Give Give Give
God speaks to me and rarely do I listen. When I do I am blown away. There are just those times in my life when my better judgement gets the best of me. I cast out into the stagnant lake of my own ideas and I am lucky to pull up an old shoe. Nothing lives in the water where I fish. Often in my lake there are only herring. Perhaps my nets are on the wrong side of the boat, maybe? Really when I look down the reflection off of the water shows only me. The murk is too thick to see anything underneath. Unfortunately the water is still. Sometimes I wish that waves would come capsize my small craft or at least liven things up. There are however times when I do follow God to the right spot and my nets overflow, not with what expect however. Its different everytime.

Thanks God for today I am so grateful. you are awesome love you. You are forever faithful to lead me. now let me do what you say and I'll be set. OK thats all. I pray for Rachel, Phil, my house church, the crazy scheme we dream, and for my family
(Brooke this includes you)
Amen

a revision of "Poetic Frustration"

The Blue Lit Walk

Foolish light falls,
from the bed,
out the window,
and onto the dirt.

Run fast, down two flights.
Do not look at them and they will not see you.
I cannot be caught by the humping monkeys.
Hurry back to the top bunk.
Not a good place to write but it’ll do.
Doesn’t take long for the excitement to wear off.

Doubts cloud my thoughts, and
Outside it begins to rain.
If only it could wash the apprehensions
from the gutters of my mind.
Thunder slaps its arc across the sky.
If only it could jumpstart the words
That I do not have.

Enough what-if’s already,
it’s time to put a pen to use.
At the very least I’ll know
whether there is anything
to put on the page.

(this is a strory of one crazy night trying to simply write my heart onto a page.)

Chicken Scratch Inadequacy
Why am I so afraid to put words on a page?
They might not come out write.
I might mess things up.

What if my poems are devoid of image and life?
Like the sterile supermarket.
Bland rows of colorful merchandise, food.
With a chill that sandaled feet cannot escape.

how’s my
line struc
tur
e
?

And as far as rhyme goes
I haven’t the slightest clue.
The difference between poem and prose
is still a concept quite new.

Surrealism is a crash into the slop of reason
one that drives dogs to no goodbyes or hellos
and word decks confuses the muses
in frequent metaphorical plainness, or complexity.

Do you get the point?
Poetry is not my strong point.
But still I press deeper its point
like a knife, until I am at the point
when I can’t handle any more points.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to write
such beautiful poems
as the ones I read at Borders,
or be published by anything but my printer,
but I think that I might be ok with that.

Dandelion
Eyes jet between two lanes,
focused on the destination .
Lights flash and streak,
they are fireflies hitting his windshield,
leaving no mark but on his eyes.

Rum, pittle, Rum, pittle, Rum.
Braille driving keeps him awake.
His car rumbles on, bouncing along the road, unslowed.
Ninety-five, stayin’ alive,
dead to his life.

What is that on the side of the road ahead?
Does he see the small weed?
Will he stop to make a wish?
To break the stem
and breathe life back into the world?
But isn’t stopping on the freeway a crime?
He must decline, move on, no time.

The SUV he drives forms a shell.
Of air around it.
One that shatters the cloud,
that sends hundreds of little umbrellas
into a flurried blizzard of seedlings,
as he passes by.

The rumbling of his car fades in the distance.
The naked stem remains bent and broken
Its life has been sent into the world without him.
The blizzard, deflowered, subsides
Will he stop to make a wish?
Only if time abides.

A poem in working:

Poetic Frustration

Bedroom is dark, no chalk to write.
Oh well, let numbness fall over tired skin.
Happiness left in the garbage last night.
Has it been emptied yet? Will I find it again?
Toss and turn, this journey to sleep suspended in jello
This day once crowned has lost its splendor
Why do they always mold like bathroom tile grout?
Divulge to me the secret of the concrete heart
Galvanized iron to cage in my cloud.
Will it also quiet the candle made of
soap that hides in the well within?
Let it! Cliffs are needed to surround things fragile.
Put away the jackhammers, and break the mirrors.
I am a featherless peacock my voice is a lyre not tuned.
Not hopeless but surely without any hope.
Silence lulls me to sleep.


