The Descent
13 years ago
Wednesday, March 12, 2003
Given: Oatmeal = Regularity
Moustache picketers protest the retired comely words, “knitted lattice filters of prose.” Meanwhile housekeepers playing doctor find a way to use metal smithing to distract those with frost bitten unbelief in art. As for the rowdy legless inmate, he remains belittled. The ogre carries his juicer and as he bounds after Shorty on his nimble donkey he giggles. Most everyone else enjoys instant coffee and condensed soup while filling in bingos on blank pages. Uncle Timber and Aunt Eraser ruminate a call to riot and release raging espresso proven to entertain even Solomon. But they’ve all forgotten what I remember: socks are simple natural filters.
Moustache picketers protest the retired comely words, “knitted lattice filters of prose.” Meanwhile housekeepers playing doctor find a way to use metal smithing to distract those with frost bitten unbelief in art. As for the rowdy legless inmate, he remains belittled. The ogre carries his juicer and as he bounds after Shorty on his nimble donkey he giggles. Most everyone else enjoys instant coffee and condensed soup while filling in bingos on blank pages. Uncle Timber and Aunt Eraser ruminate a call to riot and release raging espresso proven to entertain even Solomon. But they’ve all forgotten what I remember: socks are simple natural filters.
Tuesday, February 18, 2003
a Poem for Joel ( a joke only a joke do not take offense please)
Sarcasm starts chasms, casually most often,
Cuts combine catharsis for its author and
Inward flowing blood from internal injuries
to its patient.
(once again I love you and appreciate sarcasm really)
Two weird class poems:
Home Sweet Nest
Agoraphobic
Bird, too
much fear to
Take to
the sky. It’s too
small, the sky too
wide.
The Amazonian jungle biome perhaps might,
provided there is minimal deforestation,
provide a more suitable dwelling habitat, a
providing and protective providence in close
proximity foliage. Progress like this has produced a
practical and proven cure. However there is the
proneness to become claustrophobic.
Optometrists See Better.
Got a clue about how to make sense?
Why wither, to where, for what, and whence
Late night happenings boost hip hop earnings
And two year olds’ have been known to sport ear rings.
But not diamonds, sure its crystal clear, or maybe lead
There’s a trend, at least nod your head
In agreeance, or not, it doesn’t really matter
just be out, with miscreants, dousing their grey matter.
Sparks start, bonfires, bubble gum pink, up to the high heaven.
Better there than here. At least up there they like seven,
not eleven mind you, clerks no longer have to watch their back.
No more box-sleepers asking “which is the cheapest on the rack?”
instead someone in pink hands out smiley faces and dumdums
and the man from the box asks, “where can I get my goddam rum!”
He doesn’t need one with a gold label or a pirate.
He does however wear an eye patch though his sight doesn’t require it.
Some kids wear them to school, eye patches I mean
They need them, one of their eyes is not as keen.
That seems to be the way it is with people too.
If only the makers of the smiley faces knew.
They would have put glasses on them,
or at least on some.
a Poem about church:
Light of the World
Red, yellow, blue, orange, form the picture of His head.
Their light, individual panes cut between with lead,
crown the ornately embroidered rags below,
and strives, but cannot reach into the first row.
in other words get up off the damn pews
Sarcasm starts chasms, casually most often,
Cuts combine catharsis for its author and
Inward flowing blood from internal injuries
to its patient.
(once again I love you and appreciate sarcasm really)
Two weird class poems:
Home Sweet Nest
Agoraphobic
Bird, too
much fear to
Take to
the sky. It’s too
small, the sky too
wide.
The Amazonian jungle biome perhaps might,
provided there is minimal deforestation,
provide a more suitable dwelling habitat, a
providing and protective providence in close
proximity foliage. Progress like this has produced a
practical and proven cure. However there is the
proneness to become claustrophobic.
Optometrists See Better.
Got a clue about how to make sense?
Why wither, to where, for what, and whence
Late night happenings boost hip hop earnings
And two year olds’ have been known to sport ear rings.
But not diamonds, sure its crystal clear, or maybe lead
There’s a trend, at least nod your head
In agreeance, or not, it doesn’t really matter
just be out, with miscreants, dousing their grey matter.
Sparks start, bonfires, bubble gum pink, up to the high heaven.
Better there than here. At least up there they like seven,
not eleven mind you, clerks no longer have to watch their back.
No more box-sleepers asking “which is the cheapest on the rack?”
instead someone in pink hands out smiley faces and dumdums
and the man from the box asks, “where can I get my goddam rum!”
He doesn’t need one with a gold label or a pirate.
He does however wear an eye patch though his sight doesn’t require it.
Some kids wear them to school, eye patches I mean
They need them, one of their eyes is not as keen.
That seems to be the way it is with people too.
If only the makers of the smiley faces knew.
They would have put glasses on them,
or at least on some.
a Poem about church:
Light of the World
Red, yellow, blue, orange, form the picture of His head.
Their light, individual panes cut between with lead,
crown the ornately embroidered rags below,
and strives, but cannot reach into the first row.
in other words get up off the damn pews
Friday, January 31, 2003
Been a while, huh
Today was good, I realized I suck as a writter, as a friend and as a human being.
To those of you who know me, this is not going to be a negative bash on myself (that I'm all too prone to do). Rather I just realized today how little I've got things figured out.
Last night going through stacks if other's poems, I thought mine stacked up pretty good in comparison. I walked into the class excited to hear others' praise. My poem was clever, funny, and had a great idea driving it... Its funny how you look at your own work in a very idealistic way. I left my classroom that day, my open wounds pouring onto my shirt and down my arms to the class' responses in my left hand. In other words, they didn't think so highly of the poem. But their comments will help. I'm just starting out I really only know how to write a few types of poems and I like doing it, so I will continue. (plus I feel so cool writting poetry, I do have the glasses for it, all I need now is the little weird hat.)
....
