Concerns and Revelations About Church

There is a grave concern that has been put on my heart very recently. It is a concern that I believe has been there for a long while, but only recently am I realizing it. I worry about my fellow Christian friends. It seems like almost every one I know is losing heart and confused about what in the world God is doing in their lives (myself included). It seems that we are all being attacked by loneliness and confusion. We all yearn for love but when and if we come together it often does not happen.. I know in myself there has been much hesitance to love other people often stemming from both fear and laziness. It seems that pervading mentality of most of us (most of humanity for that matter) is that of me first. Where’s my love? I have caught myself in that attitude so many times it is ridiculous. It would seem from past experience in the church that love would happen so much more easily Perhaps it is because the lifestyle of working in ministry is so rewarding and love-filled that I feel starved for it now. Love and praise was always in abundance at Inland Hills Church (at least if you were in the right crowd) that is one thing we did very well. Now that I live in North County and am in Matthew’s House, everything is so much more do-it-yourself. (My whole life is do-it-yourself) Having a church that way, where we come seeking to fill all our desires, we get our panties in a bunch when it doesn’t turn out that way. A loving community in the most God honoring sense is one that will take a lot of work from everyone involved to maintain. I doesn’t just happen when we come together I have been realizing. It takes action from all of us and encouragement of small steps we take along the way. But most all of course we must seek God out in our own lives. On a more positive note I can begin to see this happening in the lives of people around me. Topics that have been brought up in conversation, invitations that have been extended to one another, just an overall care for one another has been good to see. Also prayer is supremely important. Right now I thank God for the compassion If eel he has placed in my heart for those around me. I rarely have such compassion. I only hope I put it to good use. I pray for our church, God, and for my fellow friends, those who know you, and who don’t. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done.

Well, here I go again on my own. But I am definetly heading down some new roads. One of the only roads I've ever known (end of cheesy butt rock song quoting section) was one of negativity towards the things I don't do so well. Things that I am tempted to write down write now. To get them off of my chest and use as perhaps an excuse for being less than what God has called me to be. Well I am ready for a more positve outlook damnit! Why can't I be positive, I'm a freakin idoit! Calm Down ... Count to three.... Ok I'm positive now. Some things that I did well today was get through all the hectic shinnanagins at work and still remain calm and pleasant to those around me. Usually I get angry and bitter towards everyone when I get stressed out. It is a hard thing for me to relate to people while working, it is an odd phenomenon and I don't understand it. Perhaps I have a fear of the management. I just hope I get over it soon. Today was sort of a step in that direction. I just now realized that the negativity I have is a sign of insecurities I have to step out of my comfort zone with people. How strange. Well that makes a lot of sense. As far as my job goes it is alrigh, I'd rather make more and I'd rather do something carrer-ish. I don't like being poor. On the positive side of that, God has provided for me and my job is forcing me to get out of my bubble. One of the hardest things to do in all of life for me. I admire people like joel, jason e, and matt e, who can express themselves so natuarlly to people they have recently met or are forming relationships with. God has made me a listener and my "voice" still squeks like a goofy teenager in puberty. But I have confidence god will work on me.

The church is an area that baffles my mind recently as well. Now things are a bit odd. I actually might be a part a new house church in the near future. I really can't wait to see how it plays out to invite friends that I have been hanging out with to a this church type thing. Right now I am still waiting to see of Chist is even an that interests most of them. This is a long process. I hope I am not waiting to long. My lack of confidence keeps me from being real to the people that I hang out with. I know I have a lot to learn and am confident God will teach me and use me. I realize now that I have alot more questins to write about and thoughts to put down on paper but there is alredy drool on my keyboard from where I fell asleep on it five minutes ago (an exageration) So off to bed I go.