(I pormise there will be a poem with an optomistic heart soon, this one just fit in better) with my journal

More contemplating the meaning of the universe but mostly about love.

Well shit. Don’t I just feel like a worthless piss ant today. I do. I feel so terrible probably because I feel I did not study enough for my history test. Who cares I did ok. And also because I have not done enough work to prepare my self for this work I have due next week, but once again I don’t care. I care about the depression in me it creates. I would normally say that Love is the answer for everything. But where is it? In me where is the love besides for Brooke? I want to be about things that life the most enjoyable for me and Brooke does that. What about those who do not? What about those who are a pain and those who piss you off and those who make life less romantic and those you have to work to love and those who hurt you and those who are not beautiful and those you can’t stand. What about me, am I a pain? Does this question ever need to be asked by me or is it my conceit that does it? Is it my desire for love from people and subsequent change of personality to be easier to love. Those who get in the way of love make it harder to do so. However they should not be outside its fold. Never should I dismiss someone out my love cuz they are hard to love. What is my basis for my cynicism? I have no right to judge anyone and when I do, how shallow it is. The couple standing next to me just disgusted me by their PDA, and still are, they have love for one another. Love that no doubt feels some of the same things that me and Brooke do. And an even more important point they know of what love can be and the joy that they can have in love, and they have a song inside singing of how much they want and need that love and how much on the other hand they want to give it. Ah, I have so much to learn.

Let the love I give never be given halfheartedly but only with full disregard for the “important things.” Let the loved be the “important things”

A poem (oooooh! how emo)

Flashlight
Foolish light falls from the bed out the window and to the floor
Run fast to barely miss the monkeys humping
The top bunk is not a good place to write articles but it’ll do
Thoughts cloudy and apprehensive am I to write something
What if it sucks or what if I can’t express myself?
Enough ‘what if’ already, its time to put a gift to use,
At the very least I’ll know whether it is one or not.

I have spent little time on my knees lately and lots of time everywhere else. Books have been the fascination of me and my girlfriend lately. Culturally significant ones like Catcher in the Rye, and ones that cry out to the deep desires in our hearts like Sacred Romance. In both books we have been finding immense tidbits of wisdom it’s ridiculous. This is no doubt a time in my life for searching. This is a time in life to decide who I am going to be and what I am going to do with the rest of my moments henceforth (every time is this time) What bothers me is not that I turn to J.D Salingr and Eldredge for my guidance, it’s that I do not turn to the one who made them wise (I don’t know about Salinger’s walk with God but you have to respect his views on the church in Catcher, another topic for debate altogether) Why is this? Why do I (and I am assuming you too) wait until the last resort to turn to God. It’s been done A thousand times over, from the Abraham to someone. Last week was a very depressing week for me I spent an entire day entirely alone and depressed. Its rather overwhelming thinking of all that you could be but are not. Even in that state God was still the last place I would turn to. Franlky turning to God doesn’t really give results. I wanna feel better quick nad God sometime isn’t for that. What even does it mean to listen to God anyway? How long do you wait on your knees on the floor before you get up and move around? Why do I always fall asleep? I wish I knew these things. I don’t know if I could answer them for anyone else or that anyone else could answer them for me. But the simple point of it all is that we all must figure it out. Unfortunatley turning to God is about as easy as turning an oil tanker aroung in the panama canal (especially when we are stubborn). “oh Matt why don’t you just turn to God for wisdom.” If anyone has the step-by-step manual for that I’d like a copy.
What is conclusion? Is there one? The only way that I have found to love God is just by being myself and loving. That alone takes a lot of effort.