Last night I hung out with J and Joel, two guys I really respect, and they remind me always of how puny me and my thought process is. First of all jason is always stretching my mind into new ways of thinking that really piss me off sometimes. I don't know what to do with what he says to me. I take it look at its strangeness and am at a loss for words so I put it into my pocket and say thanks. As soon as I get in the car though, I look at it from all possible angles. Still stumped I put it back into my pocket until I can translate it into simpler terms. Sometimes I wish I had some Earth-shattering things to commment about those types of ideas, because they are not completely new. Traces of these thoughts have been in my mind since eighth grade. Trying to find the balance between punk rock dreams of anarchy and the love of God. So, basically his Idea of Jesus as the theocratic ruler like God was to the Isrealites of Moses' time is cool (cool is a good word to use whenever you don't have something meaningful to say) J and Joel both have a passion to bring their faith to new levels. Most of the time my ideas of faith and how God will act in my life is simply Love God and he will set everything else along the right path, which is good. However I never push myself to see anything new, I rely on God to do all the work in a lazy way.
God continue to reveal to us all your mysterious plan.
For those who are struggling relationally I pray.
For those who are in pain I pray.
For those who are in need I pray.
Let you be enough.
Today was good, I realized I suck as a writter, as a friend and as a human being.
To those of you who know me, this is not going to be a negative bash on myself (that I'm all too prone to do). Rather I just realized today how little I've got things figured out.
Last night going through stacks if other's poems, I thought mine stacked up pretty good in comparison. I walked into the class excited to hear others' praise. My poem was clever, funny, and had a great idea driving it... Its funny how you look at your own work in a very idealistic way. I left my classroom that day, my open wounds pouring onto my shirt and down my arms to the class' responses in my left hand. In other words, they didn't think so highly of the poem. But their comments will help. I'm just starting out I really only know how to write a few types of poems and I like doing it, so I will continue. (plus I feel so cool writting poetry, I do have the glasses for it, all I need now is the little weird hat.)
....
Last night I hung out with J and Joel, two guys I really respect, and they remind me always of how puny me and my thought process is. First of all jason is always stretching my mind into new ways of thinking that really piss me off sometimes. I don't know what to do with what he says to me. I take it look at its strangeness and am at a loss for words so I put it into my pocket and say thanks. As soon as I get in the car though, I look at it from all possible angles. Still stumped I put it back into my pocket until I can translate it into simpler terms. Sometimes I wish I had some Earth-shattering things to commment about those types of ideas, because they are not completely new. Traces of these thoughts have been in my mind since eighth grade. Trying to find the balance between punk rock dreams of anarchy and the love of God. So, basically his Idea of Jesus as the theocratic ruler like God was to the Isrealites of Moses' time is cool (cool is a good word to use whenever you don't have something meaningful to say) J and Joel both have a passion to bring their faith to new levels. Most of the time my ideas of faith and how God will act in my life is simply Love God and he will set everything else along the right path, which is good. However I never push myself to see anything new, I rely on God to do all the work in a lazy way.
God continue to reveal to us all your mysterious plan.
For those who are struggling relationally I pray.
For those who are in pain I pray.
For those who are in need I pray.
Let you be enough.
Saturday, December 14, 2002
Give Give Give
God speaks to me and rarely do I listen. When I do I am blown away. There are just those times in my life when my better judgement gets the best of me. I cast out into the stagnant lake of my own ideas and I am lucky to pull up an old shoe. Nothing lives in the water where I fish. Often in my lake there are only herring. Perhaps my nets are on the wrong side of the boat, maybe? Really when I look down the reflection off of the water shows only me. The murk is too thick to see anything underneath. Unfortunately the water is still. Sometimes I wish that waves would come capsize my small craft or at least liven things up. There are however times when I do follow God to the right spot and my nets overflow, not with what expect however. Its different everytime.
Thanks God for today I am so grateful. you are awesome love you. You are forever faithful to lead me. now let me do what you say and I'll be set. OK thats all. I pray for Rachel, Phil, my house church, the crazy scheme we dream, and for my family
(Brooke this includes you)
Amen
God speaks to me and rarely do I listen. When I do I am blown away. There are just those times in my life when my better judgement gets the best of me. I cast out into the stagnant lake of my own ideas and I am lucky to pull up an old shoe. Nothing lives in the water where I fish. Often in my lake there are only herring. Perhaps my nets are on the wrong side of the boat, maybe? Really when I look down the reflection off of the water shows only me. The murk is too thick to see anything underneath. Unfortunately the water is still. Sometimes I wish that waves would come capsize my small craft or at least liven things up. There are however times when I do follow God to the right spot and my nets overflow, not with what expect however. Its different everytime.
Thanks God for today I am so grateful. you are awesome love you. You are forever faithful to lead me. now let me do what you say and I'll be set. OK thats all. I pray for Rachel, Phil, my house church, the crazy scheme we dream, and for my family
(Brooke this includes you)
Amen
Saturday, November 09, 2002
a revision of "Poetic Frustration"
The Blue Lit Walk
Foolish light falls,
from the bed,
out the window,
and onto the dirt.
Run fast, down two flights.
Do not look at them and they will not see you.
I cannot be caught by the humping monkeys.
Hurry back to the top bunk.
Not a good place to write but it’ll do.
Doesn’t take long for the excitement to wear off.
Doubts cloud my thoughts, and
Outside it begins to rain.
If only it could wash the apprehensions
from the gutters of my mind.
Thunder slaps its arc across the sky.
If only it could jumpstart the words
That I do not have.
Enough what-if’s already,
it’s time to put a pen to use.
At the very least I’ll know
whether there is anything
to put on the page.
(this is a strory of one crazy night trying to simply write my heart onto a page.)
The Blue Lit Walk
Foolish light falls,
from the bed,
out the window,
and onto the dirt.
Run fast, down two flights.
Do not look at them and they will not see you.
I cannot be caught by the humping monkeys.
Hurry back to the top bunk.
Not a good place to write but it’ll do.
Doesn’t take long for the excitement to wear off.
Doubts cloud my thoughts, and
Outside it begins to rain.
If only it could wash the apprehensions
from the gutters of my mind.
