Well, here I go again on my own. But I am definetly heading down some new roads. One of the only roads I've ever known (end of cheesy butt rock song quoting section) was one of negativity towards the things I don't do so well. Things that I am tempted to write down write now. To get them off of my chest and use as perhaps an excuse for being less than what God has called me to be. Well I am ready for a more positve outlook damnit! Why can't I be positive, I'm a freakin idoit! Calm Down ... Count to three.... Ok I'm positive now. Some things that I did well today was get through all the hectic shinnanagins at work and still remain calm and pleasant to those around me. Usually I get angry and bitter towards everyone when I get stressed out. It is a hard thing for me to relate to people while working, it is an odd phenomenon and I don't understand it. Perhaps I have a fear of the management. I just hope I get over it soon. Today was sort of a step in that direction. I just now realized that the negativity I have is a sign of insecurities I have to step out of my comfort zone with people. How strange. Well that makes a lot of sense. As far as my job goes it is alrigh, I'd rather make more and I'd rather do something carrer-ish. I don't like being poor. On the positive side of that, God has provided for me and my job is forcing me to get out of my bubble. One of the hardest things to do in all of life for me. I admire people like joel, jason e, and matt e, who can express themselves so natuarlly to people they have recently met or are forming relationships with. God has made me a listener and my "voice" still squeks like a goofy teenager in puberty. But I have confidence god will work on me.

The church is an area that baffles my mind recently as well. Now things are a bit odd. I actually might be a part a new house church in the near future. I really can't wait to see how it plays out to invite friends that I have been hanging out with to a this church type thing. Right now I am still waiting to see of Chist is even an that interests most of them. This is a long process. I hope I am not waiting to long. My lack of confidence keeps me from being real to the people that I hang out with. I know I have a lot to learn and am confident God will teach me and use me. I realize now that I have alot more questins to write about and thoughts to put down on paper but there is alredy drool on my keyboard from where I fell asleep on it five minutes ago (an exageration) So off to bed I go.