As for today one lesson stands out to me that bears significant importance of all things good and evil. The very universe is made up of these and would be nothing without them. Ok, a bit of overdramatization but here goes. In creative writting class we have recently been discussing the importance of simple concrete detail in poetry. It is essential to developing the image that we see when we read the poem. It is essential to any meaning we may read into a poem. An d of course I had to look for the life applications of such a thought, and it works really cool. Life is simply the little details that add up to make the whole story. Every little bit has importance. There is rarely (at least in my experience) a major event or events that our life revolves around. It is constantly changing and so are we, depending on how we react to these simple details. Like C.S. Lewis said we are all constantly making each other more angelic or demonic through every action (very paraphrased). what we do with every oppurtunity we are confrinted with is our choice. Everytime I back down to a fear I become more of a coward and so on. Just a thought. Oh yeah, also I would love to see a book about christian wisdom on how to live written into a fiction book or maybe told though the story of someone's own life. Buechner is the only one I know of who has done it and I really haven't read much of his stuff. Tired and now I will sleep.

Long time no blog. I hope lack of frequent blogging doesn't send people away. Though I don't think anyone really flocked here to begin with. If only I had a blog Like Jason's then I would be popular and cool. I have been writting though it has not been online. In fact quit a bit of change has gone on recently in my life, a change of major and finally attending a REAL college have been pretty cool, though they have not been all happy happy joy joy feelings. My indecision and lack of faith casued a bit of problems as you will read (if so inclined from past journals written just not posted (oldest first):

My life as of 8/30/02 2:17am:

I hate when what I write about myself is negative but the following is just me trying to figure me out. No doubt one of my biggest flaws has always been indecision. I spent countless months mulling over whether or not I should move to SD. I eventually decided but still felt no real confidence in my choice. I have in the past spent countless hour worrying about which girl is the right one to pick (and ironically Brooke just fell into my lap unplanned by me. How long was I worried about a woman, and how awesome is God to put one so awesome in my life so randomly.) Do I have some major lack of faith? In a relationship with God I should be able to hear the things that he is calling me to and just go for them. After these desires I have in my life are at the very core of my being. They are my “song,” who I was made to be. Yet I have the hardest time figuring out what they are. So many questions constantly plague my mind and heart. ‘(one thing I realize right now is that my confusion becomes strongest when I am far from god) If my worry is not ‘what am I going to when I grow up,’ it’s what school am I going to go for that. Finally I’ve figured out the school, so right now my worry is (I just think I’ll feel better getting it out on to page so that maybe it will stop haunting me.) what am I to get my degree in here? Literature and writing? Communication? Psychology? What interests me most and bores me least? I have a huge fear that I will pick the wrong major. I have a huge fear that I will make bad decisions in my life in general. I have a fear of failure. The answers lie in front of me that I know. The answers lie in you, God. Help me to seek you out and hear your still small voice and call for my life right now. Amen,

09/05/02 1:53 am

Well another day in the life of Matt. School was interesting today. It was a long day but not burdensome. I felt alone but like I was on a journey or a conquest. To finish my bachelor’s degree and finish it well. It will no doubt be a challenge this semester in my classes to simply do the work. Especially if I am insane enough to attempt 18 or 21 units. The crazy thing is as of right now, I feel like I could handle them. Though I know I am not at all into the actual coursework yet. Also the feeling of amazement and awe that I am in a real college and that I am finally studying something that has real value to me the difficulty seems to fade, the chore of actually doing the work seems like it won’t be so bad. I actually desire to learn. Who would have thought! I really hope that I get the creative writing course. There is something so interesting about literature. It is an area that I have so minimally applied myself to. I wonder what I will be capable of . I long to drag the cadaver of my imagination out of the closet where it has been locked since childhood and see what kind of life can be revived into it. Even tonight as I told Brooke the story of the lighthouse (which she slept through) I felt a creativity inside that I rarely embrace. It has been put away so long in solitary confinement that it has forgotten the light of day. My muscles of creativity have atrophied. How have I been able to survive this long when something that after only one day of class I feel such desire to continue in. I inly wonder what is to come. Have you gifted me here God? Is this part of the reason why I am here or am delirious form a lack of sleep last night. I also really hope I stay on top of my course work this semester so that I don’t crash and burn. Like I always do
I am also so apprehensive about this house church thing. I feel forced into it almost by Jason and Brooke’s eagerness. I don’t quite feel ready, but then again will I ever be. Maybe this is just the kick in the ass I need. I am a little apprehensive but what an opportunity we have been given. Jason and Brooke have offered to share their lives with us in a very intimate level. A mentor like Jason is something I have always dreamed of. I have no doubt you have a hand in this God. I hope I am stretched. This looks forward to be quite the semester of stretching and growing. For me and for everyone at Matthew’s House. We all have fears and we need you, God to get past them. Let us live with hopeful abandon and give ourselves to your will whatever it may be. God Help us all!!