Thunder slaps its arc across the sky.
If only it could jumpstart the words
That I do not have.
Enough what-if’s already,
it’s time to put a pen to use.
At the very least I’ll know
whether there is anything
to put on the page.
(this is a strory of one crazy night trying to simply write my heart onto a page.)
Friday, November 08, 2002
Chicken Scratch Inadequacy
Why am I so afraid to put words on a page?
They might not come out write.
I might mess things up.
What if my poems are devoid of image and life?
Like the sterile supermarket.
Bland rows of colorful merchandise, food.
With a chill that sandaled feet cannot escape.
how’s my
line struc
tur
e
?
And as far as rhyme goes
I haven’t the slightest clue.
The difference between poem and prose
is still a concept quite new.
Surrealism is a crash into the slop of reason
one that drives dogs to no goodbyes or hellos
and word decks confuses the muses
in frequent metaphorical plainness, or complexity.
Do you get the point?
Poetry is not my strong point.
But still I press deeper its point
like a knife, until I am at the point
when I can’t handle any more points.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to write
such beautiful poems
as the ones I read at Borders,
or be published by anything but my printer,
but I think that I might be ok with that.
Why am I so afraid to put words on a page?
They might not come out write.
I might mess things up.
What if my poems are devoid of image and life?
Like the sterile supermarket.
Bland rows of colorful merchandise, food.
With a chill that sandaled feet cannot escape.
how’s my
line struc
tur
e
?
And as far as rhyme goes
I haven’t the slightest clue.
The difference between poem and prose
is still a concept quite new.
Surrealism is a crash into the slop of reason
one that drives dogs to no goodbyes or hellos
and word decks confuses the muses
in frequent metaphorical plainness, or complexity.
Do you get the point?
Poetry is not my strong point.
But still I press deeper its point
like a knife, until I am at the point
when I can’t handle any more points.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to write
such beautiful poems
as the ones I read at Borders,
or be published by anything but my printer,
but I think that I might be ok with that.
Dandelion
Eyes jet between two lanes,
focused on the destination .
Lights flash and streak,
they are fireflies hitting his windshield,
leaving no mark but on his eyes.
Rum, pittle, Rum, pittle, Rum.
Braille driving keeps him awake.
His car rumbles on, bouncing along the road, unslowed.
Ninety-five, stayin’ alive,
dead to his life.
What is that on the side of the road ahead?
Does he see the small weed?
Will he stop to make a wish?
To break the stem
and breathe life back into the world?
But isn’t stopping on the freeway a crime?
He must decline, move on, no time.
The SUV he drives forms a shell.
Of air around it.
One that shatters the cloud,
that sends hundreds of little umbrellas
into a flurried blizzard of seedlings,
as he passes by.
The rumbling of his car fades in the distance.
The naked stem remains bent and broken
Its life has been sent into the world without him.
The blizzard, deflowered, subsides
Will he stop to make a wish?
Only if time abides.
Eyes jet between two lanes,
focused on the destination .
Lights flash and streak,
they are fireflies hitting his windshield,
leaving no mark but on his eyes.
Rum, pittle, Rum, pittle, Rum.
Braille driving keeps him awake.
His car rumbles on, bouncing along the road, unslowed.
Ninety-five, stayin’ alive,
dead to his life.
What is that on the side of the road ahead?
Does he see the small weed?
Will he stop to make a wish?
To break the stem
and breathe life back into the world?
But isn’t stopping on the freeway a crime?
He must decline, move on, no time.
The SUV he drives forms a shell.
Of air around it.
One that shatters the cloud,
that sends hundreds of little umbrellas
into a flurried blizzard of seedlings,
as he passes by.
The rumbling of his car fades in the distance.
The naked stem remains bent and broken
Its life has been sent into the world without him.
The blizzard, deflowered, subsides
Will he stop to make a wish?
Only if time abides.
Wednesday, October 16, 2002
A poem in working:
Poetic Frustration
Bedroom is dark, no chalk to write.
Oh well, let numbness fall over tired skin.
Happiness left in the garbage last night.
Has it been emptied yet? Will I find it again?
Toss and turn, this journey to sleep suspended in jello
This day once crowned has lost its splendor
Why do they always mold like bathroom tile grout?
Divulge to me the secret of the concrete heart
Galvanized iron to cage in my cloud.
Will it also quiet the candle made of
soap that hides in the well within?
Let it! Cliffs are needed to surround things fragile.
Put away the jackhammers, and break the mirrors.
I am a featherless peacock my voice is a lyre not tuned.
Not hopeless but surely without any hope.
Silence lulls me to sleep.
(I pormise there will be a poem with an optomistic heart soon, this one just fit in better) with my journal
Poetic Frustration
Bedroom is dark, no chalk to write.
Oh well, let numbness fall over tired skin.
Happiness left in the garbage last night.
Has it been emptied yet? Will I find it again?
Toss and turn, this journey to sleep suspended in jello
This day once crowned has lost its splendor
Why do they always mold like bathroom tile grout?
Divulge to me the secret of the concrete heart
Galvanized iron to cage in my cloud.
Will it also quiet the candle made of
soap that hides in the well within?
Let it! Cliffs are needed to surround things fragile.
Put away the jackhammers, and break the mirrors.
I am a featherless peacock my voice is a lyre not tuned.
Not hopeless but surely without any hope.
Silence lulls me to sleep.
(I pormise there will be a poem with an optomistic heart soon, this one just fit in better) with my journal
More contemplating the meaning of the universe but mostly about love.
