ charge to meet the poor and needy head on? His suggestions: First, live together to support one another. Check. And secondly, this one made me cringe a bit (I stick my head in the ground like an ostrich with the mention of anything confrontational), was to go out into the community and simply ask to talk with and “pray for a blessing on people.” Whether that is the solution or not, it had a rather pleasant ring to it. Meet people, and as they talk to you, consider their needs and wants and see what our community can find out about connecting them to groups or organizations that could help them (find jobs, get food stamp assistance, find a handyman, get homework help, learn sweet soccer skills). It does sound rather ideal and also uncomfortable, but it sure appealed to my naïve and idealist nature. Share with me your thoughts…

“A nation that continues year after year to spend more money on military defense than on programs of social uplift is approaching spiritual death.” - MLK Jr.

MLK speaks the truth, but the part I forget is that peace must begin at a personal level.

I hear messages like this and ones like Shane Claiborne in Irresistible Revolution and I am not sure what to do with them. I am so motivated by them, I’m like a speaking-in-tongues dancin’-in-the-aisles Jesus freak (at least on the inside). But the problem with that super excited mentality, even if it is shown on the outside, is that it benefits no one. I can highlight a book until it glows in the dark, but it does me, or more importantly it does no one else, any good. I suppose, God, that it is the same thing I’ve said a hundred times, that I want to make a difference but I AM not.

-Stop and meditate break –

As I’ve been writing I realized at least a couple ways – Dave and Shari’s lawn (which I realize now that I never mowed!!!), our neighbor Veronika, my AVID student’s financial needs, my EAP students cards of encouragement.

So my thoughts are now that I don’t know whether the problem is that I am thinking too large scale (about military programs and global poverty) or that I really have no idea how to live these things out. Unfortunately, because now I have just though of tangible things to do to make a difference and can’t feign confusion, because that only thing holding me back is my laziness (specifically in the form of watching Oscar nominated movies – which often movies like Blood Diamond, Babel, or Last King of Scotland make me motivated but rarely create action to live out loving others) I believe it is the former. So, God, in your infinite wisdom and love let me do things in my life that will make others’ lives better whether it is a simple day-to-day kind of love or life altering kind.

Thank you for today,
Help me to love today.

Can you have a quarter-of-a-century life crisis?

I am now twenty-five and I’d like to say that everything is just the same as last year, or that I really don’t feel older, but I do.

This has been a very different year for me compared to the past few. With the start of teaching in the classroom, the career that will take the majority of my time for the next thirty years or so, comes a calm tranquility. For the first time life is not in tumult. Jobs are not changing, I am not going to school anymore, no more random people in random places, my life has become routine. Overall I suppose the biggest changes that starting a career has brought is routine and cash, which are both good and bad.

Routine's nice because for the first time in about five years I can plan my life without having to wait to find out what a work or school schedule is going to be. I know what time I will wake up, what time I should go to bed (but still I don't), and how much time it takes me to do things everyday. I am also not spreading myself over several different things anymore. I can put most of my energy into my classroom and into my students, instead of heading in several different directions at once. All of this is nice of course but I can’t help but feeling a little too settled.

Brooke and I had talked a lot about our plans for the future during the first six weeks of teaching and we discovered that we didn’t really have the desire to travel, or make an international type of pilgrimage that we once did. We are making a difference here in the lives of kids so maybe that’s what life really has in store for us. Alone that is not a bad thing but couple that together with the teacher salaries (which though meager, are about 2.5 times bigger than our salaries last year) and let it sit for a few years you have all the makings of a middle class malaise.

I have already learned that I have a terrible predisposition towards hunting on the internet to find new toys to spend my hard earned teacher cash on. I have contemplated a new computer, a digital slr, a disc golf set (yes, I’m a nerd), a new speaker set, a car radio, and a vacuum cleaner. In fact, all of my time on the Internet recently has been focused on consumption, whether its been of goods, ideas, or pirated movies, it doesn’t matter. The fact is: I haven’t created a damned thing myself. And that’s what I worry about.
Will settling into a career make me lose my soul? Does the fact that the career is teaching make any difference? What happened to those dreams of traveling and changing the world I once had?

So, This is the summary of the past year of my life:
School, school, school, teach for free, and work.

During this time, especially the last couple months I've had some pretty cool breakthroughs in faith. I would like to say that these breakthroughs are the result of my vigilant pursuit of God, however the reality is quite different. The busyness of my life has kept me pretty well distracted from God over the last few months. But now, with hiring season approaching for the teaching profession, I've gotten pretty buddy-buddy with him. The mere possibility that I won't have a job next year is terrifying (so is the possibility of having one, though). I've done my best to portray a professional attitude to all prospective employers and that is exhausting to do on a constant basis, but its a little easier if God helps out. His help is precisely the reason I'm writing this blog.

About to embark on my first interview at Rancho Buena Vista High School, the school I did my student teaching at, I was more than terrified. I was freaking out. I had spent the night before pouring over possible interview questions and pillaging my closet for a decent outfit to wear. Feeling unsatisfied in both departments called friends and family asking for advice and prayers as I went into my interview, which at the time seemed like my only chance to get a job. "the only way you'll get in to a good school is by getting hired at the school you student taught at, but no pressure" I was told by one administrator. Yeah sure, no pressure, I'm perfectly calm now thanks.

So as I called around several people consoled me and offered their suggestions. About my lack of attire, my mom suggested I hit up the thrift store before the interview. I laughed. The thrift stores in Oceanside are just about as ghetto as they come I doubted I'd find something worth while there. But, my mom was right (God has a point with that 'honor thy father and mother ' stuff). In the hour that I squeezed in to look for suits I found one at the first store I went to. The only full suit they had. It was a sweet looking, grey pinstripe suit which, as later took it into the fitting room and discovered, was perfectly my size. It is near impossible to find suit to fit my lanky arms and small waist, but there it was almost shimmering in the fluorescent glow, perfectly pressed and smelling stale cardboard (like everything at a thrift sore does). This, however, is not the best part of the story. As I swaggered up to the register, with my new digs in hand, I handed it to the woman behind the counter and she said, "$12.89 is your total." That's right, less than thriteen dollars. I was stoked. Now God is on my side, for sure I'll get the job.

Later on that evening I walked out the interview panel supremely confident of my rocking interview skills, and God-ordained success. It wasn't a week later that I found out a colleague got the job instead. But I wasn't as upset as I thought I'd be. I had already moved on and applied at other districts. I knew that God, if he could provide me with a sweet grey pinstripe suit, he could take care of the bigger stuff as well. In fact my faith was even more increased in the failure of not getting a job. I was forced to again acknowledge that God has a design and that my goals and his are often not aligned. I spent several more days at the beach trying to discern his plan and what I should do next.

That's where I was until this last week when God worked his pinstripe magic again. Stay tuned for that update.

We are generation between constantly up and coming, but never arrived. We have been raised instilled with anticipation for the future but never the now. “I can’t wait for vacation, for a break, for the party tomorrow night, for [insert your desired gratification here]. We have learned how to look at the future like movie previews and advertisements: all the build up but none of the follow through. What happens once the movie is seen, once the party is over, once the goal is attained? Are we looking forward to the right things?

“The man who does not permit his spirit to be beaten down and upset by dryness and helplessness, but who lets God lead him peacefully through the wilderness, and desires not other support or guidance than that of faith and trust in god alone, will be brought to the Promised Land.” --Thomas Merton

We should know well enough that no one here can offer wisdom or understanding better than God. So Lord, help us place our faith in you and lead us by your mysterious power into an understanding of the future that is whole and a present that is filled with the peace of knowing you.