09/06/02 2:43pm

Just had lunch with my new roommate Seth, he is a pretty cool guy. He likes to talk but that works out good cuz I like to listen. I really don’t do so well yet at interjecting things of importance into conversation. Steering a conversation is something incredibly hard to do especially when you don’t know what direction you should be steering. I have noticed that as a hard thing to do at work as well. Standing up there with my host friends I usually will get by with talking about whatever fills the time up instead of meaningful conversation. We banter back and forth me usually looking for some reason to cut the conversation short. And once the feelings of fearful discomfort overwhelm me so that I can no longer carry on a conversation I walk away. Then as I go about whatever menial task I have found to occupy my time I beat my self up for letting the fear of failure overtake the opportunity for good conversation. Why not just embrace the awkwardness and discuss life with them? The world may never know.

Concerns and Revelations About Church

There is a grave concern that has been put on my heart very recently. It is a concern that I believe has been there for a long while, but only recently am I realizing it. I worry about my fellow Christian friends. It seems like almost every one I know is losing heart and confused about what in the world God is doing in their lives (myself included). It seems that we are all being attacked by loneliness and confusion. We all yearn for love but when and if we come together it often does not happen.. I know in myself there has been much hesitance to love other people often stemming from both fear and laziness. It seems that pervading mentality of most of us (most of humanity for that matter) is that of me first. Where’s my love? I have caught myself in that attitude so many times it is ridiculous. It would seem from past experience in the church that love would happen so much more easily Perhaps it is because the lifestyle of working in ministry is so rewarding and love-filled that I feel starved for it now. Love and praise was always in abundance at Inland Hills Church (at least if you were in the right crowd) that is one thing we did very well. Now that I live in North County and am in Matthew’s House, everything is so much more do-it-yourself. (My whole life is do-it-yourself) Having a church that way, where we come seeking to fill all our desires, we get our panties in a bunch when it doesn’t turn out that way. A loving community in the most God honoring sense is one that will take a lot of work from everyone involved to maintain. I doesn’t just happen when we come together I have been realizing. It takes action from all of us and encouragement of small steps we take along the way. But most all of course we must seek God out in our own lives. On a more positive note I can begin to see this happening in the lives of people around me. Topics that have been brought up in conversation, invitations that have been extended to one another, just an overall care for one another has been good to see. Also prayer is supremely important. Right now I thank God for the compassion If eel he has placed in my heart for those around me. I rarely have such compassion. I only hope I put it to good use. I pray for our church, God, and for my fellow friends, those who know you, and who don’t. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done.

Well, here I go again on my own. But I am definetly heading down some new roads. One of the only roads I've ever known (end of cheesy butt rock song quoting section) was one of negativity towards the things I don't do so well. Things that I am tempted to write down write now. To get them off of my chest and use as perhaps an excuse for being less than what God has called me to be. Well I am ready for a more positve outlook damnit! Why can't I be positive, I'm a freakin idoit! Calm Down ... Count to three.... Ok I'm positive now. Some things that I did well today was get through all the hectic shinnanagins at work and still remain calm and pleasant to those around me. Usually I get angry and bitter towards everyone when I get stressed out. It is a hard thing for me to relate to people while working, it is an odd phenomenon and I don't understand it. Perhaps I have a fear of the management. I just hope I get over it soon. Today was sort of a step in that direction. I just now realized that the negativity I have is a sign of insecurities I have to step out of my comfort zone with people. How strange. Well that makes a lot of sense. As far as my job goes it is alrigh, I'd rather make more and I'd rather do something carrer-ish. I don't like being poor. On the positive side of that, God has provided for me and my job is forcing me to get out of my bubble. One of the hardest things to do in all of life for me. I admire people like joel, jason e, and matt e, who can express themselves so natuarlly to people they have recently met or are forming relationships with. God has made me a listener and my "voice" still squeks like a goofy teenager in puberty. But I have confidence god will work on me.