Well shit. Don’t I just feel like a worthless piss ant today. I do. I feel so terrible probably because I feel I did not study enough for my history test. Who cares I did ok. And also because I have not done enough work to prepare my self for this work I have due next week, but once again I don’t care. I care about the depression in me it creates. I would normally say that Love is the answer for everything. But where is it? In me where is the love besides for Brooke? I want to be about things that life the most enjoyable for me and Brooke does that. What about those who do not? What about those who are a pain and those who piss you off and those who make life less romantic and those you have to work to love and those who hurt you and those who are not beautiful and those you can’t stand. What about me, am I a pain? Does this question ever need to be asked by me or is it my conceit that does it? Is it my desire for love from people and subsequent change of personality to be easier to love. Those who get in the way of love make it harder to do so. However they should not be outside its fold. Never should I dismiss someone out my love cuz they are hard to love. What is my basis for my cynicism? I have no right to judge anyone and when I do, how shallow it is. The couple standing next to me just disgusted me by their PDA, and still are, they have love for one another. Love that no doubt feels some of the same things that me and Brooke do. And an even more important point they know of what love can be and the joy that they can have in love, and they have a song inside singing of how much they want and need that love and how much on the other hand they want to give it. Ah, I have so much to learn.
Let the love I give never be given halfheartedly but only with full disregard for the “important things.” Let the loved be the “important things”
Well shit. Don’t I just feel like a worthless piss ant today. I do. I feel so terrible probably because I feel I did not study enough for my history test. Who cares I did ok. And also because I have not done enough work to prepare my self for this work I have due next week, but once again I don’t care. I care about the depression in me it creates. I would normally say that Love is the answer for everything. But where is it? In me where is the love besides for Brooke? I want to be about things that life the most enjoyable for me and Brooke does that. What about those who do not? What about those who are a pain and those who piss you off and those who make life less romantic and those you have to work to love and those who hurt you and those who are not beautiful and those you can’t stand. What about me, am I a pain? Does this question ever need to be asked by me or is it my conceit that does it? Is it my desire for love from people and subsequent change of personality to be easier to love. Those who get in the way of love make it harder to do so. However they should not be outside its fold. Never should I dismiss someone out my love cuz they are hard to love. What is my basis for my cynicism? I have no right to judge anyone and when I do, how shallow it is. The couple standing next to me just disgusted me by their PDA, and still are, they have love for one another. Love that no doubt feels some of the same things that me and Brooke do. And an even more important point they know of what love can be and the joy that they can have in love, and they have a song inside singing of how much they want and need that love and how much on the other hand they want to give it. Ah, I have so much to learn.
Let the love I give never be given halfheartedly but only with full disregard for the “important things.” Let the loved be the “important things”
Monday, September 30, 2002
A poem (oooooh! how emo)
Flashlight
Foolish light falls from the bed out the window and to the floor
Run fast to barely miss the monkeys humping
The top bunk is not a good place to write articles but it’ll do
Thoughts cloudy and apprehensive am I to write something
What if it sucks or what if I can’t express myself?
Enough ‘what if’ already, its time to put a gift to use,
At the very least I’ll know whether it is one or not.
Flashlight
Foolish light falls from the bed out the window and to the floor
Run fast to barely miss the monkeys humping
The top bunk is not a good place to write articles but it’ll do
Thoughts cloudy and apprehensive am I to write something
What if it sucks or what if I can’t express myself?
Enough ‘what if’ already, its time to put a gift to use,
At the very least I’ll know whether it is one or not.
I have spent little time on my knees lately and lots of time everywhere else. Books have been the fascination of me and my girlfriend lately. Culturally significant ones like Catcher in the Rye, and ones that cry out to the deep desires in our hearts like Sacred Romance. In both books we have been finding immense tidbits of wisdom it’s ridiculous. This is no doubt a time in my life for searching. This is a time in life to decide who I am going to be and what I am going to do with the rest of my moments henceforth (every time is this time) What bothers me is not that I turn to J.D Salingr and Eldredge for my guidance, it’s that I do not turn to the one who made them wise (I don’t know about Salinger’s walk with God but you have to respect his views on the church in Catcher, another topic for debate altogether) Why is this? Why do I (and I am assuming you too) wait until the last resort to turn to God. It’s been done A thousand times over, from the Abraham to someone. Last week was a very depressing week for me I spent an entire day entirely alone and depressed. Its rather overwhelming thinking of all that you could be but are not. Even in that state God was still the last place I would turn to. Franlky turning to God doesn’t really give results. I wanna feel better quick nad God sometime isn’t for that. What even does it mean to listen to God anyway? How long do you wait on your knees on the floor before you get up and move around? Why do I always fall asleep? I wish I knew these things. I don’t know if I could answer them for anyone else or that anyone else could answer them for me. But the simple point of it all is that we all must figure it out. Unfortunatley turning to God is about as easy as turning an oil tanker aroung in the panama canal (especially when we are stubborn). “oh Matt why don’t you just turn to God for wisdom.” If anyone has the step-by-step manual for that I’d like a copy.
What is conclusion? Is there one? The only way that I have found to love God is just by being myself and loving. That alone takes a lot of effort.
What is conclusion? Is there one? The only way that I have found to love God is just by being myself and loving. That alone takes a lot of effort.
Tuesday, September 10, 2002
As for today one lesson stands out to me that bears significant importance of all things good and evil. The very universe is made up of these and would be nothing without them. Ok, a bit of overdramatization but here goes. In creative writting class we have recently been discussing the importance of simple concrete detail in poetry. It is essential to developing the image that we see when we read the poem. It is essential to any meaning we may read into a poem. An d of course I had to look for the life applications of such a thought, and it works really cool. Life is simply the little details that add up to make the whole story. Every little bit has importance. There is rarely (at least in my experience) a major event or events that our life revolves around. It is constantly changing and so are we, depending on how we react to these simple details. Like C.S. Lewis said we are all constantly making each other more angelic or demonic through every action (very paraphrased). what we do with every oppurtunity we are confrinted with is our choice. Everytime I back down to a fear I become more of a coward and so on. Just a thought. Oh yeah, also I would love to see a book about christian wisdom on how to live written into a fiction book or maybe told though the story of someone's own life. Buechner is the only one I know of who has done it and I really haven't read much of his stuff. Tired and now I will sleep.
Long time no blog. I hope lack of frequent blogging doesn't send people away. Though I don't think anyone really flocked here to begin with. If only I had a blog Like Jason's then I would be popular and cool. I have been writting though it has not been online. In fact quit a bit of change has gone on recently in my life, a change of major and finally attending a REAL college have been pretty cool, though they have not been all happy happy joy joy feelings. My indecision and lack of faith casued a bit of problems as you will read (if so inclined from past journals written just not posted (oldest first):
My life as of 8/30/02 2:17am:
I hate when what I write about myself is negative but the following is just me trying to figure me out. No doubt one of my biggest flaws has always been indecision. I spent countless months mulling over whether or not I should move to SD. I eventually decided but still felt no real confidence in my choice. I have in the past spent countless hour worrying about which girl is the right one to pick (and ironically Brooke just fell into my lap unplanned by me. How long was I worried about a woman, and how awesome is God to put one so awesome in my life so randomly.) Do I have some major lack of faith? In a relationship with God I should be able to hear the things that he is calling me to and just go for them. After these desires I have in my life are at the very core of my being. They are my “song,” who I was made to be. Yet I have the hardest time figuring out what they are. So many questions constantly plague my mind and heart. ‘(one thing I realize right now is that my confusion becomes strongest when I am far from god) If my worry is not ‘what am I going to when I grow up,’ it’s what school am I going to go for that. Finally I’ve figured out the school, so right now my worry is (I just think I’ll feel better getting it out on to page so that maybe it will stop haunting me.) what am I to get my degree in here? Literature and writing? Communication? Psychology? What interests me most and bores me least? I have a huge fear that I will pick the wrong major. I have a huge fear that I will make bad decisions in my life in general. I have a fear of failure. The answers lie in front of me that I know. The answers lie in you, God. Help me to seek you out and hear your still small voice and call for my life right now. Amen,
09/05/02 1:53 am
Well another day in the life of Matt. School was interesting today. It was a long day but not burdensome. I felt alone but like I was on a journey or a conquest. To finish my bachelor’s degree and finish it well. It will no doubt be a challenge this semester in my classes to simply do the work. Especially if I am insane enough to attempt 18 or 21 units. The crazy thing is as of right now, I feel like I could handle them. Though I know I am not at all into the actual coursework yet. Also the feeling of amazement and awe that I am in a real college and that I am finally studying something that has real value to me the difficulty seems to fade, the chore of actually doing the work seems like it won’t be so bad. I actually desire to learn. Who would have thought! I really hope that I get the creative writing course. There is something so interesting about literature. It is an area that I have so minimally applied myself to. I wonder what I will be capable of . I long to drag the cadaver of my imagination out of the closet where it has been locked since childhood and see what kind of life can be revived into it. Even tonight as I told Brooke the story of the lighthouse (which she slept through) I felt a creativity inside that I rarely embrace. It has been put away so long in solitary confinement that it has forgotten the light of day. My muscles of creativity have atrophied. How have I been able to survive this long when something that after only one day of class I feel such desire to continue in. I inly wonder what is to come. Have you gifted me here God? Is this part of the reason why I am here or am delirious form a lack of sleep last night. I also really hope I stay on top of my course work this semester so that I don’t crash and burn. Like I always do
I am also so apprehensive about this house church thing. I feel forced into it almost by Jason and Brooke’s eagerness. I don’t quite feel ready, but then again will I ever be. Maybe this is just the kick in the ass I need. I am a little apprehensive but what an opportunity we have been given. Jason and Brooke have offered to share their lives with us in a very intimate level. A mentor like Jason is something I have always dreamed of. I have no doubt you have a hand in this God. I hope I am stretched. This looks forward to be quite the semester of stretching and growing. For me and for everyone at Matthew’s House. We all have fears and we need you, God to get past them. Let us live with hopeful abandon and give ourselves to your will whatever it may be. God Help us all!!
09/06/02 2:43pm
Just had lunch with my new roommate Seth, he is a pretty cool guy. He likes to talk but that works out good cuz I like to listen. I really don’t do so well yet at interjecting things of importance into conversation. Steering a conversation is something incredibly hard to do especially when you don’t know what direction you should be steering. I have noticed that as a hard thing to do at work as well. Standing up there with my host friends I usually will get by with talking about whatever fills the time up instead of meaningful conversation. We banter back and forth me usually looking for some reason to cut the conversation short. And once the feelings of fearful discomfort overwhelm me so that I can no longer carry on a conversation I walk away. Then as I go about whatever menial task I have found to occupy my time I beat my self up for letting the fear of failure overtake the opportunity for good conversation. Why not just embrace the awkwardness and discuss life with them? The world may never know.