The church is an area that baffles my mind recently as well. Now things are a bit odd. I actually might be a part a new house church in the near future. I really can't wait to see how it plays out to invite friends that I have been hanging out with to a this church type thing. Right now I am still waiting to see of Chist is even an that interests most of them. This is a long process. I hope I am not waiting to long. My lack of confidence keeps me from being real to the people that I hang out with. I know I have a lot to learn and am confident God will teach me and use me. I realize now that I have alot more questins to write about and thoughts to put down on paper but there is alredy drool on my keyboard from where I fell asleep on it five minutes ago (an exageration) So off to bed I go.

Brooke is back. Hooray. I have spent the lasttwo days with her and have loved it. I forgot how much we mean to each other. the weird thing now is what do we do? We are bot hpraying that God show us where we are being called but, we dont have any real solid answers yet. It's been kind of weird with her being back as well. not much time to wite unfortunately too much time hanging out with brooke. One quick thing that I have realized lately is the simple concept that God has given me all I need to serve him where I am at right now, and he will contine to provide me with what I need. That inspires in me confidence that the strange person that God has made me to be, with the gifts that I have, has a purpose now. I pray I would find my voice as my good friend Jason would say. I also pray I would find the courage to sing in harmony with the God that made me. I pray that my song would seep into peoples hearts and that they would join in God's song. And like actors in musical we can sing out hallelujah and dance doing kartwheels acrass grass fields (okay maybe not that far, but you get the idea. The song "praise chorus" by jimmy eat world sums up how I continue to feel about doing God's will.
Help me find my voice God.

SO its been a month. Im a slacker what can I say. There are however reasons for slackerness. Three weeks ago m hard drive crashed and it took two weeks to get it back up to speed. Every moment I had access to a computer I spent emailing my girlfriend who is en Espana. Thats all there is to that. Alot has happened since I entered last I coul never begin to write it all so I will just start over from today.

I miss Broke incredibly. seh has been gone three weeks now and it just killin me. I so anxiously awit her ariival. Sometimes that's all I think about. How good it will feel to hold her again, to kiss her again, even to hear her again, I have only talked to her twice since she's been gone. We have both been through a lot on our seperate sides of the World and will have alot to catch up on. I look forward to that. On the other hand, sometimes I think I look forwardto Brooke's return way too much. Both of us were pretty lonely before she left to go to Spain, there were few people that we connected with besides each other (thank you Jason and Brooke for being those loving people to us). I wonder what will happen when she returns. Will it go back to us being in our own little world? When she returns we will merely be alone, together? I know I have been very timid since I have moved down here, very self-conscious. I feel I have relied too much on people I am comfortable with and not really stepped out of my comfort zone. This lame quality about myself has casued me to miss several opputunities to build friendships. I tell you what, I hate that quality about myslef. I hate that I cannot make conversation with people and relate eith them. Ah shit I don't know.
Put plainly I feel alone and cowardly. I deeply desire to die for my beliefs and "make the world more like heaven here on Earth" but I am so weak. I fear that I am not really making a difference. at all. Ok enough of the negativity I have to go to work. God simply use this wretched man. Let me see where you can make use of me and let devote myself fully to that. Amen.

Summary of my week

All in all it has been a good week. Me and Brooke have had alot of good time hanging out. Lots of good conversations about our church, friends and the future of our relationship (mostly dreaming of marriage). We went on a double date Friday night with my roomate Rick and a friend from home Erica. They had a great time and it looks like ther might be a couple more dates in the future (so bug rick about that if you see him.) Me and brooke had alot of fun on our date making funny faces at each other and playing around alot. the date was a blast. The next day Brooke, Rick, Rhi, and I went to Disneyland for free and had a blast there as well. Other than that it has been work and relaxation that I have been up to. Wednesday night (tommorow night) I am going to meet with my parents and have the conversation about school which leads me to my next section of this entry.