My life as of 8/30/02 2:17am:
I hate when what I write about myself is negative but the following is just me trying to figure me out. No doubt one of my biggest flaws has always been indecision. I spent countless months mulling over whether or not I should move to SD. I eventually decided but still felt no real confidence in my choice. I have in the past spent countless hour worrying about which girl is the right one to pick (and ironically Brooke just fell into my lap unplanned by me. How long was I worried about a woman, and how awesome is God to put one so awesome in my life so randomly.) Do I have some major lack of faith? In a relationship with God I should be able to hear the things that he is calling me to and just go for them. After these desires I have in my life are at the very core of my being. They are my “song,” who I was made to be. Yet I have the hardest time figuring out what they are. So many questions constantly plague my mind and heart. ‘(one thing I realize right now is that my confusion becomes strongest when I am far from god) If my worry is not ‘what am I going to when I grow up,’ it’s what school am I going to go for that. Finally I’ve figured out the school, so right now my worry is (I just think I’ll feel better getting it out on to page so that maybe it will stop haunting me.) what am I to get my degree in here? Literature and writing? Communication? Psychology? What interests me most and bores me least? I have a huge fear that I will pick the wrong major. I have a huge fear that I will make bad decisions in my life in general. I have a fear of failure. The answers lie in front of me that I know. The answers lie in you, God. Help me to seek you out and hear your still small voice and call for my life right now. Amen,
09/05/02 1:53 am
Well another day in the life of Matt. School was interesting today. It was a long day but not burdensome. I felt alone but like I was on a journey or a conquest. To finish my bachelor’s degree and finish it well. It will no doubt be a challenge this semester in my classes to simply do the work. Especially if I am insane enough to attempt 18 or 21 units. The crazy thing is as of right now, I feel like I could handle them. Though I know I am not at all into the actual coursework yet. Also the feeling of amazement and awe that I am in a real college and that I am finally studying something that has real value to me the difficulty seems to fade, the chore of actually doing the work seems like it won’t be so bad. I actually desire to learn. Who would have thought! I really hope that I get the creative writing course. There is something so interesting about literature. It is an area that I have so minimally applied myself to. I wonder what I will be capable of . I long to drag the cadaver of my imagination out of the closet where it has been locked since childhood and see what kind of life can be revived into it. Even tonight as I told Brooke the story of the lighthouse (which she slept through) I felt a creativity inside that I rarely embrace. It has been put away so long in solitary confinement that it has forgotten the light of day. My muscles of creativity have atrophied. How have I been able to survive this long when something that after only one day of class I feel such desire to continue in. I inly wonder what is to come. Have you gifted me here God? Is this part of the reason why I am here or am delirious form a lack of sleep last night. I also really hope I stay on top of my course work this semester so that I don’t crash and burn. Like I always do
I am also so apprehensive about this house church thing. I feel forced into it almost by Jason and Brooke’s eagerness. I don’t quite feel ready, but then again will I ever be. Maybe this is just the kick in the ass I need. I am a little apprehensive but what an opportunity we have been given. Jason and Brooke have offered to share their lives with us in a very intimate level. A mentor like Jason is something I have always dreamed of. I have no doubt you have a hand in this God. I hope I am stretched. This looks forward to be quite the semester of stretching and growing. For me and for everyone at Matthew’s House. We all have fears and we need you, God to get past them. Let us live with hopeful abandon and give ourselves to your will whatever it may be. God Help us all!!
09/06/02 2:43pm
Just had lunch with my new roommate Seth, he is a pretty cool guy. He likes to talk but that works out good cuz I like to listen. I really don’t do so well yet at interjecting things of importance into conversation. Steering a conversation is something incredibly hard to do especially when you don’t know what direction you should be steering. I have noticed that as a hard thing to do at work as well. Standing up there with my host friends I usually will get by with talking about whatever fills the time up instead of meaningful conversation. We banter back and forth me usually looking for some reason to cut the conversation short. And once the feelings of fearful discomfort overwhelm me so that I can no longer carry on a conversation I walk away. Then as I go about whatever menial task I have found to occupy my time I beat my self up for letting the fear of failure overtake the opportunity for good conversation. Why not just embrace the awkwardness and discuss life with them? The world may never know.
Wednesday, August 21, 2002
Concerns and Revelations About Church
There is a grave concern that has been put on my heart very recently. It is a concern that I believe has been there for a long while, but only recently am I realizing it. I worry about my fellow Christian friends. It seems like almost every one I know is losing heart and confused about what in the world God is doing in their lives (myself included). It seems that we are all being attacked by loneliness and confusion. We all yearn for love but when and if we come together it often does not happen.. I know in myself there has been much hesitance to love other people often stemming from both fear and laziness. It seems that pervading mentality of most of us (most of humanity for that matter) is that of me first. Where’s my love? I have caught myself in that attitude so many times it is ridiculous. It would seem from past experience in the church that love would happen so much more easily Perhaps it is because the lifestyle of working in ministry is so rewarding and love-filled that I feel starved for it now. Love and praise was always in abundance at Inland Hills Church (at least if you were in the right crowd) that is one thing we did very well. Now that I live in North County and am in Matthew’s House, everything is so much more do-it-yourself. (My whole life is do-it-yourself) Having a church that way, where we come seeking to fill all our desires, we get our panties in a bunch when it doesn’t turn out that way. A loving community in the most God honoring sense is one that will take a lot of work from everyone involved to maintain. I doesn’t just happen when we come together I have been realizing. It takes action from all of us and encouragement of small steps we take along the way. But most all of course we must seek God out in our own lives. On a more positive note I can begin to see this happening in the lives of people around me. Topics that have been brought up in conversation, invitations that have been extended to one another, just an overall care for one another has been good to see. Also prayer is supremely important. Right now I thank God for the compassion If eel he has placed in my heart for those around me. I rarely have such compassion. I only hope I put it to good use. I pray for our church, God, and for my fellow friends, those who know you, and who don’t. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done.
There is a grave concern that has been put on my heart very recently. It is a concern that I believe has been there for a long while, but only recently am I realizing it. I worry about my fellow Christian friends. It seems like almost every one I know is losing heart and confused about what in the world God is doing in their lives (myself included). It seems that we are all being attacked by loneliness and confusion. We all yearn for love but when and if we come together it often does not happen.. I know in myself there has been much hesitance to love other people often stemming from both fear and laziness. It seems that pervading mentality of most of us (most of humanity for that matter) is that of me first. Where’s my love? I have caught myself in that attitude so many times it is ridiculous. It would seem from past experience in the church that love would happen so much more easily Perhaps it is because the lifestyle of working in ministry is so rewarding and love-filled that I feel starved for it now. Love and praise was always in abundance at Inland Hills Church (at least if you were in the right crowd) that is one thing we did very well. Now that I live in North County and am in Matthew’s House, everything is so much more do-it-yourself. (My whole life is do-it-yourself) Having a church that way, where we come seeking to fill all our desires, we get our panties in a bunch when it doesn’t turn out that way. A loving community in the most God honoring sense is one that will take a lot of work from everyone involved to maintain. I doesn’t just happen when we come together I have been realizing. It takes action from all of us and encouragement of small steps we take along the way. But most all of course we must seek God out in our own lives. On a more positive note I can begin to see this happening in the lives of people around me. Topics that have been brought up in conversation, invitations that have been extended to one another, just an overall care for one another has been good to see. Also prayer is supremely important. Right now I thank God for the compassion If eel he has placed in my heart for those around me. I rarely have such compassion. I only hope I put it to good use. I pray for our church, God, and for my fellow friends, those who know you, and who don’t. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done.
Thursday, August 01, 2002
Well, here I go again on my own. But I am definetly heading down some new roads. One of the only roads I've ever known (end of cheesy butt rock song quoting section) was one of negativity towards the things I don't do so well. Things that I am tempted to write down write now. To get them off of my chest and use as perhaps an excuse for being less than what God has called me to be. Well I am ready for a more positve outlook damnit! Why can't I be positive, I'm a freakin idoit! Calm Down ... Count to three.... Ok I'm positive now. Some things that I did well today was get through all the hectic shinnanagins at work and still remain calm and pleasant to those around me. Usually I get angry and bitter towards everyone when I get stressed out. It is a hard thing for me to relate to people while working, it is an odd phenomenon and I don't understand it. Perhaps I have a fear of the management. I just hope I get over it soon. Today was sort of a step in that direction. I just now realized that the negativity I have is a sign of insecurities I have to step out of my comfort zone with people. How strange. Well that makes a lot of sense. As far as my job goes it is alrigh, I'd rather make more and I'd rather do something carrer-ish. I don't like being poor. On the positive side of that, God has provided for me and my job is forcing me to get out of my bubble. One of the hardest things to do in all of life for me. I admire people like joel, jason e, and matt e, who can express themselves so natuarlly to people they have recently met or are forming relationships with. God has made me a listener and my "voice" still squeks like a goofy teenager in puberty. But I have confidence god will work on me.
The church is an area that baffles my mind recently as well. Now things are a bit odd. I actually might be a part a new house church in the near future. I really can't wait to see how it plays out to invite friends that I have been hanging out with to a this church type thing. Right now I am still waiting to see of Chist is even an that interests most of them. This is a long process. I hope I am not waiting to long. My lack of confidence keeps me from being real to the people that I hang out with. I know I have a lot to learn and am confident God will teach me and use me. I realize now that I have alot more questins to write about and thoughts to put down on paper but there is alredy drool on my keyboard from where I fell asleep on it five minutes ago (an exageration) So off to bed I go.
The church is an area that baffles my mind recently as well. Now things are a bit odd. I actually might be a part a new house church in the near future. I really can't wait to see how it plays out to invite friends that I have been hanging out with to a this church type thing. Right now I am still waiting to see of Chist is even an that interests most of them. This is a long process. I hope I am not waiting to long. My lack of confidence keeps me from being real to the people that I hang out with. I know I have a lot to learn and am confident God will teach me and use me. I realize now that I have alot more questins to write about and thoughts to put down on paper but there is alredy drool on my keyboard from where I fell asleep on it five minutes ago (an exageration) So off to bed I go.
Tuesday, July 30, 2002
Brooke is back. Hooray. I have spent the lasttwo days with her and have loved it. I forgot how much we mean to each other. the weird thing now is what do we do? We are bot hpraying that God show us where we are being called but, we dont have any real solid answers yet. It's been kind of weird with her being back as well. not much time to wite unfortunately too much time hanging out with brooke. One quick thing that I have realized lately is the simple concept that God has given me all I need to serve him where I am at right now, and he will contine to provide me with what I need. That inspires in me confidence that the strange person that God has made me to be, with the gifts that I have, has a purpose now. I pray I would find my voice as my good friend Jason would say. I also pray I would find the courage to sing in harmony with the God that made me. I pray that my song would seep into peoples hearts and that they would join in God's song. And like actors in musical we can sing out hallelujah and dance doing kartwheels acrass grass fields (okay maybe not that far, but you get the idea. The song "praise chorus" by jimmy eat world sums up how I continue to feel about doing God's will.
Help me find my voice God.
Help me find my voice God.
Thursday, July 18, 2002
SO its been a month. Im a slacker what can I say. There are however reasons for slackerness. Three weeks ago m hard drive crashed and it took two weeks to get it back up to speed. Every moment I had access to a computer I spent emailing my girlfriend who is en Espana. Thats all there is to that. Alot has happened since I entered last I coul never begin to write it all so I will just start over from today.
I miss Broke incredibly. seh has been gone three weeks now and it just killin me. I so anxiously awit her ariival. Sometimes that's all I think about. How good it will feel to hold her again, to kiss her again, even to hear her again, I have only talked to her twice since she's been gone. We have both been through a lot on our seperate sides of the World and will have alot to catch up on. I look forward to that. On the other hand, sometimes I think I look forwardto Brooke's return way too much. Both of us were pretty lonely before she left to go to Spain, there were few people that we connected with besides each other (thank you Jason and Brooke for being those loving people to us). I wonder what will happen when she returns. Will it go back to us being in our own little world? When she returns we will merely be alone, together? I know I have been very timid since I have moved down here, very self-conscious. I feel I have relied too much on people I am comfortable with and not really stepped out of my comfort zone. This lame quality about myself has casued me to miss several opputunities to build friendships. I tell you what, I hate that quality about myslef. I hate that I cannot make conversation with people and relate eith them. Ah shit I don't know.
Put plainly I feel alone and cowardly. I deeply desire to die for my beliefs and "make the world more like heaven here on Earth" but I am so weak. I fear that I am not really making a difference. at all. Ok enough of the negativity I have to go to work. God simply use this wretched man. Let me see where you can make use of me and let devote myself fully to that. Amen.
I miss Broke incredibly. seh has been gone three weeks now and it just killin me. I so anxiously awit her ariival. Sometimes that's all I think about. How good it will feel to hold her again, to kiss her again, even to hear her again, I have only talked to her twice since she's been gone. We have both been through a lot on our seperate sides of the World and will have alot to catch up on. I look forward to that. On the other hand, sometimes I think I look forwardto Brooke's return way too much. Both of us were pretty lonely before she left to go to Spain, there were few people that we connected with besides each other (thank you Jason and Brooke for being those loving people to us). I wonder what will happen when she returns. Will it go back to us being in our own little world? When she returns we will merely be alone, together? I know I have been very timid since I have moved down here, very self-conscious. I feel I have relied too much on people I am comfortable with and not really stepped out of my comfort zone. This lame quality about myself has casued me to miss several opputunities to build friendships. I tell you what, I hate that quality about myslef. I hate that I cannot make conversation with people and relate eith them. Ah shit I don't know.