Thoughts and Concerns

I really don't know what is going to happen with my parents. I am still not so stoked on the idea of going to Cal State San Marcos, a major in psych is not the most exciting thing in the world. My parents are going to want to hear that God has specifically called me to go there and then they are going to want proff of the actual conversation notarized and signed by both me and God. Ok, slight exageration but you get the idea. I am just in a place right now where i feel kind of in the middle. Both me and Brooke were talking about this tonight (by the way Brooke is leaving for Spain soon and I am already starting to miss her) and we feel that this place, north county and mattew's house, is kind a mid point between two points in our life. I have not recieved word from God calling us elsewhere, so I think we are in some kind of a rut. It is hard being in a place where you don't know many people. Where you are far from your family, and your whole basis for social life (church) is completely different. Last nigh I was thinking and asking God "why am I here? What have you done through me so far?" I feel like I have not been used by Go all that much down here. Both me and Brooke were bumming about the very same thing yesterday. (I'm so glad we have each other). But God is faithful and today he showed me that he is still very much at work in my life.
A coworker of mine, Phil who I have talked to only a few times before and only about random things (this is the same guy who's car transmission fell out 2 weeks ago), began to talk about life and believe it or not God. As we got to talking as the day went by, he told me how he became a christian ( a cool story to be sure) a couple of months ago and how he is looking for a church that is pretty much what Matthew's House is. How Freaking rad is God. we have alot more talking to do but I am stoked. I pretty much feel that altough things in Mattews House are not exploding with growth God is still so at work within it. Also I know for a fact that he is growing me more and more each day, and he is teaching me things too. God has shwn himself to be faithful again and my doubting once again seems trivial. Perhaps this migh just be a growing learning time for all of us. Whatever it is God knows and I will be there for what ever he has planned next.
more to come on this soon...

today I had the chance to see friends from home. About all the people I miss from my old church were there (except one very important one). It was a little odd, but still very cool.I also found out that during this last week my Dad found out about the school thing (my mom finally told him). I am looking forward to discussing it with them. Today was all in all an odd day, not much happened until the graduation where I saw my friends. I did get really bored and down on myself probably the moral for todays adventure is that I am too damn selfish. (todays blog is more for my sorting of thoughts more than anything else). I hope that tommorow does not suffer the same fate. that's it.

truly the wisom of God is what I seek. His power has no comparison. often I rely on my own version of wisdom. and it is always weak compared to what God reveals to me.My goal it to seek out those small pearls of wisdom teaching and leadings that he slips into my daily life. Whenever he prompts me, I want to follow, then and there not weighing the pros and cons not trapped in ( as joel said) "paralysis by analysis," from over thinking my leaps of faith. How much do I trust God if I never act on the small little things he places in my lap. Is not my faith dead without works? Yet I still sit. How long will this go on for? Lord let me step forward and do what it is you have called me to. talking about it can only yake me so far I need to live it. talk is cheap. Thatis all for now just some desires deep within my heart that needed to be said. more to come in a much more coherent version tommorow.

ever have that strong feeling kind of like butterflies but inyour heart when you think about church. when your desire to do god's will is so overwheming that you just have to do something? today i wrote.