Put plainly I feel alone and cowardly. I deeply desire to die for my beliefs and "make the world more like heaven here on Earth" but I am so weak. I fear that I am not really making a difference. at all. Ok enough of the negativity I have to go to work. God simply use this wretched man. Let me see where you can make use of me and let devote myself fully to that. Amen.
Tuesday, June 18, 2002
Summary of my week
All in all it has been a good week. Me and Brooke have had alot of good time hanging out. Lots of good conversations about our church, friends and the future of our relationship (mostly dreaming of marriage). We went on a double date Friday night with my roomate Rick and a friend from home Erica. They had a great time and it looks like ther might be a couple more dates in the future (so bug rick about that if you see him.) Me and brooke had alot of fun on our date making funny faces at each other and playing around alot. the date was a blast. The next day Brooke, Rick, Rhi, and I went to Disneyland for free and had a blast there as well. Other than that it has been work and relaxation that I have been up to. Wednesday night (tommorow night) I am going to meet with my parents and have the conversation about school which leads me to my next section of this entry.
Thoughts and Concerns
I really don't know what is going to happen with my parents. I am still not so stoked on the idea of going to Cal State San Marcos, a major in psych is not the most exciting thing in the world. My parents are going to want to hear that God has specifically called me to go there and then they are going to want proff of the actual conversation notarized and signed by both me and God. Ok, slight exageration but you get the idea. I am just in a place right now where i feel kind of in the middle. Both me and Brooke were talking about this tonight (by the way Brooke is leaving for Spain soon and I am already starting to miss her) and we feel that this place, north county and mattew's house, is kind a mid point between two points in our life. I have not recieved word from God calling us elsewhere, so I think we are in some kind of a rut. It is hard being in a place where you don't know many people. Where you are far from your family, and your whole basis for social life (church) is completely different. Last nigh I was thinking and asking God "why am I here? What have you done through me so far?" I feel like I have not been used by Go all that much down here. Both me and Brooke were bumming about the very same thing yesterday. (I'm so glad we have each other). But God is faithful and today he showed me that he is still very much at work in my life.
A coworker of mine, Phil who I have talked to only a few times before and only about random things (this is the same guy who's car transmission fell out 2 weeks ago), began to talk about life and believe it or not God. As we got to talking as the day went by, he told me how he became a christian ( a cool story to be sure) a couple of months ago and how he is looking for a church that is pretty much what Matthew's House is. How Freaking rad is God. we have alot more talking to do but I am stoked. I pretty much feel that altough things in Mattews House are not exploding with growth God is still so at work within it. Also I know for a fact that he is growing me more and more each day, and he is teaching me things too. God has shwn himself to be faithful again and my doubting once again seems trivial. Perhaps this migh just be a growing learning time for all of us. Whatever it is God knows and I will be there for what ever he has planned next.
more to come on this soon...
All in all it has been a good week. Me and Brooke have had alot of good time hanging out. Lots of good conversations about our church, friends and the future of our relationship (mostly dreaming of marriage). We went on a double date Friday night with my roomate Rick and a friend from home Erica. They had a great time and it looks like ther might be a couple more dates in the future (so bug rick about that if you see him.) Me and brooke had alot of fun on our date making funny faces at each other and playing around alot. the date was a blast. The next day Brooke, Rick, Rhi, and I went to Disneyland for free and had a blast there as well. Other than that it has been work and relaxation that I have been up to. Wednesday night (tommorow night) I am going to meet with my parents and have the conversation about school which leads me to my next section of this entry.
Thoughts and Concerns
I really don't know what is going to happen with my parents. I am still not so stoked on the idea of going to Cal State San Marcos, a major in psych is not the most exciting thing in the world. My parents are going to want to hear that God has specifically called me to go there and then they are going to want proff of the actual conversation notarized and signed by both me and God. Ok, slight exageration but you get the idea. I am just in a place right now where i feel kind of in the middle. Both me and Brooke were talking about this tonight (by the way Brooke is leaving for Spain soon and I am already starting to miss her) and we feel that this place, north county and mattew's house, is kind a mid point between two points in our life. I have not recieved word from God calling us elsewhere, so I think we are in some kind of a rut. It is hard being in a place where you don't know many people. Where you are far from your family, and your whole basis for social life (church) is completely different. Last nigh I was thinking and asking God "why am I here? What have you done through me so far?" I feel like I have not been used by Go all that much down here. Both me and Brooke were bumming about the very same thing yesterday. (I'm so glad we have each other). But God is faithful and today he showed me that he is still very much at work in my life.
A coworker of mine, Phil who I have talked to only a few times before and only about random things (this is the same guy who's car transmission fell out 2 weeks ago), began to talk about life and believe it or not God. As we got to talking as the day went by, he told me how he became a christian ( a cool story to be sure) a couple of months ago and how he is looking for a church that is pretty much what Matthew's House is. How Freaking rad is God. we have alot more talking to do but I am stoked. I pretty much feel that altough things in Mattews House are not exploding with growth God is still so at work within it. Also I know for a fact that he is growing me more and more each day, and he is teaching me things too. God has shwn himself to be faithful again and my doubting once again seems trivial. Perhaps this migh just be a growing learning time for all of us. Whatever it is God knows and I will be there for what ever he has planned next.
more to come on this soon...
Friday, June 14, 2002
today I had the chance to see friends from home. About all the people I miss from my old church were there (except one very important one). It was a little odd, but still very cool.I also found out that during this last week my Dad found out about the school thing (my mom finally told him). I am looking forward to discussing it with them. Today was all in all an odd day, not much happened until the graduation where I saw my friends. I did get really bored and down on myself probably the moral for todays adventure is that I am too damn selfish. (todays blog is more for my sorting of thoughts more than anything else). I hope that tommorow does not suffer the same fate. that's it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)