Last night Brooke and I started going over this notebook that I have to say I was quite skeptical of at first. But It led us to some very good discussion. For hours we talked about church history and how the church ever ended up in the place it is today. She wanted me to post some of the thoughts we had so that she could "live vicariously through my blog." (forgive me brooke I have added to them a little) The following is my meager attempt to discuss some pretty large topics that Brooke and I disussed last night. If they make sense to you it's a miracle.
It seems like church has been off-track for the last 1700 years. We have forgotten the simple commands of Jesus for so long. All along God has been directing us in our induvidual lives showing us what it is to love and give as he has, but herd us all together and we are pretty dang stupid. Christians as a group forget the almightiness of God and rely simply on our logic. We try so hard to figure out what church is supposed to be like and how we are suppossed to live we miss out on God revealing his way to us. If we rely too much on our logic we lose God completely and we no longer have a church led by listening to the almighty God of the universe. Instead we have a group of people who are nice and very moral led by guys with God degrees (I'm going to school and I know there ain't nothing special about a degree). On the same hand God gave us brains and desires for us to seek out his will with our logic. But never can we forget about him. He will reveal to us how he wants his church to be. In the end he will be the one who has written the best book on ministry strategy. This is a quote from Tom and Felicity Dale from the notebook, "God is progressively revealing (bringing new light from the timeless scriptures) truth so that He will have His way in His church, and on that day His bride will be without spot or blemish." God is in control, and the best thing for me to do is to make sure I am connected with him and acting upon and putting my all into his revelations to me. That is how I can best be the church for now.


-sidenotes: ironic that the US is ahead in everything except in our relationships with God. It seem that our stuff has taken the place of God. Do countries that face more hardships have more faith in God? And did the hardships Christians faced in the first hundred years make them stronger ? Did the widespread acceptance and regulation kill god's work? How can we make sure not to get in the way of God when he acts?

Sunday, three days ago, I had an awesome opportunity to meet with some people that I really love and that have had a real stretching effect on my view of God and church. We had a long discussion about what it is to do church again. We discussed problems that have arisen in house churches and also went over again (a hopefully never ending process) what a healthy community of believers looks like. I am more stoked about what God is doing in my life everytime we meet, and I know that God has spoken to me in a couple specific instances to live out what I have learned (that unfortunately is a new concept for me). At work and in life's rountine I am starting to hear God's call again. Woo hoo! It's been too damn long! Welcome back God!

In a couple hours I'm going whitewater rafting with a roommate of mine and some friends from the church, a much needed break from work. Things are still weird with my parents. I can't keep my mouth shut much longer. They just had their 25th anniversary. Congrats! Me and my lady Brooke are also doing excellent. More of that in the next post.

Where to begin?
Lord thank you for guiding me in life up to this point I can see your faithful hand through every point of the journey so far. You have put wonderful people in my life that encourage and spur me on. thank you for Matthew's House and the ever expanding and ever changing definition of church that you are revealing to me. I am faithful that you will keep revealing things and that on this journey with you I will have never arrived. Thank you for the process.
amen.

As I sit and think I realize that God has everything under control. Though I have "known" it for a long time in my head, I just feel it now more than ever. all things seem to be working towards specific points and I can see god working in them I am way too tired tonight to elaborate but I just had to get it out cuz I've been so stoked about it lately.

This is life now. Anger has been my weakness. It creeps into my attitudes and makes me bitter at everyone and everything. A few minutes ago I threw my iron because my shirt wouldn't iron right. Am I not supposed to be better than such lame childish anger as a christian. I sneeks its way into my heart oh so often. In the car (traffic and dumb drivers) and at things (like irons and loafs of bread that won't cut) is mostly where I have experienced anger before. It doesn't bother me too bad but when the bitterness seeps its way into my relationships and into the way I act towards others that's just not right. Today I took some time to try and refresh, and I feel refreshed, a little. The anger is gone for the most part but I can feel it lurking in my mind waiting for something to lashout upon (like my computer that is freaking out as i write this post).

All in all though life has been swell. My girlfriend of three years, Brooke, and I have been having some good conversations. She has really been pulling the weight of our relationship lately and has been encouraging me alot. She is an awesome woman. I've started to and continue to develop relationships with people at my work and I see some good possibilities there. I am so apprehensive to mention anything about church, I am even fearful to just hang out one on one with anyone, Its a scary thing to do. Roommates are great and i am getting tired as i wrtie so good night.

It seems that I am mostly going to use this for writting my life down and I doubt I'll keep it going enough for anyone to read regularly.

not sure how to work it but we'll see what this litttle e journal type thing does for me. Got the idea from jason evans but he's more computerly inclined than i.

help i don't understand